Archive for the ‘Food’ Category

Wednesday Doesn't Eat Enough to Keep a One-Liner Alive

Skinny professor: John* [a chubby professor] and I started Weight Watchers together at the same time! –Hostos Faculty Dining Room Overheard by: glad she's leaving Skinny girl to clerk: Hi, do you have a soy-based, non-dairy substitute for heavy cream? –Whole Foods, Union Square Overheard by: office peon loves Thanksgiving food Girl ordering Coffee Coolatta with skim milk: I hope this tastes as good as it did when I was anorexic. Everything tasted good back then… –Dunkin Donuts, Bay Ridge Overheard by: allison Jewish grandmotherly type: Women with anorexia seem to have such strange eating habits. –Upper West Side Anorexic-looking girl: I want a tic tac. I'm hungry. –95th & 2nd

I Know We Work on the First Floor, But It Would Be So Embarassing for Her

Lady suit: I mean, if she got hit by a bus or something and he was grieving and I brought over a casserole, he would totally fall in love with me.
Suit #1: It would have to be a damn good casserole.
Lady suit: I make a damn good casserole–have you never had my casserole?
Suit #2: Maybe we should invite her over to the office and have a party on the balcony, and then we can all bump into her at the same time and push her off. –Lincoln Plaza Cinemas Overheard by: indie movie girl

I'd Like You All Now to Join Me in a Chorus of “This Little Light of Mine”

Bus driver: Good morning passengers! You may have heard recently that bus drivers have been put on a diet to make them nicer and more helpful. Now this doctor has told me, “No more bacon and eggs, but a nice bowl of oatmeal. Oh, and lots of water, fruit. And instead of stopping for some pork fried rice in the afternoon, with chicken wings, a nice piece of flounder, maybe with some butter and herbs.” Now it's been 15 days, and I am so much more polite to passengers, saying “Good morning. How do you do?” I'm even nicer to mama when she gets home. Helpin' her with her carriage and bags; lowering the bus for people at the curb. So I just want to thank you and let you know to bear with me for another 15 days. Thank you and have a nice day. –B61 Bus Overheard by: I should have eaten breakfast

Splenda’s Actually Sugar with Augmented Breasts and No Pubes

Chick #1: I always use Equal.
Chick #2: Why?
Chick #1: Well, I like to think of Equal as the women’s lib of sweetener.
Chick #2: So… What does that make Sweet’N Low? The pre-lib? Feminine mystique?
Chick #1: Yeah… Just look at it — pink and pretty, sweet, and bowed low. C’mon. It’s like, ‘Hey, ladies, be sweet and pink for your man — use Sweet’N Low and stay in shape and he’ll love you more!’ Then there’s Equal — it’s blue, it’s bold, it demands attention. It says, ‘Yeah, we’re an artificial sweetener, marketed towards women, but we’re equal!’
Chick #2: Um… Okay, so what does that make Splenda?
Chick #1: I guess post-lib feminism?
Chick #2: Uh, I don’t even know what that is…
Chick #1: Well, see, Splenda’s in court now because apparently neither does anyone else.
Chick #2: Wow… The history of feminism, as interpreted by Deborah, through artificial sweetener… I don’t think I was ready for that at eight in the morning on a Thursday.
Chick #1: Yeah… But that was the only time it was gonna happen. –71st & West End Overheard by: Pedro

According to Legend, Mr. Wonka Never Went Back

Big black woman, on Halloween: Who are you supposed to be, The Mad Hatter?
Guy: I'm Willy Wonka. Gene Wilder's Willy Wonka from the seventies.
Big black woman: Oh, I never would have known. You know, what you need is an accessory, a prop.
Guy: Like what? I look just like him!
Big black woman: You need a chocolate woman on your arm. –Jack Dempsey's Pub