Archive for the ‘Gadgets’ Category

Which Goes Well with My Skin

Girl wearing leggings as pants: I love your watch… does it flip open?
(frail elderly woman looks confused)
Girl
: That, your watch.

Frail elderly woman: This is my life alert. If I fall, I can call for help.
Girl: Oh! Uh… well, it goes really well with your outfit.
Frail elderly woman: It doesn't come it any other colors. Just beige.

–Houston & Bowery

Overheard by: misskitty

Every Night, I Pray for More Wednesday One-Liners

Disgruntled MTA worker, to no one in particular: See? I don't like human beings all that much. I like animals, they mo' fo' real. (venomously) Y'all better be glad I'm not god.

–6 Train

30-something white guy to friends: I live in Mesopotamia, 'cause the gods are gangsta!

–W 83rd & Columbus Ave

Older MTA worker, comforting young passenger: GPS: Guidance, patience, strength. Give it over to god. Trust that motherfucker is going to handle it. Give me GPS and I can handle the rest!

–Union Square Subway Stop

Bag lady, drenched in rain: The joke's on you, god!

–9th St & University Place

20-something guy on phone: So then she tells me the reason my dad died is because god was trying to hurt me!

–Union Square

Overheard by: talker's remorse

30-something: I mean…he's a good looking guy, but then he found god.

–39th St

Plug-and-Play Wednesday One-Liners

Female tv & radio producer: I don't understand how women can have kids today when there are Blackberries.

–Bloomberg

Overheard by: Yalie09

Man to woman at bar: That's the beauty of freezers!

–Bar, 13th St

Woman, to nobody in particular: Excuse me, but does anyone know how to use a Blackberry? I just got it today.

–Long Island Railroad

Girl on cell: It's not my fault, it's the technology.

–W Houston & Hudson St

14-year-old boy to mother: She spends hers on books, markers; on beads for her hair; I spent mine on this PDA to organize my life!

–F Train

Overheard by: ap.scigaj

Wednesday One-Liners Clean Everything Up Before Their Parents Get Back

Black woman in trashy outfit: And he said "But the party just started, bitch, I'll take you in a few hours!" and I was like, "Nigga please! My water just broke!"

–Lower East Side

Asian bimbo on cell: I just spoke to Percy and allegedly they threw a party after we were fired, to celebrate us getting fired…but we're people too.

–181 & St Nicholas

Overheard by: must not have liked you

Hipster girl: My all-time dream is to be shot by the cobra snake at a party, with a cig in my hand and Paul* between my thighs.

–NYU Dorm

Overheard by: Dayn

Tattooed guy on iPhone: Yeah, I'm bringing a 250-foot Slip 'N Slide!

–7th & 13th St

Overheard by: can I come to that party?

Loud man on cell: Yo, son! Why didn't you invite to your party? Damn…c'mon! Remember that time the chick in a wheelchair was working us in the cab? Yeah, she was in a wheelchair! Remember we got a cab for her and put her in the cab? That's right–that was me! She was giving us both head.

–BBQ Restroom, 8th Ave, Chelsea

20-something woman: Wait…when is it a rule to give the host a handjob?

–Museum of Natural History

Overheard by: Jazz

TiVo: Oh Fuck, Not This Again

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we are being delayed because of an injured passenger.
Heavy-set African American lady: Is you serious? I'm a miss Flavor of Love!
(few minutes later)
Conductor
: Ladies and gentlemen, we are being delayed because of an injured customer on the tracks.

Heavy-set African American lady: They better pick him up and get him off them tracks or I'm a miss Flavor of Love!
(few minutes later)
Conductor
: Ladies and gentlemen, our train has collided with a customer on the tracks. We are waiting for the police to investigate. Please be patient.

Heavy-set African American lady: Good thing I got that TiVo…

–Uptown 6 Train

Overheard by: Noel Coward