Overheard In New York

Archive for the ‘Fire’ Category

It’s Not Excitement Unless It Leaves Scars

Chick: Last night’s blind date was so boring.
Guy: Oh, yeah?
Chick: I was so bored I got drunk, but my hair caught on fire from the candle on the table.
Guy: Oh my god!
Chick: I didn’t know my hair was ablaze when he threw water on me, and I was like, ‘What the fuck are you doing?!’

–D train

A Burnt Offering of Wednesday One-Liners

Chick on cell: I don’t remember why he put the phone in the oven… I think it was to prove a point. And my mom didn’t know, so she turned the oven on and then the phone caught on fire.

–NYU trolley

Panhandler: Ladies and gentlemen, I’m not trying to get drugs. I’m not trying to buy alcohol. I’m just trying to survive. It’s a hard life out there trying to sleep, and people always trying to set you on fire.

–F train

Guy with Jamaican accent: Women be causin’ the men to be committin’ adultery. Women be causin’ the men to be lustin’ after the butt. Women need to put their butt back into their pants. Women, you need to cover your butt, or it will be covered in fire.

–4 train

Overheard by: The Cannon

NYU politics professor: … So if you want to stay warm out there, you’re free to burn the flag.

–Silver Center, NYU

Guy sprinting to JAP on cell: Ma’am! You’re on fire! [Guy grabs her Vera Bradley purse, on fire from her cigarette, and throws it savagely to the ground.] I’m sorry, but I had to do that. [JAP stares blankly at him and continues cell conversation.]

–Bobst Library, NYU

Overheard by: J-Steve

We Only Burn Down Buildings in Iraq

British man: Has anyone burned down his house yet?
British woman: No, love, we don’t do that here.

–Houston & Lafayette

Overheard by: Jay

Are You on Fire? We May Have a Position for You!

Corporate worker #1: Did you smell the gas leak this morning?
Corporate worker #2: No… Where was it? I didn’t smell anything. I wish I was there. I would have lit a match on my clothes so I wouldn’t have to quit my job.

–50th & Broadway

Overheard by: criska

Where There’s Smoke There Are Wednesday-One-Liners

Guy on cell: Yeah, I just caught Kev with a joint and I flipped out on him and took it to destroy it. Yeah, I was an idiot though. I tried to burn it.

–Bay Parkway & 86 St

Overheard by: Ben

Guy: He would be no good on a deserted island. I wouldn’t eat him. He would just be thrown in the fire.

–Union Square East

Guy: My sprinkler growing up was a fire hydrant.

–Tompkins Square

Overheard by: Lila J

Woman: Either there’s a building on fire or a whole lot of marijuana.

–3rd Ave & 10th St

Little girl: Mommy, do even tiny peppers burn your asshole on the way out?

–Taco Bell, 6th Ave

Cop to sad-faced mime: You can do anything you want, you just can’t have anything on fire.

–South Street Seaport

Overheard by: futurebird

Ghetto girl, looking at burning car: That one angry bitch.

–103rd St & CPW

Overheard by: Little Match Girl

She’s the Star of Vivid Video’s ‘Catalina’s Burning Nipples’

Girl: Y’know Catalina who works upstairs? The one with the really big breasts? Whenever it’s a customer’s birthday, she pulls her shirt down, attaches matches to her nipples and lights the cake with them while singing, ‘Happy Birthday.’
Guy: Are her nipples made of wood or something?
Girl: I don’t know. All I know is when I turn around, they’re on fire!

–Uptown N, 23rd St

Overheard by: Jatmos

Baby, You Can Drive My Wednesday One-Liners

Guy on cell: I don’t know, now she won’t sleep in the bedroom ’cause of the mobster, and she needs a ride to the Hamptons.

–7th & Ave A

Overheard by: Analt Guy: He’ll be here in another twenty minutes. He’s sleeping in the back of a car.

–74th & 2nd

Overheard by: Wendy Teenage girl: I know it’s so wrong, but I’m seriously lusting for luxury cars. I just want to lick them. I want to hump those leather seats!

–WTC Path station

Overheard by: Carine Suburban boy: Oh my God, driving in the city is most fun thing in the entire world! –Downtown R train Overheard by: confused Man: I had a bad night tonight. I stole a car, got two tickets. I shouldn’t-a stole that car. –Bodega, Brooklyn Overheard by: Flasteppi Drunk guy on cell: If you don’t have my money by 12 tomorrow, I’m gonna get your mother’s car and your sister’s car…I still love your sister, too, but you better have my money. –Union Turnpike-Kew Gardens E/F station Young woman: Where did all these cars come from? New York doesn’t have cars. –35th & 5th Overheard by: Frank & Alex

He Obviously Doesn’t Believe in Disco

Tourist guy: Why do the buildings in New York have water tanks on the
roofs?
Cop guy: I don’t know…maybe they knock it over if the building
goes up in flames. –Bowery & Delancey

Even a Penny for Wednesday One-liners

Hobo: Anybody help me feed my stomach? No? I hope all you get home safe. And don’t burn your house down. And don’t smoke no crack. –6 train Overheard by: P. Von Kant Hobo: I said I was hungry. Hungry. I can’t eat this bird-food shit! Why’d you give me this? –9th St. & 2nd Ave Hobo: Wanna see the real Zoo York? Bend over and I’ll show ya. –Madison Square Garden Overheard by: Dan Arcuri