Archive for the ‘Gripes’ Category

And Willing to Share Her Meth

Guy: So, Rob slept with that trailer trash chick last night.
Girl: Holy shit! Which one?
Guy: The meth-head-looking one. You don’t think she looks like total trailer trash?
Girl: Oh my god, she had trailer trash oozing out of her fucking pores!
Guy: So why were you talking to her half the night?
Girl: Whatever. She was really nice.

–Terrace table, Blue Water Grill, Union Square

Overheard by: ebizzle

Why Is This Girl Riding the Subway?

JAP: Oh my god, I can’t wait to move into the city. I can’t take my house anymore, my parents are always up my ass. Gabby, what time will you be home? Gabby, don’t forget to tell Rosa to pick up your dry cleaning! Gabby, we’re paying your tuition, you can’t treat this house like a hotel! It’s so annoying! I just wanna be on my own, I can take care of myself, I don’t need them constantly doing stuff for me!
Friend: Yeah… So where were you thinking of moving?
JAP: I dunno, my dad said he might let me move into his apartment on 89th. Either that, or a partner at his firm is selling a co-op that he might buy for me. He said I can choose.

–Uptown W train

Was That Hobo Urine on the Ground? Now I’m Ecstatic

Drunk queers: Jingle bells! Jingle bells! Jingle all the waaay!
Jaded teen, to no one: I’m in hell. This is my hell.
Drunk queers: Oh, what fun it is to ride in a no-horse big subwaaay!
Black queer: Come on! Everybody! Jingle bells! Jingle bells! [Train comes to abrupt stop and all carolers fall over.]
Jaded teen: Was that karma? I think that’s karma. Now I’m happy again.

–1 train

Overheard by: Vicksburg

Wednesday One-Liners Smell Bacon

Cop on megaphone: Hand over your license and your registration. Now everyone in the Heights knows what I am waiting for.

–138th St & Amsterdam Ave.

Overheard by: tony l.

Hobo: I’m just black. I’m not a criminal.

–Outside MSG

Overheard by: Barry P.

Female cop, screaming out the window of her police car: Stop yelling on the street!

–Greenwich Ave & W 13th St

Overheard by: Pierce

White teen boy: You see, you can only mess with white people and Asian people because the worst thing they’ll do is call the cops. Anybody else–no one will ever hear from you again.

–1 train, southbound

Overheard by: Stephanie Shestakow

Hobo: Stand clear of the closing doors. You cannot block the doors. Keep your belongings with you at all times. If you see a suspicious package or activity, tell a police officer or MTA employee or me. My wife died and I want you to know that I’m single. I may not have any money, but I got plenty of honey. I want all the ladies to know that I’m single. Not the men, though. I’m not gay. I’m a lesbian. I like women.

–Downtown 5 train

Cop car, driving in bike lane, on loudspeaker: Move right. Move right! Your other right, idiot!

–8th Ave & 28th St

Overheard by: Rich Mintz

Thug: I hate white people. They’re always talking to the cops.

–1st Ave & 89thSt

Wednesday One Liners Lie about Their Size

Loud guy: I can turn my dick into a Whopper with fries!

–MacDougal Ale House

Overheard by: Ladle

Small Indian boy: Penis! Penis! [His mother scolds him in Hindi.] … Penis!

–47th & 5th

10-year-old boy to friends: … And then he drew, like, three penises! And then I had to get home in, like, three and a half seconds!

–11th & 3rd

Overheard by: Hannah

Suit to another: Jesus Christ! It’s not my fault your penis drips!

–Times Square

Overheard by: Sydney

Dude to friend: Let’s think of words that rhyme with ‘dick.’

–49th & 7th

Pre-med chick: We had this cadaver in lab that we called ‘Schlongo’ because his penis was a foot long. No, seriously, it was really a foot long!

–Bodies Exhibit

Overheard by: a.j.w.