Older lady: I slit my brother's throat one time.
Guy: Uhhh…
Older lady: Well, I didn't mean to… It was kind of an accident.
Guy: These things happen…
–Bus Stop, Priest & Elliot
Overheard by: Trent
Archive for the ‘Family Ties’ Category
We Are Talking About Yoga, Right?
Girl to guy friend: Ohmigod, I accidentally walked in on my mom while she was doing it last night!
Guy: Super nasty. I'd hate to see that.
Girl: Actually, mom was holding it down. I think I could learn some moves from her.
Guy: What? How long did you watch?
Girl: It was nothing, like ten minutes.
–33rd St & Lexington
Overheard by: tinydancer
My Mistake Was Taking Body Shots Off Grandma
Drunk 20-something #1: Oh, I blame it completely on them.
Drunk 20-something #2: Why is that?
Drunk 20-something #1: Because they started it. They took out the tequila. I wound up playing quarters with my aunts and my grandmother. It's all their fault I was such a slut.
–Uptown R Train
Overheard by: Feeling awkward…
Bill O'Reilly Wasn't the Easiest Kid to Raise.
Small boy zipping by on scooter: What's that word again?
Mother, following behind him: “Conspiracy.”
Small boy: Tax conspiracy!
–Prospect Heights, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Katie Naum
What If Everybody in Brooklyn Felt That Way?
Friend #1: I hope I never have an ugly baby.
Friend #2: Well, then don't get pregnant.
–B38 Bus
Overheard by: Paula Lanier
Can We at Least Agree That Two Whites Don't Make a Wong?
Highly agitated gay man, bleach-blond, indeterminately biracial: My mother was black! She died in 1999!
Middle aged black woman: Now, wait a second…
Highly agitated gay man: My mother was black and my father was Chinese!
Middle aged black woman: Now, you just don't worry about them…
Highly agitated gay man: If I'm white, it's because my black mother was white!
Middle aged black woman: Now you're just bein' crazy.
–Prospect Park, Brooklyn
Overheard by: MPW
One Doesn't Expect Metaphor on the Subway
Guido #1: Yo, your team hasn't won a playoff in ten years. Maybe not this year, but the Jets are going all the way to the Super Bowl.
Guido #2: Yeah, and if my aunt had balls she'd be my uncle. (pause) If my aunt had balls, she'd be my uncle.
–1 Train
Overheard by: DZB
Something Old, Something New, Something Borrowed, and Something Wednesday One-Liner
Woman on cell: Yeah, today's his wedding. I thought about driving seven hours through the snowstorm to go, but then I realized that it's his third wedding, he has two kids, and he's marrying some woman who's pregnant and married to someone else, so I decided to fuck that shit and stay in the city.
–6th Ave & Bleecker St
Overheard by: office peon
30-something guy on cell: Your dad told you, your brother told you, I told you… Not to get married.
–Upper West Side
Woman: We may or may not still be married. I mean, I signed the papers but I don't know if they were ever filed.
–Williamsburg
Overheard by: Confabulation Nation
Woman screaming at embarrassed guy: We have to figure this out! You can't be married to two women at once!
–Chambers & Broadway
Overheard by: Jack
Four, Then?
Mom: You're grounded.
Kid: Thanks.
Mom: How about two weeks, then?
Kid: No problem.
Mom: Okay, let's make it three weeks.
Kid: No, let's do two.
Mom: Oh, no, three weeks with no video games.
–MacDougal & Houston
Overheard by: jaydiggs
Ohhh, Then I Finally Understand Your AIM Screenname.
Hardcore guy #1, after receiving text: Oh, he says he's out chilling with his sister at Union Pool. (pause) I should go over there and fuck her!
Hardcore guy #2: What?
Hardcore guy #1: Whatever! I'm a sister fucker!
–Graham Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Me Too.