Archive for the ‘Hand-Jobs’ Category

Wednesday's More Fun Than a Barrel Of One-Liners

20-something hipster to another, admiring long-legged blonde: How can you say you believe in evolution?! There is no way that that evolved from a monkey!

–1st Ave & 14th

Overheard by: Evolutionary

Little boy to brother: If I were a monkey, I'd take a crap on you.

–6 Train

Overheard by: Rebecca

Man on cell: Then Tim-Jim jerked him off with his feet. Only a monkey can do that!

–Bedford & Metropolitan

Overheard by: theeatenpath

Middle aged man pushing daughter's stroller: I can't believe she got Curious George's autograph!

–16th St & 5th Ave

Overheard by: Maquaid

But It's the New Trend in Long-Distance Relationships!

Angry young man: She fucking broke up with me over a handjob!
Impassive friend: Well, how did that happen?
Angry young man: I was about to cum, and she was there, right there!, you know? Between my legs! So I told her I was going to, and she just fuckin' stared at me. I was like, “Baby, this is coming.” Seriously. It does happen. “Lift your shirt up or something,” I said to her. You know? And she just, fuckin', on her knees, shuffles backwards and to her left–a good three yards away- still whacking me off. So, I'm like, “Baby, what the fuck? You can't give a handjob from across the room.” You know, dude? That's like one of those fucking old people extending claw arm shits jerking you off from the corner when you're sitting in the center of your room! Fuck, dude!
Impassive friend, laughing: Yo, I'd blue-ball you, too, if you called me a fucking robot while I was getting you off!

–Forest Hills

Overheard by: FrankALank

I Still Don't Get Why You Were Pantsless, Though

Asian chick: Really!? Seriously!? That's so rude! I've never had anything like that happen to me before!
Blonde friend: Yeah, I know! What an asshole!
Asian chick: Wait, are you sure? He just fingered you with all those people in the restaurant watching?
(friends laugh)
Asian chick
: Wait…what? I don't get it. That's what people say, right? He fingered you. He put his middle finger up.

Brunette friend, still laughing: No, no! He gave her the finger. He did not finger her.
Asian chick: Oh! Wow! I'm so glad I made that mistake now. I would have told everyone that she got fingered tonight.

–8th Ave, Chelsea

Overheard by: Wondering how anyone makes that mistake…

The Make-a-Wednesday-One-Liner Foundation

Lady on phone: Well, I wish I could get the fat removed from my back but we can't all get what we want, can we?

–Target

10-year-old child with mother and younger siblings: I wish I could get a diaper…

–K-Mart, Astor Place

Random smoking kid: I really wish I could smoke out of my ass.

–Lincoln Center

Girl crossing the street: I really wish something would hit me…I need some money.

–Times Square

Overheard by: 3 day tourist

Girl, after receiving gift: This is…this is so great! I'm so happy! Oh, man! I…I wish you had a little penis so I could give it a rub right now!

–Barnes & Noble, Park Slope