Chick #1: Wow, you’re really good at that!
Chick #2: Eh, I think the trick is to start young.
Chick #3, looking worried: Handjobs?
Chick #2: Uh… No. Using chopsticks.
–New Big Wong Restaurant
Archive for the ‘Hand-Jobs’ Category
Then I’d Retreat to the Shower and Scrub Myself with Brillo
Girlfriend: What would you do if I just suddenly grew a penis?
Boyfriend: Well, first I’d scream. Then, I’d probably jack you off.
–7 train station, Main St
I Sense an Infomercial
Older gay #1: Do you jerk off a lot?
Older gay #2: Yeah…
Older gay #1: Do you ever jerk off alone?
–Chelsea Piers, near the public restrooms
Wednesday One-Liners Go Down
Suit: I’d leave my wife for her if her clit didn’t taste like a spicy tuna roll. –Chambers & Broadway Girl on cell: I don’t care how many fingers you put in her. Bottom line is, she didn’t blow you. So I win. –Times Square Overheard by: shap Utilitarian guy: A blow job is better than no job. –Sex Work Conference, The New School Overheard by: wendy Girl: $50 for a 2-minute bj? I’d do it. It takes me 8 hours to make $50. Shit. –Queens bound F train Overheard by: Marisa Dude: So, did she orgasm in your mouth? –219 2nd Ave Overheard by: Trey Givens Hipster: I’m thinking of getting that little string thing attached to my tongue cut off so I can eat pussy better. –Chinatown bus Queer #1 to queer #2: Well if I’m not giving you head and you’re not giving me head then we’ve got a problem. –Wachovia, 17th & 7th Overheard by: Joanna
Has He Learned Nothing in Four Years?
Intern suit: So how do I get that pre-freshman to give me a handjob?
Girl: Do you realize that you’re graduating from college soon, and you’re asking me this?
–60th & Lex
Overheard by: grossed out
David Blaine is Always Pulling Tricks
Drunk guy #1: I’m fucked up, man.
Drunk guy #2: Not as screwed as me, right?
Sober guy: What do you mean?
Drunk guy #2: I can’t figure out whose freaking hand is down my pants!
–F train
Clean Yet Dirty (NYC Short Stories)
Teen girl #1: She once said to me, “I was thinking about us kissing in the shower.”
Teen girl #2: I hope you were wearing clothes.
–Canal & Broadway
Guy #1: Does she even shower?
Guy #2: That’s what I asked him. But then he said, “Not only does she shower, but then she licks my ass and jacks me off. It’s fucking great!”
–22nd & 3rd
Overheard by: Erin B
Man #1: You smell great!
Man #2: Thanks. I haven’t bathed since eleven.
–70th & Amsterdam
What, Objectifying is for Presidents Only? How 90s!
Suit #1: …so I went to her house and she was still begging and I kept saying “no”, and then she–
He makes a handjob gesture.
Suit #1: –and then I went home.
Suit #2: Have you seen [Laura], the new chick in the office?
Suit #3: I probably shouldn’t be saying this since I’m Vice President, but she’s got a great figure on her.
–S train
Overheard by: Michelle
Man, That Hobo Sure Gets Around
Hipster chick #1: …So I was giving this guy a handjob and he wasn’t circumcised…it was so bizarre looking.
Hipster chick #2: I know, isn’t it so weird? I’m all like, “What am I supposed to do with that thing at the top? Touch it, play with it, leave it alone?”
–5th & A
Girl #1: I just saw a bum peeing on 88th Street.
Girl #2: Was it big?
Girl #1: I didn’t notice. He was a bum. Even if he had John Holmes’ cock, I wouldn’t touch it with a ten foot pole.
Girl #2: Was it big?
Girl #1: Not really.
–6 train
Overheard by: Matt Montini
It Depends on If You Lick Your Fingers
Guy #1: So does giving a guy a handjob make you gay?
Guy #2: If your wrist starts to hurt and you’re still jerking him off, then you’re gay.
–Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Jack Roberts