Archive for the ‘Fire’ Category

Wednesday P.A.-Liners

Building fire safety supervisor, over intercom: Attention! This is your fire safety supervisor. The alarm you are hearing was accidentally triggered by a delivery person on the 18th floor. Repeat, the alarm was accidentally triggered. There is no fire. I will continue to keep you alarmed throughout the day.

–5th & 57th

Overheard by: Paul Tabachneck

MTA worker over intercom: Attention ladies and gentlemen, there is no n or r train service at this station. I repeat: no n or r train service at this station. (repeats this roughly a dozen times) You hear that? No trains. Not even half a train. No. Trains.

–59th & Lexington

Overheard by: was hoping there was a chance of a train…

Female announcer, with a little attitude: Attention people standing on the uptown local platform! Why are you standing there? No trains are stopping at that platform; they're all on the express track, like that c train stopping right now.

–34th St & 8th Ave

Overheard by: going downtown, thank you

Announcer: We would like to remind all passengers that there is no smoking on MTA platforms. Especially blunts. (guy smoking blunt in station leaves)

–High Street Station

Loudspeaker: Will James please come to the courtesy desk? Your wife is lost.

–Stop 'n' Shop, Staten Island

Overheard by: Emily

Wednesday-One-Liner 451

5th grader to friends on stairs: So my brother burned a hole in the floor so we could spy on the neighbors.

–The Spence School

Overheard by: urbanadventurer

Hot 20-something: If another mediocre man hits on me after another mediocre meal I am going to burn the city down!

–1 Train

20-something to friend: The house burnt down, and now my dad has no eyebrows. No really, he has no eyebrows.

–Thompkin Square Park

Yuppie guy: You know, I think heartburn is the best kind of burn someone could have.

–Bleecker & Jones

Overheard by: Jas

Five-year-old boy, singing: Let the train, let the train, let the train be on fire!
(continues for a few minutes) Let China, let China, let China be on fire!

–F Train

Subway conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, this train is being held due to a…slight fire at the next station.

–C Train

Overheard by: G.

Wednesday One-Liners Powder Their Noses

Female suit in bathroom stall: Well, are you gonna have those files? (pauses, makes bathroom noises) Okay, well, I need it today. Listen…okay…(pauses, more bathroom noises) Great! (pauses, toilet flushes) No, it's okay, go ahead. (pauses) Okay, no, I'm really sorry–I'm just entering the subway, that's what all that noise was. (storms out of the bathroom, doesn't wash her hands)

–34th St & 9th St

Flustered 50-something suit: It's burning! It's burning!

–Penn Station Bathroom

Man in stall: There should be a law against what's coming out of me.

–25th St & Park Ave

Overheard by: I agree

Suit in bathroom on cell: Honey, I can't talk to you right now. (pause) I'm in the bathroom! (pause) I've got a fucking dick in my hand! (pause) What do you mean whose dick?

–Restroom, Grand Central

Six-year-old kid, finishing at urinal: Shake the weasel!

–Men's Room, Regal Battery Park City Cinemas

Overheard by: Russ Wall

Wednesday One-Liners Don’t Need No Water, Let the Motherfucker Burn!

Girl on cell: So yeah, I was like, ‘That is a great costume,’ and then it set her hair on fire and I was like, ‘That’s gross.’

–CVS, 42nd & 3rd

Crazy hobo: That’s right! Arrest me! I’ll burn half y’all houses down… And set the other half on fire!

–Brooklyn-bound Q train

Overheard by: Incitatus

Pseudo-intellectual: She called me and told me there was a bonfire in her ovaries.

–MacDougal Street Ale House

Overheard by: Ladle

Creepster: Come here… You don’t wanna know what I’m on right now. If you come home with me, I will light you on fire.

–Columbus Ave

Concerned NYU girl to boyfriend about California wildfires: Do you think Cher’s house burned?!

–Water St dorm, NYU

Overheard by: michael

Wednesday One-or-the-Other-Liners

Charity worker: Help the homeless! [Androgynous person walks by] Even a pretty girl… boy… whatever-that-was can help!

–Times Square

Chick, wistfully: That was Vadim. He was from St. Petersburg. When we broke up he stole all my dresses.

–A train

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Large black security guard, inspecting guy’s Sephora bag: You da man!

–Hayden Planetarium

Pierced 20-ish chick: So, the last time I pegged a guy he wouldn’t stop jabbering on and on about how much he loved trannies. It just made me shove in the strap-on harder.

–Delancey & Orchard

Overheard by: Californian

Guy: I sirred a ma’am today. But, in my defense, she was a very sir-able ma’am.

–33rd & Broadway