Archive for the ‘Fat People’ Category

Wednesday One-Liners Keep Their Eyes Peeled for Movie Stars

Tourist backpacker with hands on subway doors: Do these open on their own? –1 Train Tourist mom to uncool son: Well, that's what you get for trying to be a hipster! –Union Square Park Overheard by: j Tourist: Holy moly, look at that Olive Garden! It's huge! I wish I lived here!
(takes a picture of the restaurant) –Times Square Obese Midwestern woman to obese Midwestern man: Oooh, Applebee's… Now I feel at home here! –Times Square Southern tourist guy: I thought people in Greenwich Village would look stranger. –Bleecker Street Tourist from west coast, after observing the locals for a few innings: You know, Seinfeld makes so much more sense to me now. –Cheap Seats, Coney Island Cyclones Overheard by: Kevin Eliasen

It’s a Little Service I Run. Here’s My Card

Big black lady: Oh, honey! What’s wrong, baby?
Weeping white girl: Oh… It’s nothing. I’ll be okay.
Big black lady: Boy problems?
Weeping white girl: … Yeah.
Big black lady: What did he do to you, dear? Did he… Did he beat you?
Weeping white girl, trying not to laugh: No! No, it was nothing like–
Big black lady: –Did he sleep with another woman?
Weeping white girl: No, he–
Big black lady: –Because if he did he’ll get an STD and die, don’t you worry. –115th & Broadway

If The Facts Of Life Were Set Today, in New York

Overweight Asian lady: Excuse me, miss, I'm holding the pole, do you mind?
Black lady: I'm sorry, but there's nowhere I can move to.
Asian lady: Well, can you just please not lean on it? You're squashing my hand.
Black lady (looking at Asian lady in amazement at her audacity): What time is it?
Asian lady: I could tell you, if you would stop leaning on my hand.
Black lady: It's rush hour! If you're not ready for this go back to suburbia, bitch! This is what happens on an overcrowded train in New York City. Look at this bitch next to me, she barely fits in the door, and she's not complaining. You know why? Cause she accepts it. Cause it's a fact of life! And you takin' up the whole middle isle…shame on you…lose some weight…go back to suburbia. There's plenty of room there. –L Train Overheard by: that's right, rush hour is tight

What a Drip

Fat guy: So, you think she’s going to dump you?
Skinny guy: Yeah, she doesn’t seem to like the gonorrhea. It just keeps coming back!
Fat guy: Well, that’s the thing with gonorrhea. –Walgreens, 18th & 1st Overheard by: Trying Not To Laugh

Wednesday One-Liners Wish They Could DVR Their Lives, Instead

Young woman on elevator to friend: I have a date this Thursday with a guy I met on, and I was so excited, but then I remembered Thursday is Grey's Anatomy! I mean, I'm DVRing it, but that's so not the same. –Wall St. Overheard by: krazyhippie Large 40-something woman: But I'm not gonna be on Maury sayin', "I'm 100% sure!" Because I'm not! –10th St & FDR 20-something woman on cell: It's white, sleeveless…well, you don't watch Gossip Girl but it's totally Blair-worthy. –W 19th & 5th Ave Appalled girl to friend: So, I guess he just couldn't hold it in and needed to share with everyone around him, so he just shouted out "Fuck! I miss Gossip Girl!" –Mercer & W 3rd Saucy Latina: Telemundo makes BET look like The History Channel. –171st St & Broadway Overheard by: The Low Hat Guy to friend: My girlfriend is cool if you and your boys are…she loves the BBC when she's high. –PATH Station Overheard by: smjcnj 30-something woman on cell: Remember season one of The Hills? What a simpler time. –Columbia University Overheard by: The Evil Triangle