Archive for the ‘Fears’ Category

…But I Have This Machete Just in Case.

(cop has police tape pulled across intersection to prevent pedestrians from walking while traffic is moving)
Ten-year-old kid, wearing gray sweatshirt and blue baseball cap: Why are you doing that?
Cop: We got a call about someone wearing a gray sweatshirt and blue baseball cap prowling the streets, so this is to keep you safe. Do you feel safe, kid?
Kid, looking terrified: Yeah? –5th Ave & 47th St

Crossing Delancey (A NYC Short Story)

I had just missed the train and was waiting on the bench at the end of the platform when a ragged looking crazy man starts pacing around in front of me. He says to himself: …and when I don’t take my medication, I get a little crazy, but I don’t like to take it because it makes me feel different…New Yorkers are all rude. In New Jersey they’ll say “Hi” back to you and ask how you are doing. New Yorkers are all rude or scared. Crazy man sits a seat down from me. I am a typical computer tech: glasses, chunky, and neat. I am looking straight at the tracks, ignoring him. Crazy man: This city’s full of queers and niggers and geeks, yeah geeks. He looks at me and says: They’re all rude or scared. Scared that you’ll beat them. Beat on them. You know what I mean? I don’t answer and am looking away from him. Crazy man: See! See! Rude…scared. He opens a NY Post. Crazy man: Look at all these murders. All these people dying. Ever think they deserved to die, though? I get up and walk all the way to the other end of the platform. The F train comes and I get on and sit down. I hear a voice next to me: Ever get the feeling you’re being followed? –Delancey Street station Overheard by: Matt

Don’t Bogart the Wednesday One-Liners!

Flyer guy to tourist: Take it, take it, it’s free! But my weed is not. I’ll be right here until five. –45th & Broadway Overheard by: Engi Yuppie guy: Hey, you wanna buy a bong and get pierced? –MacDougal & Bleecker Overheard by: Betty Noir Guy listening to iPod: Pussy, money, weed! Pussy, money, weed! Pussy, money, weed! –183rd & Audubon Ave Overheard by: BB Black guy to another: All those niggas do is smoke weed and call ACS on each other! –A train, Brooklyn Guy on cell: Dude every time she sees me she’s like, ‘O-M-G, you’re high.’ And I usually am, but like, I like to think I hide it well. But she always knows. And even so, I’m like, ‘Em, why do you have to comment on it every single time? At the dorms, at parties, even at Target one time!’ Hahaha… But anyway, we might come Thursday. I’ll see if my funds are in order to make the trip. What kind of shit would we have to wear? Beach stuff? Oooh, and I could rock my stunna shades. –6 train Guy outside MTV studios: Stay calm. Everything is going to be okay. There will be marijuana giveaways. –1515 Broadway Overheard by: Rebecca

Later He Affixed Some Rubber to Dampen His Impact on Her

20 something man, jumping up as seat collapses under him: You see?! That happens to me every time I stand up from sitting on them, too. I sit down KNOWING it’s going to happen, but it always gets me.
20 something girlfriend: I know, I do the same thing.
20 something man: I mean, how hard would it be to affix some rubber or something so that it dampens the impact?
20 something girl: …and doesn’t scare everyone on the train.
20 something man: Yeah.
[Someone stands up from sitting on one at other end of train causing everyone to jump and look over.]
20 something girl: See, I’m sayin!
20 something man: Actually, I think I kinda like it. It’s sort of organic, keeps you on your toes. You never know what the MTA will throw at you… –2 Train Overheard by: Ohiowatha