Archive for the ‘Gripes’ Category

If New Yorkers Ran Disney, We’d Have Classic Films Like Beauty and the Bestiality

White girl: … And then he took my camera and held it for me during the rest of the ceremony. He’s so sweet…
Indian friend: Okay, seriously? That’s not romantic, that’s pockets!
White girl: I guess he–
Indian friend, interrupting: –We’re so messed up. We think it’s romantic when people give up their seats for us on the subway. I mean, anything Disney did to give us unrealistic expectations New York kicked right out of us.

–F train

Why the MTA Has Principals’ Offices

Man #1: Hey, hey! Who do you think you are?
Woman #1: Excuse me?
Man #1: You! Get that bag off the seat!
Woman #2: Leave her alone.
Man #1: Shut up! She has her fucking bag on the seat! Nobody’s better than anyone else. We’re all people. She shouldn’t take up two fucking seats!
Man #2: Nobody wants to sit next to you, so you’re taking up two seats, too.

–A train

What He Gets for Being Fresh

Bread vendor: Hey! Lady! Don’t touch the bread!
Old lady, squeezing bread: How am I gonna know if it’s fresh?
Bread vendor: I’ll give you fresh!
Old lady, hitting vendor with large purse in time to her speech: You. Know. What?! You’re. A. Dog! Nothing but a two-bit, Lower East Side dog! That’s what you are!
Bread vendor: Ahhh! [Old lady leaves.]

–Soho

Overheard by: Bulent Akman

Wednesday One-Liners Are Asstastic

Chubby girl on cell: Hello?! I’m getting a tattoo! What I need to know is: right butt cheek or left butt cheek?

–Elevator, Sulzberger Hall, Barnard College

Lady in cubicle on phone about daughter: She went from looking like a boy to J-Lo in three months, so she’s very busy shaking her booty — it’s raw, exposed estrogen.

–Wall Street

Man, to group of other men as thin passerby ignores them: Damn! Don’t she know it’s illegal for a black chick to have no ass?!

–2nd Ave & 3rd St

Overheard by: Ohiowatha

Attractive teen: My ex-boyfriend used to tell me that I couldn’t talk about anything that had to do with my ass. He was, like, anal about it and would say all the time, ‘Don’t you talk about your ass, it’s going to completely turn me off — I don’t want to hear about it.’

–2 train

Overheard by: Talia

Man on cell: I remember — we just got my rear end replaced.

–University

Overheard by: Asinine

Chick on cell: Eeyore’s butt — where is it?!

–Harlem

Overheard by: Ladle

Man on cell: And she said, ‘You’re pretty cute for a garbage man,’ and then she grabbed my ass.

–Hell’s Kitchen

Overheard by: Kat