Archive for the ‘Flight Attendants’ Category

All Wednesday One-Liners Over Six Ounces Will Be Confiscated

[Plane lands, bounces 20 feet into the air, finally slams back to earth, knocking all the oxygen masks out.]
Flight Attendant: Thank you for choosing American Airlines, ladies and gentlemen, obviously we have have landed… –LaGuardia Airport Overheard by: M. Smith/Terrified Passenger Flight Attendant: Chicken or beef? Chicken or beef? … Don’t think about it too long honey, they taste like cardboard. –United Flight Flight Attendant: We have two lavatories in the back of the plane and one in the front. Please use them. –LaGuardia Airport Pilot: Remember, there are 50 ways to leave your lover, but only 8 ways out of this aircraft. –JFK Runway Overheard by: cms Pilot, after an unusually smooth landing: God damn, that landin’ was butta! –Jet Blue JFK

Two Thumbs Up for Wednesday One-Liners

Hobo: Ladies and gentlemen, I’m not gonna lie to you — I’m broke, homeless, and I really wanna see Big Momma’s House 2. Please spare some change. –F train Overheard by: benny 20-ish chick: Why is Jason Bateman in a movie called Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium? This ruins all of my fantasies. –Harlem Overheard by: Ladle Diner: Yo, ‘hyena’ — I know how that’s spelled. H-Y-H-E-E-N-A. High-heena! I know that shit. I saw The Lion King. –IHOP, Staten Island Overheard by: explosivo Ghetto white girl: She never even saw Breakfast at Tiffany’s until I lent it to her… Tryin’ to act like that’s her shit… –B train Young Socrates: Yo, son, Saw II is the ill philosophic reference. –Brooklyn College Overheard by: fival went east Flight attendant: Attention, passengers, please turn your attention to channel 30. Caddyshack is on! –LaGuardia Overheard by: Erica: I quickly went to channel thirty

I Just Flew in from Wednesday, and Boy, Are My One-Liners Tired!

Flight attendant: Once again, please remain seated until the captain does turn off the ‘Fasten seatbelt’ sign… That includes all passengers in row nine… That includes all passengers wearing a blue polo… Yes, thank you, and have a great day. –JFK Pilot: Welcome to JetBlue flight 703 to San Juan… I’m from South Carolina. We do something special there — we let our kids drive at the age of fifteen. I’ve got a 15-year-old son and a 16-year-old daughter, so if you’re thinking of driving to Florida, do me a favor and fly JetBlue — it’s safer than driving through South Carolina, and my car insurance for my daughter last year was 15 hundred dollars, and now I have to add my son, so I really need this job to afford it. –JFK Overheard by: alan b hutscar Flight attendant: … And if you do require anything during this flight, simply press the button located above your head. Do not approach the galley, as it scares the hell out of me and I am not emotionally prepared to handle that today. –LaGuardia Overheard by: Sheffler Flight attendant: … And be sure that you lock your tray tables and place your seat backs in their least comfortable position for takeoff. –JFK Overheard by: Ardbeg78 Pilot: Well, folks, I’m sorry about the delay, but, uh, airplanes are complicated machines, you know? And sometimes they break. –United flight, JFK Overheard by: clueless about electronics Big, jolly black woman about to be frisked at security: You have yo’self a good time! –JFK Overheard by: Nancy L.

Wednesday One-Liners’ Lives Are in the Hands of Cynical Strangers

Pilot: For those of you seated on the left, if you look out of your window you can see the beautiful Manhattan skyline. For those seated on the right… thank you for flying United. –Flight to Newark Overheard by: will Captain: Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. I’m your captain, James T. Kirk, and today I’ll be assisted by my copilot, Ricky Bobby. –JetBlue flight, JFK Overheard by: jewish girl Flight attendant: Welcome to New York’s LaGuardia airport, where the local time is way too early in the morning! –Red-eye flight from Ft. Lauderdale, FL Overheard by: Johanna Cipolla Female flight attendant: In response to the many requests about what in-flight movies will be playing I have decided to make a public announcement: we are playing Gone with the Wind, and you are all free to sit on the wing to watch it. There is one oxygen mask per seat, and two in the bathroom. Why there are two in the bathroom — your guess is as good as mine. Thank you, and have a pleasant flight. –Southwest flight to JFK Flight attendant on PA: Be careful when opening the overhead bins. Items can shift during flight and fall on you, or even, God forbid, me. Overheard by: Earthborn –American Airlines flight, JFK Flight attendant: Please take out the safety cards in your seat’s back pocket and pretend to follow along. –United flight 7418, LaGuardia Overheard by: Natalya Petrovna Flight attendant: Thank you for listening to the safety announcement for this Boeing 777 service to Atlanta… [Proceeds in low whisper] Go to sleep. Go to sleep. You don’t want any beverages. Close your eyes and sleeep… –Red-eye flight, LaGuardia Overheard by: Drewp

