Archive for the ‘Facebook’ Category

Paris Hilton: “That's Wednesday One-Liner.”

Boy: If my hand was botoxed, could I hold hot things without getting hurt?

–K-Mart, Astor Place

Drunk douchebag: If I was a gay guy, I totally wouldn't cheat on my girlfriend, unless it was with a hot chick.

–Morningside Heights

Overheard by: Ladle

Guy to another, as smoking hot woman walks by: She's so hot I'd eat the corn out of her poop!

–42nd & Broadway

Guy to dinner date: I hate it when people tag me on Facebook. It's like, I'm in sweat pants! I'm a mess! I just ran three miles, leave me alone… You're gonna tag that?! Like "tap that." You're gonna "tag that"? (pause) What do you think about the waitress, pretty hot huh?

–Diner, Washington Heights

Overheard by: April Marks

Wednesday One-Liners Call It “Extreme Sharing”

20-something hipster to friend, punching him in the arm: Dude, you stole my Facebook status!

–Central Park

Overheard by: dude, just think up a new one!

Cable man to another, standing in line at Wendy's: Yeah, I was across the street at Popeyes, but it looked like some man was going to rob the place, so I came here instead.

–Flatbush & Ocean Parkway, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Anna

Crazy lady to pigeon: Get outta here! You ain't gonna get none if you beg. You gotta wait for me to give it to you. (throws bread in other direction) That's why you ain't get none. (a few minutes later, she gets up to leave) Alright. It's been real. Thank for not stealing my potato chips.

–Tribeca Park

Four-year-old boy to mom: Mom, when you take chips from my bag without asking, you're stealing. We talked about this. We talked about this at length.

–Uptown 3 Train

Overheard by: This girl from NY

You Know You're Drunk When the Evening Ends in a Bookstore

Obviously inebriated brunette: So… I'm pretty sure I'm going to die tonight.
Obviously inebriated blonde: Well, if we do, I think I should put up a Facebook status so everyone knows.
Obviously inebriated brunette: I'm pretty sure the tox screen will show it.
(ten seconds later)
Obviously inebriated brunette
: Kill me. Oh, wait, no need. I'll be dead in three hours.

Obviously inebriated blonde: Just don't go dying in my bed… that's creepy.
(five seconds later)
Obviously inebriated brunette
: Um… did you just burp?

Obviously inebriated blonde: Yeah. Why?
Obviously inebriated brunette: Because it just went up my nose.
Obviously inebriated blonde: Now… that's legendary.

–Barnes & Noble, Midtown

Overheard by: NYLove

Wednesday One-Liners Are Another Year Older but None the Wiser

20-something: I didn't even realize it was my birthday until I checked Facebook!

–Upper West Side

Overheard by: mtrainetiquette

Girl to friend: We should celebrate tonight–it's my half birthday in 10 days.

–Crocodile Lounge, E 14th St

Tourist: See nobody is wearing birthday scars…

–34th St & 5th Ave

Guy to girl: Wait, did you really believe I was going to get you a Hello Kitty vibrator for your birthday?

–45th & 8th

Drunk girl to hobo: It's my birthday! You should be giving *me* money!

–111 & Broadway

But He's a “Maybe” for “Monday Night Sex N' Scrabble”

Girl: So, my dad friended me on Facebook the other day, and I was like “shiiit! Limit profile view!”
Guy #1: Are there that many incriminating things on your profile?
Girl: Not really.
Guy #2: So dad's not going to be attending Diane's “get drunk and dance” party?

–Downtown 1 Train