Teen #1: What's a scallion pancake? Do you put syrup on it?
Teen #2: I don't know.
Teen #1: I thought scallions were a seafood.
Teen #2: No. That's “scallops.”
–Chinese Takeout, Queens
Overheard by: illyria
Archive for the ‘Grocery Stores’ Category
Wednesday One-Liners Are Simply Scrotacular
Tourist mom with mullet, trying to take a picture of cute five-year old boy: Stand by the testicles, honey. Stand by the balls!
–Wall Street Bull
Overheard by: oh tourists
Suit to street vendor: You spend the money and get blue balls…
–Astor Place
Overheard by: Colin
Guy on cell: Fucking shit! What the fuck? This fucking shit is fucking messed up! (pause) Whatever, mommy… just get me a large, it'll give me more room for my balls.
–97th St & Madison Ave
Big guy in chair on sidewalk to friend: So, I ate a pair of balls last night. Lamb balls. Hot and spicy.
–Heath St & 231st St
Overheard by: Km
Ghetto man to Dunkin' Donuts cashier: Yo, how much is da balls?
–W 148th & Broadway
Ten Bucks Says This Is Their Foreplay
Girl: Shopping with you is like shopping with an old man.
Guy: Shopping with you is like shopping with a bitch.
–Modern Foods, The Bronx
…Clearly You Have No Grasp Of Bikini Wrestling Bylaws, Sir.
Guy holding baking mix: Excuse me, where's the vegetable oil?
Employee: We don't have vegetable oil, but I think canola oil should work fine with that.
Guy, sarcastically: Oh, you think canola oil would work?
–Trader Joe's, 14th St
Ironically, This Turned Into a Domestic Dispute.
Woman: Well, I'm concerned about foreign policy.
Man: Of course, you can make anything into a foreign policy issue. The environment… foreign policy… What does that even mean?
–Sweet Melissa, Brooklyn
Similes Gone Wild
Girl, trying to move through crowd: I always think of trying to get through crowds like being blood in a vein with clots in it.
Guy: Yeah. We need to get some Coumadin up in this joint!
–Farmers Market, Union Square
Overheard by: threadseven
I'm Barred From Her Dungeon for Life
Slutty lesbian chick buying ice cream: So then she says “Scream! I'm going to keep spanking you until you scream!”
Slightly less slutty chick: So what did you do?
Slutty lesbian chick: Well, I wanted it to be hot, but when it came out it wasn't so much an “I'm getting spanked, and it's hot” scream as it was an “I'm shitty and it hurts” grunt.
–Grocery Store, The Bronx
Wednesdays Floss After Every One-Liner
Asian girl on cell: Yeah… or I could just knock her teeth out and sell them on eBay or something.
–Chelsea Market
Overheard by: Alyssa
Girl on cell: And out of nowhere dude a goddamn peacock feather hit me in the teeth!
–Starbucks, 8th & 39th
Old man: I can smell my own tooth decay!
–Times Square
Overheard by: One Liners Are The Best
Lady on cell: I don't know what to do. I'm like nervous… I know… I haven't bought toothpaste in years…
–Duane Reade
Guy on phone: The difference between you and me is you drink tea and eat tofu. I drink whiskey and make people eat their teeth.
–48th & 5th Ave
Overheard by: Rebecca
Wasn't That a Cherry Poppin' Daddies Song?
Bodega guy to old Dominican guy: What's up, sister?
Old Dominican guy: I got your sister swinging!
–Throop & Vernon
Overheard by: johnny
The Wednesday One-Liner Diet Doesn't Work
Little girl to sister: It has 140 calories in it, that could like… kill you.
–Food Emporium, 68th & Broadway
Blonde girl on phone: Yeah, I need to lose like 30 pounds but the problem is that I got my body used to food.
–224th St & Jamaica Avenue
Teen girl, after being caught with empty beer cans: No! Trust me, it wasn't me. I don't drink beer, it has way too many calories!
–Park Slope
40-something mom to chubby daughter with YMCA gymnastics shirt: Don't eat here, go to CVS! Get some mints… you'll be fine.
–Wendy's At Metropolitan Ave. and Woodhaven Blvd, Queens
Overheard by: D. Scibe
Very old, overweight mother to old less overweight daughter: I need to lose 20 pounds, but you, you need to lose 40 pounds. When you're as skinny as her (points at woman working at register), then I'll buy you carrot cake!
–168th & Broadway
Overheard by: Alison R.
Women in Morbidly obesity couple walking hand in hand. The woman says "harry, I hate it when we're on separate starvation schedules."
–7th St & First Ave