Archive for the ‘Gifts’ Category

There's a Wednesday One-Liner in My Hair! Get It Out! Get It Out!

Guy: I don't think bees even have vaginas. –23rd & 3rd Suit to another: I want him scrutinized. At a gnat's ass level! –Midtown Office Middle school thug: I been radioactivatin' spiders in my kitchen. –C Train Overheard by: Emily B. Mother to five-year-old boy: No, you can't buy grandma a plastic spider for Christmas! –74th St & Broadway Overheard by: Harriet Vane's Husband Guy on cell: Hey, did I tell you I got drunk last night and ordered 1,500 ladybugs off the internet? –Brooklyn Overheard by: Ashley

Another Year Older and None the Wednesday One-Liner

Guy on cell: Happy birthday! (pause) Okay, call me when you're drunk! –45th St Girl on cell: Then when I volunteered to give her to him on his birthday. –Court St, Brooklyn Overheard by: Vincent L. Crazy guy: I'm turning 65 tomorrow… Stayin' away from hoes… –St. Mark's & 2nd Ave Overheard by: Bruce Lee Guy to friend: I am boycotting your birthday if I can see your butt cheeks in your outfit. –23rd & 3rd

Wednesday One-Liners: Great for Bachelor Parties!

16-year-old girl on cell: So like, for Halloween my mom told me about this strip club we could go to… –110th & Central Park West Overheard by: sophie Balis-Harris Drunk stumbling Yankee meathead to fellow meatheads: Yo! Let's get some fucking strippers! I don't give a fuck about my girlfriend! (pauses and looks around) If I drop any more beer on this woman… (spills half his cup on her back) Ah, fuck. –Yankee Stadium Overheard by: seat 12 section 23 20-something woman on cell: What, you had sex with that stripper?! –Union Square Overheard by: Liz Drunk suit: Yeah…we did it up fo' my son's 18th birfday. He be graduatin and all this year, so we sprung fo' a stripper. –Q67 Bus Overheard by: Kate Teen screaming into cell: Stripper. (pause) No, stripper! –Little Italy

Wednesday One-Liners Hope They Get a Pony This Year

Concert-goer to friend: … And then she told me, ‘I had a shitty birthday, but what do you expect? I’m dating a pirate!’ And I said, ‘He’s not a pirate, he’s a douchebag! You’re dating a douchebag!’ –Beacon Theatre, 75th & Broadway Woman to friend: I don’t know what to get him for his birthday. Do you know what he gave me for my birthday? An ulcer. –A train, between 59th & 42nd Chick: He gave me a laptop for my birthday… And we haven’t even had sex yet! –Sol y Sombra Yuppie on cell: I think because of the mental state I was in that really doesn’t count as cheating. Plus, it was my birthday, so technically it never happened, therefore I didn’t fuck up or do anything wrong, therefore nothing ever happened to begin with, therefore you have no reason to complain, therefore you are still my girlfriend. –14th St & E 1st Ave Overheard by: Adrienne

Mission Accomplished

Guy #1: Yesterday I made some Valentines for my coworkers, and I made up little poems to go in them, to make them extra personal.
Guy #2: Like what?
Guy #1: “Roses are red, violets are blue, your cat chewed on my dick for a little bit, but I didn't know how to tell you.”
Guy #2: Did you get any Valentines back?
Guy #1: No. –6 Train Overheard by: Emily Kidd