Archive for the ‘Family Ties’ Category

Where Would This Site Be Without the Hobos?

Trinidadian hobo: Step into the car and please don't block the doors. There's another train directly behind this one. Biiing-bonnng! That's from the old cars. This is how they do it now: “Dingdong!” (recorded “if you see something, say something” message plays; hobo recites the message along with it, mimicking perfectly.) “Tell a police officer or an MTA employee.” Or tell me, because it might be a bag o' money. Or weed. But if it's only a nickel bag of weed, just turn it in to a policeman. If it's a 500-pound bag, give it to me! I need that haze! Now, here's a picture of my wife. Two years ago, on Easter Sunday, my wife passed away of a massive heart attack. I want you all to know about this because I want you all to know I'm still single. The ladies, that is, not the men. I'm not gay. I have gay friends, but I'm not gay. I'm a lesbian. I'm a lesbian because I love what they eat!

–4 Train

Overheard by: Aloof Loner

Wednesday One-Liners Clutch Their Fannypacks

Tourist: What’s that entrance right over there… Where it says, ‘Exit’?

–Museum of Natural History

Overheard by: Ms. Dubs

Man to wife and children: I don’t know why you’re following me! I have no clue where I’m going!

–Rockefeller Center

Drunk male tourist: What time does Times Square close?

–Outside Yankee Stadium

Overheard by: Genissimo

Southern tourist dad: ‘Papa Yaking’? What in the hell kinda crazy Jewish name is that?

–14th & 7th

Overheard by: Manhattman

Fat Southern lady with teal leggings standing beside fat man with large rodeo belt buckle and USS Nimitz hat to security guard: We’re tourists…

–MoMA

Overheard by: Daniel B

Pandora Can’t Get a Break

Guy #1: So I was talkin’ to him ’bout his sister–
Guy #2: Yo man, that chick is so fine.
Guy #1: Man, I know what you mean. But she naive, you know? She don’t know how fine she is.
Guy #2: Yeah. Naive.
Guy #1: But then she had the nerve to touch his boxes. What chick touches a guy’s boxes? She got an ugly soul. –E train Overheard by: Suzie

Stupid Smart People

20-ish girl: Then I disclosed that Michael probably has Asperger’s syndrome.
20-ish guy: Asperger’s people are smart. This guy is a ninny.
20-ish girl: He’s IT smart, and he had a retard son, and you know how that shit runs in the family.

–Brooklyn-bound R train

Wednesday One-Liners Want to Be a Part Of It

Suit: That's why I can't help but love New York. New York is like the sick uncle that touches you when no ones around.

–Grand Central Terminal

Girl, after passing a tourist bumping into her: In New York we say "excuse me!"

–Macy's, Herald Square

Overheard by: The City Planner

Guy to friend: Are we in the inner city or just the city?

–1st Ave & 6th St

Dude walking out of Penn station: You know what's great about going out in New York City? You can get completely bombed and it's no big deal, because you'll probably never see those people again, you know?

–Penn Station

Overheard by: BPV

Aussie: The key to this city is to use words like "shitter."

–96th & Columbus Ave

Wednesday One-Liners Should Not Be Taken If You Are Pregnant or Nursing

Kid to friend: Is your dad in town? I need Ambien CR.

–Saatchi & Saatchi, Hudson St

Overheard by: dlr

Guy on cell: No, they never came. [Pause.] I just never got them! [Pause.] I told you you can’t just send random pills through the mail!

–Strawberry Fields, Central Park

Strung out middle-aged lesbian: How long does that detox stuff take to work? I need to be clean of the Xanax by my doctor’s appointment next week. He knows I’m on meth, but he can’t find out I’m on Xanax.

–E Train

Worried suit: …But I can’t be on Zoloft, so I don’t know what to do.

–E 14th St

Patient to friend: He asked for an Ensure. He got an Ambien instead.

–NYS Psychiatric Institute

Overheard by: nonrandomerror

Suit: Her meds worked better this audition season -you could tell.

–Oriental Garden

So You Know His Father Was No Help

Older Puerto Rican woman: Did you hear about the story of the Dominican woman who locked up her son for 25 years?
(disinterested friend shakes head)
Older Puerto Rican woman
: He was gorgeous… beautiful. You know who he looked like?

Disinterested friend: Who?
Older Puerto Rican woman: Jesus Christ!

–106th St & 3rd Ave