Archive for the ‘Fordham’ Category

Harlot, 1995-2000: I Was a Team Player Skilled in Oral Communication with Customers

Acting student, performing a scene: You cheated on me! You harlot!
Acting professor: No, no! Now would you say ‘harlot?’ If someone called me a harlot I’d say ‘Oh thank you so much!’ You’d say you mother-fucking bitch, you whore, you slut! ‘Harlot’ sounds beautiful, I’d put it on my resume! –Fordham University, Lincoln Center Overheard by: team jeffrey

In Wednesday One-Liners We Trust

Hipster chick: Popping a blister is like smacking god in the face! –Fordham University, Lincoln Center Overheard by: Alice Homeless man on train begging for money by telling jokes: A black man and a white man go into a bar. They get into a fight with each other. And then they die. And then they go to heaven and god says to them: "What it is… what it is!" –1 Train Overheard by: Kristin Girl to friend: I’m gonna have to get ghetto on god! –61st & Broadway Overheard by: lizzerd Homeless man says to homeless woman: Now, these people are trying to hoodwink god! –Seventh Ave & Lincoln Place, Park Slope Overheard by: Annie Professor to students: God is not a drug dealer! –Fordham University

Queequeg the Tampooner Thought Otherwise

Roomie #1: Why is this non-slip grip on the new tampon ads such a big deal? When do I really need some super non-slip grip sport tampon?
Roomie #2: You know, when you’re under water.
Roomie #1: Under water?! I am not the Little Mermaid! –Fordham University Overheard by: a confused roomate #3

Don't Hate the Wednesday One-Liner, Hate the Game

(a pigeon flies up to a rambling bike messenger)
Bike messenger: Hey, bird. Whadda ya say? How you doing? You play baseball? What position? First base? Third? Catcher? –47th & Madison Ditzy teen on cell: Why can't they, like, have two footballs instead so both teams could score? –Doctor's Office, Brooklyn Overheard by: Robert Gleyberman Professor: Did I tell you guys I'm getting into professional wrestling? –Fordham University, Lincoln Center Overheard by: Didn't want the details Guy to another, screaming at the top of his lungs: It's fucking field hockey! It's a girl's sport! Why are you even on the team?! You make me sick! –Columbia University Overheard by: Scott Jurkowski Train conductor, announcing stop: Willets point, Shea Stadium…home of that *other* team. –Willets Point, Queens Overheard by: Random Asian Chick

Wednesday One-Liners Reach Maximum Occupancy

Professor: All the buildings in Florence are five stories high, because they were built before elevators, and that's how many stories you can walk up with groceries before you die. –Fordham University 20-something tourist girl to family, about subway: It's like an elevator, but opposite. –N Train Bimbette: I, like, ran into them in the elevator and they, like, literally gang-banged me. –Astoria 20-something woman: Do you think he ever found out I didn't fall down an elevator shaft? –F Train

Bill Cosby Started Out the Same Way

Girl #1: Oh, I like your sweater!
Girl #2: Oh, thanks, my mom gave it to me. You know it's funny, she gave it to me a few months ago because she said New York winters are cold and I have nothing that's wool. I was like, “Mom, you cannot seriously expect me to wear this for real.” Last week I wore it as a joke, but then everyone was like “That sweater is so cool!” so now this time I'm wearing it for real.
Girl #2: Good decision. –Classroom, Fordham University Overheard by: Martin Van Nostrand

Doctor, It Hurts When I Wednesday My One-Liners!

White college girl: I would definitely want to be a doctor, if I didn't have to go to medical school. –Fordham University Nurse to another: Well, it seems that the themes of the day were UTIs and pregnancies. –NYU Student Health Center Overheard by: had neither Black male pre-teen to mother: I know all about doctors, 'cause I watch shows about that. (pause) Actually, I watch Dr Phil. –1 Train Guy to two girls: I had to fire my doctor, I didn't like what he told me. –39th & Lexington Doctor, drawing on napkin and displaying results to student: This is you…in 40 years, in a fugue state. In Turkey. Dissociative fugue–learn neurology! –168th & Fort Washington