Archive for the ‘Headline Contest Winners’ Category

Not Even the Women's Studies Professor Is Safe From Gina and Ashley's Critique

Student #1: I don't know why that bitch has such a big ego, she's fucking ugly.
Student #2: Yeah, I know, but she thinks she's Paris Hilton or some shit.
Student #1: She's probably getting fucked by some loser. –St. John's University Overheard by: kapnasty Headline by: Leema Runners-Up:
· “…And Taping It to Launch Her “Career”” – LOLa
· “And I’m Taping It” – Victor
· “Hey, Don’t Call My Dad a Loser!” – PeterG
· “How Guys Interpret the Twilight Books” – john
· “Just Another Day Behind the Scenes Of “The View”” – Yobojo
· “Throw in a Chihuahua and a Coke Habit…” – someday, I could be that loser
Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Ashlee Finally Lets Jessica Have It

Teen girl: Have you ever wondered why there are no, like, sexy midgets?
Friend: No, but sometimes I wonder if you are slightly retarded.
Headline by: DomCar
· “And somewhere, at that moment, a tiny discrimination lawsuit was being filed” – Marc
· “Awwww! Thanks! You said slightly!” – Emily
· “Being sexy isn’t necessary when your face if even with most people’s crotches” – theVixenNicole
· “Both problems are an unfortunate result of genetics.” – Aaron Stephenson
· “But, like, sexily so?” – Tom Dorey
· “By the end of the yellow brick road, the Tin Man was hungry, tired, and BIT-CHY!” – Alissa
· “Comebacks for when you are secretly in love with a midget.” – John
· “Happily, I Have a Fetish for Both” – anthony fiore
· “It’s Sexy Because It’s Like Having Sex With Kids, But They’re Legal!” – Bored Beyond Belief
· “She’s obviously never seen Wizard of Oz, that is ALL sex appeal” – Kevo
· “Thank God your mom pays me to hang out with you” – tiddlywinks
· “The Sexy Midget Union, recognizing retardation as a handicap, will not sue.” – Extra Character
· “The ‘My secret is: I’m marrying a dwarf’ deodorant ad — first take” – Amanda
· “There Are Sexy Midgets, You Probably Just Overlooked Them!” – Hobo Whisperer
· “They Prefer the Term “Erotically Challenged Little People”” – Shepcat
· “Yellow fever: Love of Asians. Smallpox: Love of midgets. Down Syndrome: That girl.” – erak
· “Yes, but I look good in a teddy AND can reach the top shelf” – Villelen
· “You Don’t Need to Be So Short With Me” – Matthew K Johnson

Honorable mentions:
· “But can slightly retarded be sexy?” – Virginia Wood
· “If she were fully retarded, she’d be banging all the unsexy midgets.” – AJ
· “So all those internet porn sites are wrong?” – Graz
· “The Sexy Ones Wouldn’t Want to Sleep with you Anyway” – Ian
· “The new MMILF: Mental Midgets I’d Like to F***” – Peter Parker
Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Oh! The Fucking Places You’ll Go!

Conductor: Everything’s running normal this weekend.
Black woman: Everything runnin’ normal this weekend? Shit, I could take this train to fuckin’… fuckin’ anywhere! –Q train Overheard by: office peon Headline by: Marc Runners-Up: · “Alice in Wonderland, New York Style” – Anastasia Poushkareva · “Around the Hood in Eighty Days” – ad neal · “I Meant My Colon” – I Got Real Mail · “Just a fuckin’ small town girl, livin’ in a fuckin’ lonely world…” – karaoke queen · “Transfers available to up your ass and go fuck yourself.” – mark manne · “Why Reading Rainbow and drugs don’t mix” – mike
Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Mr. Logic No Longer Tries to Give Advice in Person, Ever Since Ms. Hormones Severed Mr. Johnson

Man on phone: Nicole, Nicole, you’re wrong. Why don’t you calm down and listen to Mr. Logic? Mr. Logic says… –Office, Midtown Overheard by: Trouble Headline by: JohnnyB Runners-Up:
· “… You Probably Had Herpes Before You Met Me.” – KJM
· “…maybe Dating a Writer for Sesame Street Wasn’t Such a Good Idea.” – df
· “It Won’t Do Any Good If She Can’t Actually SEE the Hand Puppet.” – Zenece
· “Now Tom, That Only Works on Katie…” – Lindsey
· “Worst Penis Name, Ever.” – Jim C.
· “You’re 8 Months Pregnant, Birth Control May Be Moot” – Rose
Click here to see the new Headline Contest

That Depends – How Big Are the Shoulder Pads?

