Archive for the ‘Fast Times at New York High’ Category

Child Left Behind

SAT prepping kid #1: What’s hydrolysis?
SAT prepping kid #2: Dude, don’t you play Grand Theft Auto? Hydrolysis is what makes the cars bump up and down.
SAT prepping kid #3: Um…Hydrolysis is the splitting of things in water.
SAT prepping kid #2: Whatever. Same thing. –2 train near Borough Hall Overheard by: Everclear
Headline by: Dave Schavone
Runners-Up:
· “Rollin’ in His H20″ – JP
· “Another Roads Scholar” – Emily
· “It’s San Andreas’s Fault” – boods

Honorable mentions:
· “Only Aquaman Knows For Sure” – Sara Swank
· “Putting the “Dense” in Reverse Condensation” – Elan
· “The Sad Part Is, They All Got Into Brown” – Betsy
· “They Had Their Ups and Downs, then Splitsville” – Steven Foster
· “He Learns By Osmosis” – melissa coubrough
Click here to see the new Headline Contest

“There's No Wednesday One-Linering in Baseball!”

Dad to whiny three-year-old daughter: And now you're going to try and manipulate me by crying.

–186th St & Ft. Washington Ave

Girl to friends: That's just the way the world is. You don't see me cryin' whenever someone calls me a fat bitch or a short bitch or an ugly bitch…

–23rd & 8th

15-year-old boy: Yo, I'd cry if that happened to me, but I'm just sensitive like that.

–A Train

Overheard by: pop pop

Girl: And then you know I take out my yo-yo and start dancing. And then you know I'm multi-tasking! I'm yo-yoing, dancing and crying all at the same time!

–LaGuardia High School

Woman on cell: Alex, stop crying. Stop crying. What about the breadsticks, were there at least breadsticks?

–34th & 6th

It’s Taking Him Forever to Learn His Haftarah

Jappy highschool queen bee to Starbucks guy wearing earrings: Are those real diamonds?
Twentysomething African-American Starbucks guy: No.
Jappy highschool queen bee: Awwww I’ll mail you some real ones for your Bar Mitzvah, okay? –Stabrucks, 78th & Lex

You're No Body 'til Some Body Wednesday One-Liners You

Ghetto girl to group of friends: And I was just like "Oh my god! No, she didn't! Not with that nose!"

–C Train

Guy: You could fry an egg on her stomach.

–Union Square Green Market

Overheard by: Confabulation Nation

Indian cougar: I just like the feeling of a nice hard young male body.

–Bowery St

Overheard by: Dj bj

Woman showing pictures on camera: And this is da one where I'm givin' him da deaf eyes…

–West Village

Overheard by: Cass

Woman on cell: Never once have I opened my legs to anyone… besides you.

–Downtown Brooklyn

Overheard by: Matt Martin

Teen to friend: They said it wouldn't be fair for me to fight her cause she ain't got no fingers.

–Outside Erasmus High School

How Tight Do You Wear Your Wednesday One-Liners?

Girl in sweatpants: I kind of want someone to pants me. Just so that I can show off my ass without being a whore.

–High School, Queens

Overheard by: Sunny

Fabulous gay man to another: Ohmigod! I'm totally having a Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants moment right now."

–9th Ave & 47th St

Teenage boy, screaming: I can't wait to get my pants off!

–Broadway & 52nd St

Man to seven-year-old daughter: Hold onto the rail so you don't fall. Cause if you do fall, we're all going to laugh. We're going to laugh really hard. We're going to laugh so hard we will shit our pants.

–N Train

20-something well-dressed girl to another: He comes home saying he won all this money, and falls asleep with his hands in his pants, and that's the end of the story.

–Bedford Ave & 7th

Wednesday Double-Entendre Liners

Middle-aged woman to another: Oh! Look at those nuts, Theresa!

–Holiday Market, Union Square

Four-year-old girl, holding giant lollipop: Daddy, look! It's so big I can't get my mouth around it!

–Gristedes, University Place

Overheard by: M

Girl to friend bending down to pick something up: You are now the official bender in this relationship.

–Bard High School, Queens

Overheard by: Sunny

Woman reading menu outside: I love fish tacos!

–Chavela's, Prospect Heights

Overheard by: zack g.

Girl on cell: Well, my mouth is really small, you know? So I needed something really wide to hold it open.

–1st Ave & 5th St

Overheard by: Asaywhat

The Sorriest Wednesday One-Liners in Town

Girl on cell: Listen, Alice, I just wanted to call and tell you that I am really, really sorry about the pop-tarts.

–High School, Queens

Overheard by: Sunny

Conductor: This is where they tell me what the problem is, so you can stick with me or abandon ship, but either way I'm sorry for the mind-numbing delays.

–Delayed 6 Train

Overheard by: Frankie

Guy on cell: I'm trying to apolo… shut the fuck up! Shut the fuck up. (pause) I'm trying to… stop talking! Just stop talking! (pause) Say "okay." I told you to stop talking. Say "okay." Shut the fuck up!

–Union Square

Overheard by: tracy

Conductor: We are delayed because of train traffic ahead of us. Thank you for your inconvenience and sorry for your cooperation.

–Downtown F Frain

Overheard by: Ben Black