Little boy: Dad, can I try to fix your watch?
Dad: Wait until we get home.
Little boy, crying: You don't trust me with anything!
Dad: No, it's not that I don't trust you, it's just that fixing a watch is very hard. Not even David Blaine can replace a tiny screw on a crowded stretch of Broadway.
Little boy: Who's David Blaine?
–Broadway & Prince
Archive for the ‘Gadgets’ Category
Great. Now Explain It Again in a Slow, Sultry Tone.
Music teacher: So, how do you control the sound of a recorder?
Embarrassed teenage boy: Um… You put your fingers… Uh, in the hole. And the higher you want the sound to be, the more fingers you put in the hole.
Music teacher: Is there any other way to control the sound?
Embarrassed teenage boy: Well, the harder you blow, the faster the sound will come. And the softer you blow, the slower it'll come.
–Bard High School, Queens
Overheard by: Sunny
Why So Many Little Kids Want to Play Hockey
Little boy: Mommy, mommy!
Mom: What?
Little boy: Can I please have this? (holds up Transformers toy)
Mom, laughing: Yeah, the tooth fairy's gonna have to come a lot more for you to afford that.
–Target
Wednesday M1-Liners
Bored bus driver: This is Eldar Avenue. Next stop is Kissena boulevard, and for those of you wearing headphones: blah blah blabbity blah.
–Q44
Overheard by: Carolyn S
Animated BoltBus driver: If you're talking on your BlackBerry, your strawberry, or to Halle Berry… Well, in that case, let me know…
–BoltBus
Bus driver: Ladies and gentlemen, please continue moving to the rear end of the bus. The sooner you move, the sooner we move. Thank you for your cooperation. (long pause) Those who are cooperating… ladies and gentlemen, please step in. Watch the closing door. It's about to close riiiiight now.
–101 Bus, Harlem
Bus driver: Now the road may get a bit bumpy. Just keep in mind it's not my fault, it's not the bus's fault, it's the asphalt.
–Port Authority Bus Terminal
Bus driver: On your left you'll see men wearing orange vests, they are volunteers, they are helping their community. (long pause) They entered through the back of the bus or jumped over the turnstiles, and got fined. They couldn't pay the ticket, so the city lets them work it off, only for a day or two, so they don't have to pay the ticket. So don't enter through the back of the bus or jump the turnstiles.
–Q43
Bus driver: Please keep your voices low when using your cell phones. Last week a woman refused to heed that advice, so I stranded her at the first rest stop. That was my mother.
–BoltBus
Overheard by: MilitantLezbian
Wine and Wednesday One-Liners
Female college student on cell: Sorry, there was an incident. She was eating string cheese, and I told her she looked like a walrus. So she tried to smack me in the face but she couldn't, and I ran into the bathroom. So she tried to hit me with the string cheese, but I was like your string cheese will get all fuzzy. So she smacked me in the face with the cheese.
–Penn Station
Girl on phone: And then I stuck a string cheese in the microwave. Yeah, in the wrapper.
–57th & 7th
Sexy guy, looking at orchestra program description of movement "con brio": Does that mean "with cheese"?
–Camerata Notturna Concert, W. 57th St
Overheard by: Ladle
Older European woman to another: She's fine with the reference to cheese. I mean, she can eat cheese, just not the real kind.
–Union Square
Hipster: So she writes everything down in her cheese diary…
–Bedford & 4th
Which Goes Well with My Skin
Girl wearing leggings as pants: I love your watch… does it flip open?
(frail elderly woman looks confused)
Girl: That, your watch.
Frail elderly woman: This is my life alert. If I fall, I can call for help.
Girl: Oh! Uh… well, it goes really well with your outfit.
Frail elderly woman: It doesn't come it any other colors. Just beige.
–Houston & Bowery
Overheard by: misskitty
The Global Pussy System Stands Ready to Fulfill Our Most Deviant Desires
Frat boy #1: Dude, let's get some pussy!
Frat boy #2: Where?
Frat boy #1: Use your GPS!
–4th St & MacDougal St
Every Night, I Pray for More Wednesday One-Liners
Disgruntled MTA worker, to no one in particular: See? I don't like human beings all that much. I like animals, they mo' fo' real. (venomously) Y'all better be glad I'm not god.
–6 Train
30-something white guy to friends: I live in Mesopotamia, 'cause the gods are gangsta!
–W 83rd & Columbus Ave
Older MTA worker, comforting young passenger: GPS: Guidance, patience, strength. Give it over to god. Trust that motherfucker is going to handle it. Give me GPS and I can handle the rest!
–Union Square Subway Stop
Bag lady, drenched in rain: The joke's on you, god!
–9th St & University Place
20-something guy on phone: So then she tells me the reason my dad died is because god was trying to hurt me!
–Union Square
Overheard by: talker's remorse
30-something: I mean…he's a good looking guy, but then he found god.
–39th St
God Help Those Elderly Laser Fucks
Black woman #1: She thinks we're too old for laser tag!
Black woman #2: Uh-huh.
Black woman #1: I mean, as long as we aren't, like, thirty or something, we're okay.
–Dunkin Donuts, 125th & Lenox
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
Plug-and-Play Wednesday One-Liners
Female tv & radio producer: I don't understand how women can have kids today when there are Blackberries.
–Bloomberg
Overheard by: Yalie09
Man to woman at bar: That's the beauty of freezers!
–Bar, 13th St
Woman, to nobody in particular: Excuse me, but does anyone know how to use a Blackberry? I just got it today.
–Long Island Railroad
Girl on cell: It's not my fault, it's the technology.
–W Houston & Hudson St
14-year-old boy to mother: She spends hers on books, markers; on beads for her hair; I spent mine on this PDA to organize my life!
–F Train
Overheard by: ap.scigaj