Wednesday One-Liners Have a Captive Audience

Pilot: In just a few minutes our flight attendants will be starting beverage and snack service, including Coca Cola products and five snack options. Please listen carefully, as FAA regulations strictly prohibit our flight attendants from repeating these options. –Incoming flight, LaGuardia Flight attendant on intercom: Well, everybody, sorry for that delay — the plane was late coming in from California. On the other hand, I have some good news: I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance. –JFK Overheard by: geico lizard Gate attendant: We will be boarding this flight to Atlanta shortly, but this flight is overbooked. At this time, we’re asking for two volunteers to… Damn, bitch! –LaGuardia Overheard by: jaybrrd Pilot on intercom: Ladies and gentlemen, we’d like to welcome you aboard and thank you for choosing, uh, JetBlue… This is JetBlue, right? –JetBlue flight leaving JFK Overheard by: Russ Wall Flight attendant: We want to thank you for flying with us today and remind you that there’s no one who loves you or your money more than Delta. –JFK Overheard by: mrmcd Flight attendant on intercom: Please turn off your cell phones, pagers, iPods, laptops… Basically, anything that is bringing you joy right now, just turn it off. –JFK Overheard by: babs standigio Flight attendant on intercom after landing: Well, we’re here. –LaGuardia

Wednesday One-Liners Join the Jet Set

Intercom voice: If you heard your name, or something that sounds like it could be your name, please board your plane. It is leaving! –AirTran gates, LaGuardia Airport Overheard by: Sebastian White Security official: Okay, people, have your boarding passes out! If you don’t have your boarding passes out, I’m sending you to Amtrak! –Security screening line, LaGuardia Airport Overheard by: Beth T Pilot, on crowded runway: Welcome to the parking lot known as LaGuardia Airport. –LaGuardia Tarmac Pilot: The mist you are seeing is caused by a difference in temperature. The temperature outside is different from the temperature inside. Once we close the door and prepare for take-off, the mist will disappear, which will make us very sad because we like mist. –Jetblue flight into New York Overheard by: Denise Pilot: Good afternoon, passengers. We are about to make our final descent into John F. Kennedy International Airport, so buckle your seatbelts and hold on tight. –Flight into JFK Overheard by: frequent flyer Sassy flight attendant: In the event of a loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will be released from the overhead above your seat. After the screaming subsides, please place the oxygen mask around your nose and mouth. If you are traveling with a child or an adult who is acting like a child, place your mask on first before attempting to help put theirs on. –Flight out of LaGuardia Overheard by: Ronnie F Flight attendant: …and for those of you who wish to smoke, quit! And if you want to smoke inside, you came to the wrong state. –Spirit Air flight into LaGuardia Overheard by: Kathryn

U-G-L-Y. You Ain’t Got No Alibi. You Ugly! Hey, Hey, You Ugly! Go, Wednesday One-Liners!

Girl on cell: I was like, “Back up, bitch. Get off your high horse and don’t ever talk to me again.” Such a bitch. And the thing is, she’s not even cute. Like, she has no right! She’s a fucking bitch, and she’s ugly! It’s one thing to be a bitch, but to be one when you’re ugly? You just don’t do that. –19th & Broadway Aspiring fashionista: I don’t know what I’d do if I had a kid and it was ugly. I’d probably die of embarassment or something. Maybe I should adopt. Can you, like, ask the adoption people to give you a good-looking child or something? –SoHo Flight attendant: We will be dimming the cabin lighting, as it greatly improves the attractiveness of your in-flight crew. –JetBlue flight, JFK Overheard by: Josh Barro Father, to kids: Good job, guys! So [the doctor] says you’re ugly, but healthy. –Pediatrics office, Tribeca Buff girl on cell: Yeah, well, she accused me of being mean. She insulted this new dress I was wearing at the party and was all like, “Ew that is so ugly,” which was kinda bitchy, don’t you think? So I told her, “That’s because it would look like shit on you.”…Whatever. It’s true. –NYSC, Whitestone Overheard by: Karen