Archive for the ‘God’ Category

Wednesday One-Liners Are Going Through a Stage

Theater geek: So I was looking at auditions for this post-apocalyptic drama, and the ad said, "we're looking for men, all shapes and sizes. Actually no, you have to be ridiculously skinny, totally emaciated, on the verge of death. And… oh yeah, you have to have stringy hair. And be really bony. And my dad said, "you definitely need to try out for this!" –TKTS Booth, Times Square Overheard by: Not Emaciated Guy: No, I didn't do the graphics–I mean, the play's about Adam and Eve, but do they put naked people on the postcard to sell tickets? No, they have a cartoon of an apple. I don't understand. –Minetta Lane Theater Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster Bathroom attendant at West Side Story: C'mon, people! Short line, long intermission! (toilet flushes) Hear that? That's music to somebody's bladder! –Palace Theatre Overheard by: Maggie Audience member, at interval of Aida: Hey, this is better than Grease! –Metropolitan Opera Disgruntled usher: I swear by every god of Jupiter that these are your seats. –The Ambassador Theatre, 49th & Broadway Overheard by: The Moons of Jupiter Were Already Spoken For

Wednesdays Would Sell Their Souls for Some One-Liners

Theology professor, after struggling with projection screen: This is Satan doing this to me. –Lincoln Center, Fordham University Crazy man with bullhorn: Hanukkah is for God, Christmas is for Satan! –Fordham Plaza Conductor: This is an uptown a train making all local stops. Yes, you heard right, all local stops. The e train is out of service today, as it is on a vacation to hell. Stand clear of the closing doors, please! –A Train Overheard by: Kirstie Girl yelling to two friends across train: Jay-Z is like a devil worshipper. No, seriously, he's like a Freemason or whatever. They all are: him, Madonna, Britney… –J Train Seven-year-old tourist to mother: Are we going somewhere safe where the devil won't get me? –34th & 28th

Wednesday One-Liners Prefer “Gentleman Companion”

Teenage girl to friend: Boyfriends are so overrated, except not really because I really want one. –Lincoln Center Guy: I don't care if her new boyfriend is god–I will kick his ass! –Church St Overheard by: Steve Guy to friend: Yeah, she's in Jamaica. How fucked up is that? She's 20 and in Jamaica with her boyfriend. I'm 25 and I'm standing on a train next to you. –Metro-North Art student: I wanna write a diary, like, "8:45, kill boyfriend." –NYU Man on street selling knockoff perfume: C'mon ladies, buy this perfume. It will help you get a boyfriend! Don't get a cheap boyfriend, get some cheap perfume! –34th & 7th Overheard by: Kiran Girl to friend: From now on, I am only having sex with one boyfriend. –Marlow & Sons

That's What You Said When I Asked Who Your Art Teacher Was!

Three-year-old boy: Mommy, I want a little brother, let's get one.
Mom: You can't just go to the store to get a baby.
Seven-year-old girl: I know where babies come from.
Mom: Oh, man!
Three-year-old boy: From where?
Seven-year-old girl: God. God made everything, people and animals.
Three-year-old boy: Who's god?
Seven-year-old girl: I don't know, some dead guy who lives in heaven. –Riverbank State Park Overheard by: Darin

Kentucky Fried Wednesday One-Liners

Man to little boy: I can't believe you've never played tic-tac-toe with a chicken in Chinatown. –52nd & Lexington Overheard by: Ed Hipster guy: I don't know though, I can't Indian give those chickens, can I? –Prospect Park Overheard by: BKLover Older black man to himself, entering train with moving box: I got a live chicken in this box! I don't know why god gave me a chicken. He knows I don't know what to do with one. (a few minutes later) I'm gonna sell her to the butcher shop and they're going to cut that motherfucker up! –Uptown A Train Overheard by: Mawy Serious man, seeing dog carrying shopping bad in teeth: I am going to train a dog like that. I will train it to bring me chicken. –73rd St & Broadway Overheard by: EthanK Large black dude to large black friend: Yo, man, I am so tired of chicken! I mean, yeah, I know, I'm black…but man, I ain't eating no chicken at that party man. Don't even bring no chicken by me, cause I ain't eating none. Matter of fact, I ain't eating no chicken for Black History Month. I'ma start the movement! No chicken for Black History Month! –Downtown 2 Train Overheard by: Kosi

The Lord Giveth, and the Lord Taketh Away

Tacky girl #1: Why do I feel like every time I gain a friend, I lose a friend?
Tacky girl #2: (silence)
Tacky girl #1: It's like AIM buddy lists, like when you max, you know? You have to delete a friend to add a new one, you know? My friendships are all like that, you know?
Tacky girl #2: I don't think it works like that.
Tacky girl #1: Yeah, you're right.
(pause)
Tacky girl #2: Well, if it was like that, who would decide?
Tacky girl #1: Umm…god?
Tacky girl #2: Well, maybe whoever's deciding is telling you to look at the friends you do have, and, like, see if they're worth it.
Tacky girl #1: Ohmigod! You are so good. How did you get so good? –Metro-North