Archive for the ‘Guys’ Category

I’m So Fast, They Call Me the Chrysler Building

Two male twins, dressed alike, in their 20s, address two female twins, dressed alike, in their 20s. Male twins: Hey! Are you twins?! You twins?! That’s great! We’re twins too! Hey, we’re twins too!
Female twins: Mmmhmm.
Male twins: You ain’t twins! You lesbians! She look like she wanna get it on with you! You ain’t twins! Hey, I’m just tryin’ ‘a help ya out! You ain’t twins.
Female twins: [silence]
Male twins: I’m just tryin’ a help you out! I have your best interest in mind! You ain’t twins! Look! That one’s that one’s mother!
Female twins: We’re twins. We are the same age.
Male twins: Then how come that one so much older than the other? You ain’t twins! We twins! That’s why we so tall! We the twin towers! Female twins flee train. –F train

And You’re Thinking of the Amish

Guy #1, about wireless: So, yours isn’t secure?
Guy #2: Nah, I just leave it open because I know no one is trying to use it.
Guy #1: How do you know that?
Guy #2: Are you kidding me? I’ve got nothing but Hasidic Jews living 360 degrees around me.
Guy #1: So…
Guy #2: They don’t use computers!
Guy #1: You’re an asshole.

–B train

Overheard by: Can you say antisemitism?

Wednesday One-Liners Have More Stomachs Than a Cow

Teen boy: I like touching fat people.

–69th St & 5th Ave, Bay Ridge

Overheard by: Jon A.

Guy to friends: So I was on the subway the other day and I was counting some guys’ chins and I realized, I’m just not a nice person.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: CUMT

Large black woman on cell: Of course I’m loud, I’m fat!

–25th & 8th

Overheard by: Beckerman

Chick to guy: I’m thinking of keeping it, as an excuse to get fat.

–Times Square

Overheard by: Ladle

30-something with heavy NYC accent: Ya know, if I had to do high school all over again, I woulda fucked a fat chick. I wouldna cared so much.

–34th & 5th

Man yelling on cell: I would be so much better at Jeopardy then her! Her fat Indian hands can’t hit the button as fast as I can!

–35rd St & 5th Ave

Female house manager: He comes over and he’s like: "What are you doing?" and I said: "My job." and he goes: "You’re fat."

–Theater, St Mark’s Place

Overheard by: Mariah

Yep, That’s Everyone

Angry Guy: Fuck New England. Fuck people from Boston. Fuck Pats’ fans, fuck Red Sox fans, fuck Ben Affleck, fuck Denis Leary, fuck Harvard, fuck MIT, fuck Aerosmith, fuck the Pixies, fuck David Foster Wallace, fuck Boston Cream pie and clam chowder and Sam Adams, fuck Dr. Spock, fuck pahking your cah in Hahvahd Yahd, fuck Sacco and Vanzetti, fuck Paul Revere, fuck ‘em all. –Borough Park

There's Always a High Fence Between Generations

20-something guy: That new Arizona law is messed-up, man. They are gonna have to…
60-something guy, interrupting: The law is right, they gotta get those Mexicans before they kill us.
20-something guy: What!?
60-something guy: I don't know what Obama is waiting for. They need to make Mexico a state.
20-something guy: Do you even know what your saying?
60-something guy: You're still young. I speak the truth.

–73rd St & Broadway

Wednesday One-Liners Have a Mangina Attack

Man in elevator on cell: Yeah. That's what I'm paying for, right? Next time just make sure it's a male to female.

–Elevator, Chelsea

Staten Island man to son: Okay, you have to be careful here. And don't touch any of the pretty ladies: the prettier they are, the more likely it's a man.

–1st & Houston

Middle aged woman to friend: Every morning I wake up and think I look more and more like Mrs Doubtfire.

–Union Square

Overheard by: mk

Guy in pink spandex to Victorian Gardens employee: Excuse me, where do the trannies hang out?

–Central Park

Preppy chick to friends: Did I ever tell you guys about the tranny I slept with?

–19th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Well-Dressed Indian Boy

Mom, in motherly voice, to crying four-year-old: Aww, what's the matter, did the little transvestite scare you?

–2nd & 72nd

Overheard by: Nancy