Girl #1: No, it's Terry Bradshaw, with a “t.”
Girl #2: No, it's Carrie, with a “c.” Carrie Bradshaw.
Girl #1: Um…no, it's Terry Bradshaw, you're wrong.
Girl #2: It's Carrie, with a “c.” You don't know what you're talking about. –St. Mark's b/w 2nd & 3rd Headline by: narcoleptic Runners-Up:
· “Hopefully Matthew Broderick Can Tell the Difference” – why do we care?
· “It’s Not Sex in the NFL?” – Sandy Paws
· “Most Scores in a Single Season?” – Jen
· “One Is a Whore, the Other Had a TV Show on HBO” – 4 superbowls= tons of ladies
· “Wait, Are We Talking About the One Who Plays With Balls And Likes Being Tackled by Large Men, or the One on FOX NFL Sunday?” – Lee
Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Hitler Did Kinda Focus on That One Star, Though…

College kid #1: …and the astrologers are having to completely change their predictions because Pluto’s not a planet anymore.
College kid #2: That’s crazy.
Random guy: Don’t make fun of astrology. Hitler took astrology seriously. So did Ronald Reagan. And kings and queens. –1 train, 116th St Overheard by: bluekale
Headline by: wiggity
· “Actually, The Queens Only Follow the Movements of Uranus” – Johnny B
· “Astrologists Predict Random Man Wearing Jack Boots Will Disembowel 2 College Kids” – dante mcnasty
· “I Thought Ronald Reagan Got Rid of All the Queens” – C.J.
· “Just When I Had Heard That Stupidity Was in Retrograde…” – tm78
· “Nostradumbass Lives On” – kathy
· “Pluto Is Just a Mickey Mouse Planet” – Elliott Sperber
· “Taurus: Keep Your Wits About You, as True Love Is Around the Corner. Also, You Will Invade Poland.” – Jim C.
· “What Did You Think the Star Wars Program Was About?” – Tom Dorey

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

I Never Told You About the Jar on My Desk?

Suit #1: Good thing my girlfriend had an abortion, or I’d have a 16-year-old kid right now.
Suit #2: Yeah? I never heard this story. –F Train Overheard by: wb Headline by: kasey Runners-Up:
· “Haven’t You Ever Asked About My Framed Coathanger?” – Ian
· “Jesus; Always the Son, Never the Father” – benny blanco
· “Lifetime Wasn’t Interested” – Emily Leonard
· “Neither Did My Wife…” – phox
· “Once Upon a Vacuum…” – blistexaddict
· “Well Jimmy, When a Man and Woman Like Sex Without Commitments….” – mkp-hearts-nyc
· “Your Wife Was Pretty Insistent I Never Tell You” – Greg Costello
Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Bow, a Beer, a Redneck Beer; Ray, Your Incest-Begotten Son…

Hick tourist #1: Why don’t we get off at the next stop… Bow Ray? Bow Ray?
Hick tourist #2: Bowery. –Brooklyn-bound J train, approaching Canal St Overheard by: there’s no e in tracy Headline by: Jatmos Runners-Up: · “1 child left behind” – Reekuhhhh! · “And ‘SoHo’ Has a Whole Other Meaning Once You’ve Crossed the Mason-Dixon” – julietaroja · “From the people who brought you nuc-u-lar” – Krisztina · “Hicked on Phonics did not work at all” – Darvio Harvo · “If at first you don’t succeed, try the exact same thing again” – Nathan Logan · “It’s never too early for a Steve Irwin joke.” – hauptman · “Same situation, but the passerby would call them “Cletus”” – Julie · “They should probably take off those white hoods before stepping foot in the poetry club.” – erak · “Tomato, tomater” – Lennyb · “That sounds kinda gay, Cletus.” – Rich Anderson · “Why didn’t we let them secede again?” – Nathaniel
Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Enough to Be Greedy, but Not Enough to Feel Guilty about It

Chick #1: Sometimes I wonder if my Jewishness has more to do with living in New York.
Chick #2: I totally know what you mean. Like, how Jewish would we be in California? –7th St, between 1st & Ave A Headline by: Kevin Runners-Up:
· “Fantastic Goyage” – j3rry
· “I Think More Than Madonna, Less Than Jesus” – alex gherardi
· “Like, Do These Tefillin, Like, Make My Wig Look Fat?” – Herbie McHebrew
· “Putting the El-Al in LA” – kerm
· “We Still Wouldn’t Swallow, but We’d Spit Cooler” – RaindanceRichard
Click here to see the new Headline Contest

A Bronx Tail

Teen girl #1, looking at subway ad: Yo, that shit be following me everywhere!
Teen girl #2: The giraffe…?
Teen girl #1: That shit follows me everywhere.
Teen girl #2: That’s because it’s summertime.
Teen girl #1: Who wants to go to the Bronx Zoo?! –A train Overheard by: someone who wants to go to the Bronx Zoo
Headline by: Emily
· “And you thought the GUYS there were creepy…” – Em
· “Apparently, when nature calls, she hangs up the phone” – Elisabeth
· “Better Than Cats!” – Christin
· “Better that than the old guy touching himself in the corner” – Dan
· “I thought the subway always smelled like that” – Justin L
· “It’s all part of their plan” – Rich
· “It’s better than being stalked by the guy in ‘Bodies'” – Neill
· “Rehab’s a Bitch” – Playtah
· “Smarter than the average bear – but only slightly” – C J
· “Somewhere an Advertising Executive Just Wet His Pants” – jay
· “Subliminal Text Messaging” – Jill
· “The one place it won’t follow me!” – jnice
· “The pink elephants had the day off” – Roy
· “The zoo always has the best shit.” – Adam
· “They are SO voted off the Ark” – Emily
Click here to see the new Headline Contest