Archive for the ‘Fat People’ Category

Cliche Must Be French for Hippopotamus

Fat lady: Last night, I ate an entire box of cookies
Skinny lady: Uh huh.
Fat lady: Like the whole box. I mean, I sort of threw up in my sleep I think.
Skinny lady: That’s–
Fat lady: I mean, there were definite cookie bits in my bed this morning. I’m such a cliche.
Skinny lady: That’s just really…sad. –Pick a Bagel on Third, Third Avenue

How Marshmallows Are Made (A NYC Short Story)

Fat woman: You’re a piece of shit, you know that? That’s what you are, a piece of shit. You are a bitch, and you know who else is a bitch? Your mother. And your grandmother is a bitch, and her mother was a bitch, and all those generations before that were bitches. You should go back to your country, where they’re not so stupid to give our money to people like you who spend it on fur coats. You think you have more money than me? Lady, I have more money than you could ever dream of having. And I’m young, I’m 25, and you’re old, you’re an old lady. Get a job.
Russian woman: Since I come here from Russia, I work every day for 17 years! You are terrible!
Fat woman: Oh right, right. I’ve seen you on Stillwell, paying with food stamps in your fur coat. You are a piece of shit, you bitch. The train stops at 4th avenue. The fat woman leaves the train, cursing, and bangs loudly on the window from outside. A cop approaches her, and seeing him she holds the train doors open. Fat woman: Officer! Officer! This Russian lady in this car here was yelling at me. That’s her, sitting right there, she was cursing at me.
Cop: Come with me, miss. He drags the fat woman off. The entire car applauds. –F train Overheard by: Eric W

Wednesdays Are Naturally Sweetened With One-Liners

Chick on cell: As a pie-lover, I have a question.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Poogins

Father to toddler: No, you can't have a doughnut. You just had a doughnut yesterday. You can have another when you're…25!

–Doughnut Plant, Grand & Norfolk

Large older woman: I like cherry, lemon, peach, apple, and pumpkin. Other than that, I'm not a big pie person.

–Central Park Bench

Overheard by: Struedel Snatcher

Big black guy: And she kept trying to get me to take a pie, but I kept telling her, "bitch, I ain't got no room for no pie!"

–Penn Station

Young lady to friend, gravely: I understand, but things have changed. That was before the chocolate bonanza.

–72nd & Broadway

Overheard by: T. Ryan

Tour De Wednesday One-Liners

Large female southern tourist: It'd be really funny if we got stuck on the toilet and couldn't get up. It'd be the whole "help! Get me off this toilet!" thing.

–Bathroom, Metropolitan Museum of Art

Tourist woman to husband: Where's that cop who was here a minute ago? He gave me the wrong directions, and I wanna cuss him out for it!

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Deeds

Tourist: Is this the building where people go all crazy about the numbers?

–Outside New York Stock Exchange

Overheard by: Kyle

50-something tourist husband to wife, while they share bites of same apple: I don't know why we came to this city… We can't even afford breakfast.

–34th & 7th