Guy: What does that tattoo say?
Chick: *Sigh* I promised myself I’d never get a tattoo unless I had a kid. Then I got a dog. It says Roxy. That’s her name. Now I have to explain to everyone how I’m the biggest loser in the world.
–LES
Archive for the ‘Family Ties’ Category
That’s an Order
20-something woman: You’re going to worship my mother when you meet her.
Man: I will?
Woman: Yes. Because I do.
– Pizzeria, Boerum Hill
But you aren’t?
Yuppie: You’re such a third-generation American Jew. – Upper West Side
Out of Wedlock Fun
His Baby’s Momma: He don’t pay child support. He don’t ever see her. That’s it! I’m calling his fucking parole officer! –West Village
Chinese Restaurant Fun
Waitress: Is this your granddaughter?
Grandma: Yes.
Waitress: She looks just like you.
Grandma: No, she looks like my son’s mother-in-law.
Waitress: Mother-in-law?
Grandma: She’s a big woman.
–Chinese Restaurant, UWS
I Also Turned my Father into a Horse
Yuppie in Yabby, in Williamsburg: “I didn’t mean to turn my sister into a lesbian! It just happened!”
“Only if you go to the right sites.”
Little boy: Mom, can I download you? –Barnes & Noble, Astor Place
“No; I’m more well hung than he is.”
College Professor: Do you have any brothers or sisters?
Female Student: I have one sister and a twin brother.
College Professor: Are you identical?
–American Musical & Dramatic Academy, UWS
Remember to Invite Ivan and Che
Father: Having you and your mother in the same room is like having the Communist party. –Murray Hill
–Which Is Why You Should Celebrate!
Drunk Claire: Steph, we’ve been best friends for, like, 15 years now. You are like, totally my very best friend, but I wish you could, like, make more time for me, you know? Like, I know you have your grandmother’s party coming up and all–
Drunk Steph: Claire, my grandmother died 4 years ago.
–West Village