Archive for the ‘God Squad’ Category

Hell Hath No Fury Like Wednesday One-Liners

Crazy church lady into microphone: There are no drugs, sex, or rock n’ roll in hell. Repent and have your fill in heaven.

–42nd & 6th Subway Station

Overheard by: Tony

Train "preacher" holding his bible: Adam was the first black man! And Eve was the first white woman! And Adam sinned and got them kicked out of the Garden of Eden. Then they had a whole lot of brown babies! But they set the stage for black men and white women. That’s why you have Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton running for President today! It’s in the bible!

–2 Train

Preacher: We’ve got a lot of tourists here today and we know why you came -you want to see a black gospel church. And that’s okay, that’s okay! That’s what we are. And you know, some of our members, they do it tough. Why, they come from such rough neighbourhoods as Connecticut and upstate New York …

–Abyssinian Baptist Church, Harlem

Bible thumper: You need a ticket to get on the heaven-bound train! And the ticket is Jesus Christ.

–3 Train

Street preacher: … And what is good for the goose is good for the gander! And what is a gander, anyway?

–St Mark’s Place

Overheard by: EthanK

Everybody’s Saved. Now Could Somebody Buy Me Breakfast?

Uptight middle-aged evangelist woman: You are all sinners. Jesus Christ is coming and you are all going to be condemned to hell.
Toothless eighty-year-old hobo: I’m Jesus.
Uptight middle-aged evangelist woman: Jesus is coming and you all will be dining with Satan.
Toothless eighty-year-old hobo: I’m already here. I’m Jesus.
Uptight middle-aged evangelist woman: No you aren’t.
Toothless eighty-year-old hobo: I’m telling you, I’m Jesus. How do you know I’m not Jesus?
NYU hipster: My lord! You have returned!

–6 Train

Wednesday One-Liners Are History, Dude

Guy holding baby: I’ve decided I’m going to write a pop-up history of the ancient world, based on Herodotus. Should be great for babies.

–Strand Bookstore

American history tutor: The only dictator I know of is Hugo Chavez, and that’s because I met him.

–Jake’s Saloon, 57th & 10th

Overheard by: poor kid’s gonna fail that test

Rich mom with two kids: … And it was named after our country’s first president, Christopher Columbus.

–117th & Broadway

Overheard by: doesn’t get columbus day off

Guy to friend: If I can make it through the ’80s, I can make it through anything.

–Astor Pl

Overheard by: squishduck

Professor: Sigismondo Malatesta was the only person in history to ever be publicly consigned to Hell by the pope. Now, that’s when a pope was a pope. I wish the pope would just get on TV and say, ‘You’re going to Hell!’

–Fordham University – Rose Hill

Overheard by: Christina

Guy: Wait, have I ever told you guys about my irrational fear of the late 1800s?

–NYU dorm

Overheard by: Danimal

Wednesday One-Liners Are Too Cool for Shul

Hipster guy: I mean, she’s a Jewish. She’s not, like, a bad person, I think.

–44th & 9th

Overheard by: …right.

Dude: He’s that kind of super-serious Jew that doesn’t touch women. I think they call it ‘Hava Nagila.’

–Rockefeller Center

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Middle school girl trying to catch snowflakes in her mouth: These snowflakes are so antisemitic! They won’t go in my mouth!

–110th & Amsterdam

Blonde on cell: I just don’t see us working out. All my friends hate you, my mom hates you, and even my dog hates you… My mom hates you because you’re not Jewish… Yes, I’m aware I’m Catholic… Because Jews are financially secure!

–Starbucks, Upper West Side

Frustrated Jewish guy: I mean, look at these people and their Red Sox yarmulkes! What is this world coming to?!

–Judaism Debate, Cooper Union

Shiksa seeing menorah-shaped chocolates: Oooh, combs!

–Party, W 72nd & Broadway

What Would Anti-Semites Do without Wednesday One-Liners?

Modern orthodox girl: … And I was like, ‘Why should I be considerate? He doesn’t even keep kosher!’

–Barnard College

Overheard by: Considerate of non-shellfish eaters and shellfish eaters alike

Guy on cell: Well, I’m only Jewish by injection…

–82nd & Madison

Overheard by: I’m only Catholic because I took a pill…

Woman: I think I’m just too Jewish for yoga.

–Park Slope

20-ish girl on cell: I mean, Jesus Christ! The Jews in the RV just won’t leave me alone!

–St. Mark’s & Ave B

Overheard by: Also accosted by the mitzvah tank

Man on cell: How did I pull off that deal? I’m a Jew, and that means I have powers over money that a dumb goyim like you can only dream of. It’s like Jewish superhero powers. Just call me ‘Super Jew.’

–Near Madison Square Garden

Overheard by: Lesbian Whisperer

Little boy: Uhhh, half New Yorkish and, uhhh, half Jewish — is that what I am, Mom? Half New Yorkish and half Jewish?

–Rockefeller Center

Overheard by: Rosie

The Parable of Wednesday and the One-Liners

Voice on PA system: Attention — if you want to preach, we ask that you please move around the boat. Again, don’t stand in one place; please continue moving around the boat if you want to preach.

–Staten Island Ferry

Overheard by: Kate

Crazy guy: Ladies and gentlemen, the Bible says that the fire will come in the form of locusts. Ladies and gentlemen, the Apache helicopter created by the U.S. Army is in the shape of locusts. If you don’t believe me, look it up. Please believe me, ladies and gentlemen…

–2 train

Overheard by: beeloo

God Squad guy: Let Jesus be your lawyer! OJ Simpson, Michael Jackson — what did they have? Good lawyers! On Judgment Day, you’re going to need a lawyer! Let Jesus represent you!

–Roosevelt Ave station

Overheard by: How come Jesus didn’t represent himself at the Crucifiction?

Black Jewish preacher: Bad boy, bad boy — whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when Jesus come for you?

–21st St

Man: Everything you see belongs to the Lord. He is willing to save your soul. [Cell phone rings, and he answers] Hi, honey… I’m in the Bronx, preaching… I told you last night, remember? I said, ‘God is telling me to preach in the Bronx.’ Yes, I did tell you! [Hisses] You never fucking listen!

–6 train