Archive for the ‘Foreplay’ Category

Kept Asking How Much of a Monthly Payment I Wanted

Girl #1: … And then he texted me, ‘I hope all is well.’
Girl #2: Oh, well that was nice.
Girl #1: Nice? ‘I hope all is well’?! Does he mean, ‘I hope all is well now that I’ve scraped your vagina out’?!
Girl #2: Well, I mean, he is a used car salesman…
Girl #1: Oh my god. You’re right. Oh my god, I got fingered by a used car salesman!

–12th & University Pl

Good Points Were Made on Both Sides

Crazy crackhead to himself: Bitch! They stole my fucking money! You know they did this one! You just fucking fall asleep and they just jacked me. Fucking cunts. [Undressing] I mean, fucking seriously! I just paid them and I just pass out and they just fucking steal my money. Those fucking asshole cunts. Where the fuck is my stash?!
McDonald’s manager: Sir, please put your pants on. There are children around.

–McDonald’s near Madison Square Garden

Insatiable Wednesday One-Liners

Guy on cell: No, no, no! He said they came to search him and he swallowed it.

–Sullivan & Bleecker

Teen girl at human limbs exhibit: Hmmm, I’m hungry.

–Bodies Exhibit, South St Seaport

Frat boy on cell: I miss you, baby. I love ya. I want to taste your saliva. Call me later when you’re drunk.

–University Pl & 14th St

Overheard by: Erin

Bimbette lighting a cigarette: This probably isn’t what I should be having for breakfast.

–14th St & 1st Ave

Man on cell: Have you talked about coating her in peanut butter and jelly and eating her like a sandwich? No? Okay.

–Starbucks, Court St, Brooklyn

Overheard by: MmmSandwich

Mom: Who’s the yummiest baby in the world? Is it you? Are you super-duper yummy?

–115th St & Broadway

Unless It’s an Apparition Doing the Molesting, Like That Hot Scene in Ghostbusters

Girl #1: I am so wasted. I got molested by some Mexican at this sleepover party thing.
Girl #2: What?
Girl #1: Yeah, I woke up and everyone was fighting cause he touched my boobs. I think there’s some law saying that you can’t molest someone while they’re sleeping.
Girl #2: Actually, I think there’s a law saying you can’t molest someone, period.

–Stuyvesant High School

Overheard by: if walls had ears