Archive for the ‘Families’ Category

Read These Wednesday One-Liners to Induce Vomiting

Guy: Once I told my friend Ivan that I like to eat my scabs, and he said he did too, so we ate each other scabs. –Park Slope Ugly drunk girl: Sometimes I pick people's noses. (pause) Usually nothing comes out! –LIRR, Huntington Line Overheard by: I Commuters Black guy on cell: Then I put KY all over her pussy, yo, and she wanted to spoon that shit up and eat it! –Lafayette St Man to family: Well, I've got to assume he's getting sick anyway, judging by the snot I just saw. –Grand Central Station Male law student: That's the good thing. You can scratch all day and it won't spread. –Fordham Law School 20-something receptionist: Urp! I think I just coughed up a fetus. I better Lysol the phone. –5th Ave Overheard by: BrooklynBorn

And I Put a Blanket Over the Gin-Filled Kiddie Pool

Mother: I swear, the next time you're late coming to see me… I mean, I'll give you five minutes and then I'm gone.
Daughter: I couldn't help it. They were doing room inspections and I had to stick around.
Mother: Room inspections?
Daughter: Yeah, they come around and check your rooms, make sure there's like no lights or no alcohol.
Mother: What about the alcohol I gave you?
Daughter: They don't open drawers. –Pizza Place near Columbia University

Angina, Mangina

Daughter: Yeah, and it turns out she has an extra valve in her heart!
Dad: Whoa, what does that do?
Daughter: It messes with her hormones… and stuff…
Dad: What, does she think she’s a man? –Times Square

Swirl Was Always My Favorite Kind Of Soft-Serve Ice Cream

Black hobo to young tourist couple with baby: Mmmmmmmmmmm… That's a nice lookin' baby! You must've done good that night… or morning. (laughs)
Father: Uh… haha… yeah.
Black hobo: I need to find me a white lady so I can make me a Barack Obama. Mmm-hmm! –Uptown 6 Train Overheard by: Emily

America's First Black Wednesday One-Liners

Tranny heading toward Halloween parade, seeing Sarah Palin costume: Oh my god! That's the lady President, right? The assistant President! –W 4th St Subway Station (muslim hot dog vendor bows down to pray at 5 pm)
Child in stroller: Look! Look! Mommy! Barack Obama! –W 60th & Columbus Overheard by: Brian Thug, to hot girl passing by: Hey! Yo, girl, excuse me! (she keeps walking) So, you're voting for McCain, then? –60th St & 3rd Ave Overheard by: Alex A. Little girl: I want to vote for Obama…because he's the first black person to run against Bush. –Washington Square Park Overheard by: Dana Sidewalk watch vendor: These are the watches Obama wore before he became Senator! –33rd St & Broadway Overheard by: crosstown girl Little black girl trick-or-treating with family: Two, four, six, eight, who do we appreciate? Obama! Obama! –Pacific St & Nostrand Overheard by: Obama Now!