Old man #1: Bill! Look here, $2 pants!
Old man #2: Oh, don't be stupid. They were probably made in China.
–Orchard St
Archive for the ‘For Sale’ Category
Worst. Slave Girl. Ever.
Girl #1, applying for passport at window: Go get in line over there and get me some stamps.
Girl #2: What?
Girl #1: A book of stamps! Get me some stamps. And it had better not be over $20.
Girl #2: What if they have lotsa kinds of stamps? Like, which one should I get?
(girl #1 stares blank)
Girl #2: I don't buy stamps.
Girl #1: This isn't a library! Get a freaking book of stamps!
–Post Office, 42nd St
Wednesday One-Linernotes
Man handing out his CD: Scuze me, you like authentic Latino music? (woman flinches)
I ain't gonna bite you. Neither is the CD. Unless you're bitten with the sweet beat of salsa.
–2 Train
Older guy to younger date: So last night, right, I was a little drunker than I wanted to be and I was listening to those Beethoven and Mozart symphonies to, you know, really try to hear the difference between them…
–Uptown A Train
Woman walking out of a Chekhov play: Ugh! That was like taking a Tchaikovsky and playing it as if it were a Beeeeeethoven.
–Theatre District
Overheard by: Greer Feick
Happy older musician: I'm playing at the memorial concert for Ricky B*. Johnny T* was going to do it, but he died. I'm the go-to replacement when someone scheduled to play at a tribute concert dies.
–19th & 7th
Overheard by: tycho anomaly
Man on cell: Did you get the tickets? (pause) Eighty dollars to see a green bitch sing!?
–Chineese Restaurant, Columbus Ave
Bed, Bath, and Wednesday One-Liner
Hipstress to another: At least now if you find a baby on your doorstep, you'll have a dresser drawer to put it in.
–Pete's Candy Store, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Mat Freimuth
Gamer on headset, freaking out: Oh my god, why would you move the couch!? Why the hell did you move it, idiot!? When you move a couch, bad things happen! Move the couch… You stupid… Oh my god. Wanna know why we all died after moving the couch? Because we moved the damn couch!
–Glendale
Middle-aged woman backing away from pink, cushioned chair for sale: Only $199? I wonder what it would be like to fuck on that chair!
–Hamilton Heights
Angry wife: No, it's fine, at least I finally know how you truly feel about throw pillows.
–65th St & Broadway
Grandma Got Run Over by a Wednesday One-Liner
SUV driver to pedicab trying to make its way through the snow: Hey, buddy! I got a reindeer, ya wanna buy it?
–8th Ave & 48th St
Loud 13-year-old: Shut the fuck up, it's almost Christmas.
–B Train
Overheard by: Taylor
Middle-aged guy on cell: You'll never guess what I'm doing for Christmas. You'll never guess in a million years. (pause) Uhm, yeah, that's pretty close.
–8th Ave
Guy dressed in Santa costume on cell: Stop being such a weenie!
–Midtown
Angry little girl to older brother: If you don't let Santa out of our closet I will!
–Prospect Park
Overheard by: Taylor
Our New Public Service Announcement
Guy with lisp to friend: When I have outbreaks, they never have it, so I asked the guy at the gas station and he just bought a pack for me.
(friend mumbles something)
Guy with lisp: I have to walk miles to the gas station to get my herpes medication. My mom doesn't even know I have herpes, or that I used to have syphilis! Imagine having poison ivy on your knee, and it bursts, and there's pus. That's what it's like. Do you have herpes?
Friend, stupidly: Ha-huh. I don't know.
Guy with lisp: Did you fuck that chick Rachel?
Friend: Ha-huh. Yeah.
Guy with lisp: Did you ride her rough?
Friend: Ha-huh. Yeah.
Guy with lisp, shamelessly: You probably have herpes. I gave it to her about a month ago. We should talk more about who I've fucked and who I've given herpes to.
–Metro-North Rail
Overheard by: Fresca P.
What Ever Happened to Good Old-fashioned Theft?
Customer: Um, can I get a discount on this coat?
Cashier: Is there anything wrong with it?
Customer: No, I just don't have a lot of money right now.
–Urban Outfitters, NoHo
Wednesday One-Liners Are a Bit Fruity
Young barista to another, peeling a banana: You like your women like you like your bananas.
–Bedford Ave
Man outside fry place: They don't sell watermelon here. I read the menu three times, and no watermelon.
–Pomme Frites, 2nd Ave
Dude on cell: Banana. Banana banana banana banana. Banana.
–Flatbush Avenue, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Sarah Booz
30-something suit to another: If I'm hungry I'll eat a banana, but I can't eat more than one. Because bananas, like, annoy me.
–Metro-North Harlem Line
Employee: All natural mango juice, on sale for 66… no, 69 cents off the regular price.
(customer walks away, uninterested) Where do you think you're going?
–Whole Foods
Overheard by: Sac
Wednesday One-Megapixeliners
Pushy black woman to employee standing next to portrait studio samples: The next time I come in here, I want to see my daughter's picture up here, because she is beautiful.
–K-Mart, 34th St
Overheard by: EthanK
Guy: There were some pictures taken, involving, like, my penis and Caleb's penis and five other guys.
–4th St & 2nd Ave
Girl: Food is overrated, let's just take a picture and leave.
–100th St & Broadway
Hipster punk girl on phone: Hello? (pause) No, but I know a girl if you're looking. She also puts jelly on her toes. (pause) Who? I once sold a semi-nude photo of myself at an art show once. I think Brendan has a copy of it… no one would ever pay to see my feet. But again, I ask, who were you talking to? (pause) Dave was under the impression that I sold pictures of my extremities for money? That's awesome! I'm going to send him a picture of my elbow!
–Union Square
Overheard by: Ayenbird
Guy: The more bodies, the more pictures. That's what I always say.
–14th St & 7th Ave
The Equally Unpleasant Male Equivalent Of a “Little Dick” Insult
Aspiring street musician: Hey, lady! Wanna buy my CD?
Lady: Nope! That shit's rap and I only like R&B!
Aspiring street musician: Yeah, well, maybe you shouldn't be outside with your pussy smelling like that!
–Outside Macy's
Overheard by: Nick Spiller