Archive for the ‘God’ Category

Wednesday One-Liners Still Miss the Crocodile Hunter

Girl on iPhone: It's not like he's gone and, y'know, rescuing cheetahs… –Astoria Lone hobo: Thanks, god… for goats, people and buses. –Manhattan Bridge Woman on phone: Hi, honey. Did you find the frogs with the red eyes? (pause) Oh, do you think your mom will like the quail? (pause) It's 30% off, right? –Lincoln Center Subway drummer: This next one is called "moose call." it goes, "yo, moose!" (pause) Hey, I didn't write it, I just made it popular. –Shuttle to Times Square Overheard by: Media addict French man: It's like doing a horse. Kick him in the ass and he will kick you right back. –Long Island City Overheard by: Sunny

The One-Liners on the Wednesday Go Round and Round, Round and Round…

Bus driver: This bus is at capacity, so do me a favor: Move I-N, not O-U-T, and that's what she said. –M14D Bus Overheard by: The Average Commuter Bus driver: Next stop is Malcolm X… No, it's not. What's his cousin's name? Oh yeah. Next stop is Frederick Douglas Boulevard. –M60 Bus Overheard by: polaco Bus driver: When exiting the bus please take all of your trash with you. If you leave it on the bus you are a horrible person. –34th St Bus Bus driver, singing at every stop: Fifty niiiinnnth and Central Park Souuuuuthhhh. Ladies and gentlemeeeeennnn, have a wonderful daaaaayyyyyy! –M4 Bus Female bus driver: Everyone, squeeze in, I won't move this bus until ya'll are behind the line. Move back! Move! Squeeze! Remember to say "excuse me"! Move back! I will pull this bus over, ladies and gentlemen, move behind the line! (everyone shuffles a few inches back) It's a miracle! Thank you, Lord! –BX12 Bus Overheard by: Erica S

And Wednesday Said, “Let There Be One-Liners.”

Guy on cell: Suppose there is no god. (pause) Hello? Can you hear me? Suppose there is no god. (pause) Hello? Hello? Can you hear me? –Bus Overheard by: Is God trying to tell you something? Intense man, grasping woman's shoulders: God wanted me to, and I was ready to. –Near Riverside Church, Morningside Heights Overheard by: I wish I knew more Guy, in awed tones, hearing "Le nozze di Figaro" through open window: It's like the voice of God… –The Bronx Overheard by: ground floor music lover Crazy man: There is only one God. There is only one real deal. I can't afford sex anymore. –Outside Penn Station Overheard by: That took a turn

Get a Little Cardio Without Your Ears Bleeding

Loud evangelist, shouting in packed subway car: And so I discovered that Jesus Christ is the only messiah! I found the Lord! I found the truth and the light!
Trapped passenger #1: Could you turn it down a little?
Loud evangelist, shouting in packed subway car: I was a sinner! I spent thirty-five years running from the word of the Lord!
Trapped passenger #2: At least you could run… –A Train Overheard by: peeper

Wednesday One-Liners Enjoy Team Sports

20-something guy on BlackBerry: No, he's not gay. I was in a fivesome with him, but he's not gay. –L Train Girl to gay friend after walking into gay bar: Dude, either find me a straight boy or two Asians that will let me watch. –NYC Girl to guy friends: I mean, he's okay he had the threesome–the guy was his best friend! –8th St & 5th Ave Angry woman on phone: While you're out having orgies I am doing the real work! –Victorian Flatbush Pretentious professor type in academic tone: My ex had unrealistic fantasies. She used to dream about being fucked by God and Satan and the same time. How could I live up to that? –NYU

A Wednesday One-Liner to Remember

Midwestern mother to ticket vendor: Thank goodness for the bus, we've been in the hotel for four days because we can't walk anymore! –50th St & 7th Ave Overheard by: Kate Ditz, singing and marching: It's a sidewalk, so I have to walk on it! –St. Mark's & 2nd Ave Overheard by: Hannah Sarcastic, portly girl: Great, my two favorite things: walking and learning. –Governor's Island Ferry Crazy man in the middle of the street blocking traffic: Car are outlawed! Walk everywhere! I walked to China last week! I walked to Paris yesterday! –18th & 3rd Overheard by: Maria Tough guy to another: I'm a little afraid to walk around with you 'cause it seems everyone you work with dies. –PJ Clarke's

Wednesday, with Some Scattered One-Liners in the Early Evening

Hobo: Everyone, please believe me, I had nothing, I tell you–nothing, to do with this rain! –6 Train Overheard by: thanks for that clearing that up Black guy sitting on stoop to white guy standing the rain: I can't offer you a warm vagina but I can offer you a dry haven. –1st Ave & 7th St Overheard by: D Dot Hobo to sky, as it begins to rain: You gotta do better than drizzling if you want to flood the Earth! We got murders and rapists down here! There are pedophiles and traffickers and thieves and liars and idolaters! I'm ready: I got the life goggles you sent me! (holds up scuba mask) Thank you for making me in your image, Lord. Amen. –24th St b/w Broadway & 6th Ave Overheard by: EmLo Man, as it begins to rain: Goddamn rain, man! Only in New York! –Park Place & Broadway Overheard by: Bo Vanderpants Woman on cell: Yeah, the weather is beautiful this morning. I'm strolling like a motherfucker. –Lexington & 90th St