Archive for the ‘Food’ Category

People for the Ethical Treatment Of Wednesday One-Liners

Girl to guy: I don't think that hamsters respond to you as much as, like, a guinea pig does. –Bank St. & Greenwich St. Overheard by: Katie Compa Crazy redneck-looking guy to PETA circus protester: They're gonna do to us what they did to the lions! We'll be put in concentration camps! –Madison Square Garden Overheard by: Santiago and Catie Guy: And she can ride him like a horse! –W 103rd St Graying Brooklyn guy to another: You know, the only thing I haven't seen is a bobcat. –7th Ave & 4th St, Brooklyn Underclassman to another: Lizards can't impregnate anyone. They don't even have penises. –Townsend Harris High School Overheard by: amused Drunk man in tiger costume to McDonald's worker: There's an escaped zoo animal and he wants to eat your pussy. Stop serving your food and hide! (then steals bowl of jams used for breakfast menu) –McDonald's

Wednesday Doesn't Eat Enough to Keep a One-Liner Alive

Skinny professor: John* [a chubby professor] and I started Weight Watchers together at the same time! –Hostos Faculty Dining Room Overheard by: glad she's leaving Skinny girl to clerk: Hi, do you have a soy-based, non-dairy substitute for heavy cream? –Whole Foods, Union Square Overheard by: office peon loves Thanksgiving food Girl ordering Coffee Coolatta with skim milk: I hope this tastes as good as it did when I was anorexic. Everything tasted good back then… –Dunkin Donuts, Bay Ridge Overheard by: allison Jewish grandmotherly type: Women with anorexia seem to have such strange eating habits. –Upper West Side Anorexic-looking girl: I want a tic tac. I'm hungry. –95th & 2nd

I Know We Work on the First Floor, But It Would Be So Embarassing for Her

Lady suit: I mean, if she got hit by a bus or something and he was grieving and I brought over a casserole, he would totally fall in love with me.
Suit #1: It would have to be a damn good casserole.
Lady suit: I make a damn good casserole–have you never had my casserole?
Suit #2: Maybe we should invite her over to the office and have a party on the balcony, and then we can all bump into her at the same time and push her off. –Lincoln Plaza Cinemas Overheard by: indie movie girl

I'd Like You All Now to Join Me in a Chorus of “This Little Light of Mine”

Bus driver: Good morning passengers! You may have heard recently that bus drivers have been put on a diet to make them nicer and more helpful. Now this doctor has told me, “No more bacon and eggs, but a nice bowl of oatmeal. Oh, and lots of water, fruit. And instead of stopping for some pork fried rice in the afternoon, with chicken wings, a nice piece of flounder, maybe with some butter and herbs.” Now it's been 15 days, and I am so much more polite to passengers, saying “Good morning. How do you do?” I'm even nicer to mama when she gets home. Helpin' her with her carriage and bags; lowering the bus for people at the curb. So I just want to thank you and let you know to bear with me for another 15 days. Thank you and have a nice day. –B61 Bus Overheard by: I should have eaten breakfast

Splenda’s Actually Sugar with Augmented Breasts and No Pubes

Chick #1: I always use Equal.
Chick #2: Why?
Chick #1: Well, I like to think of Equal as the women’s lib of sweetener.
Chick #2: So… What does that make Sweet’N Low? The pre-lib? Feminine mystique?
Chick #1: Yeah… Just look at it — pink and pretty, sweet, and bowed low. C’mon. It’s like, ‘Hey, ladies, be sweet and pink for your man — use Sweet’N Low and stay in shape and he’ll love you more!’ Then there’s Equal — it’s blue, it’s bold, it demands attention. It says, ‘Yeah, we’re an artificial sweetener, marketed towards women, but we’re equal!’
Chick #2: Um… Okay, so what does that make Splenda?
Chick #1: I guess post-lib feminism?
Chick #2: Uh, I don’t even know what that is…
Chick #1: Well, see, Splenda’s in court now because apparently neither does anyone else.
Chick #2: Wow… The history of feminism, as interpreted by Deborah, through artificial sweetener… I don’t think I was ready for that at eight in the morning on a Thursday.
Chick #1: Yeah… But that was the only time it was gonna happen. –71st & West End Overheard by: Pedro

According to Legend, Mr. Wonka Never Went Back

Big black woman, on Halloween: Who are you supposed to be, The Mad Hatter?
Guy: I'm Willy Wonka. Gene Wilder's Willy Wonka from the seventies.
Big black woman: Oh, I never would have known. You know, what you need is an accessory, a prop.
Guy: Like what? I look just like him!
Big black woman: You need a chocolate woman on your arm. –Jack Dempsey's Pub