Archive for the ‘Headline Contest Winners’ Category

Maybe if it was, your father would finally want to give me an orgasm

Daughter: But mom, I don’t like the chicken.
Mother: Sorry, honey, not everything can be McDonald’s.


Headline by: Snowy in Seattle


Runners-Up:
· “Hates the chicken, but loves the cock” – Humberto
· “Hookers on “Take Your Daughter to Work Day”” – Krisztina
· “Just give George Bush one more term…” – Noh
· “M.A.F.D.- Mothers Against Fat Daughters” – L Friz
· “McDonlads is the only thing that doesn’t taste like chicken” – Babakganoosh
· “So shut up and eat the rest of your Meow Mix” – remark



Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Abort Playdate! Abort Playdate!

Little girl #1: Guess what my mom told me that your mom told her the other day when we were playing? She had another baby before you and it died!
Little girl #2: No, my mom said that I’m the oldest.
Little girl #1: You are now ’cause the other one died. She died before she was even born!
Little girl #2: That’s impossible! You can’t die before you are born!
Little girl #1: Yes you can. You can die before you are born, while you are born, or after. You can die at any time and you don’t even have to do anything bad.
Little girl #2: I don’t want to play with you anymore. –Manhattan bound F train
Headline by: Krista
Runners-Up:
· “At her house, Zoloft is served at snacktime” – Krisztina
· “Debbie Downer: The Early Years” – E
· “Did I say something wrong?” – PJ
· “Playtime With Wednesday Addams” – Gabbertoons
· “Sartre’s Daughter Had A Hard Time Making Friends” – xavier
· “She was later known as the girl who kicked pregnant women in the stomach “just to see what happened”” – Danielle
· “Sylvia Plath Never Did Get Along With The Other Kids” – Ariel
· “Was it something I said?” – Jared
· “Welcome to Ayn Rand Kindergarten” – Emily
· “When playdates go bad… next on Springer” – Jenn
Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Good Thing Grandma’s in a Coma or She’d Never Get a Boyfriend!

Girl #1: I just wanted to scream at her to put on a goddamn bra and shave her fucking armpits!
Girl #2: Oh my god, I know. I mean, it’s not like she has much there… But it’s something and you gotta cover those puppies up.

–Greenwich Village

Headline by: RaRa

Runners-Up:
· “And the Way She Was Holding Baby Jesus–ROTFL” – ddv

· “I Mean, You’d Think She’d WANT to Look Good at Her Own Communion!” – RaRa
· “Joan and Melissa Rivers’ Commentary at the Bronx Zoo” – allison
· “Or Carry Them in a Bag Like a Celebrity” – Andrew
· “Where Have All the Paula Cole’s Gone?” – chubba
· “Yeah, But Jagged Little Pill Was Such a Great Album” – blistexaddict
· “You’d Think by the Age Of 8, She’d Get That!” – MalG


Click here to see the new Headline Contest

And That’s When I Got the Idea For the Fucks Capacitor

Queer: So I hit my head on the locker door at the gym, and I think I damaged my cervical cortex.
Chick: I fucking hate you. –Lispenard St Overheard by: fat dragon

Headline by: Matthew Sahd Mohammed
Runners-Up:
· “He’s Fucked In the Head” – John
· “I Knew You Cheated Off me on the Anatomy Exam!” – kyla
· “I Also Bruised my Temporal Labia” – Justin
· “It’s Like Childbirth Every Time I Think” – alaina
· “It’s Near the Mangina” – chris
· “Katie Holmes Finally Wakes Up” – Andy Adelewitz
· “Now I Have Two Cunts Giving me a Headache.” – rather decline
· “Oddly Enough, All He Hears Is ‘You’re Fabulous'” – Alexandria Symonds
· “She Failed Her ‘Bedside Manner’ Class in Med School” – AL
· “Since You got Word-of-the-Day Toilet Paper, Things Haven’t Been the Same” – Cheeky Brit
· “So, He Looks Great, Has a Gym Membership AND a Cervix. No Wonder She Can’t Get a Date.” – Mel Mouse
· “What Mr. and Mrs. Bush Say Behind Closed Doors” – Marissa
Click here to see the new Headline Contest

I Don't Think That's What Tim Gun Meant

20-something grad student #1: You can't sleep with her! Dude, she's in high school!
20-something grad student #2: Dude, she's 18!
20-something grad student #1: Dude…oh…well… Carry on!

–114th St & Broadway

Overheard by: S.W.

Headline by: S.T.

Runners-Up:
· “Bill Finally Accepted That Ted Would Be Having an Excellent Adventure Without Him” – lex

· “Dude, Her Myspace Page Wouldn’t Lie” – the trayster
· “Ethics Majors Cram for Their Final Exams.” – Sandy Paws
· “If She Can’t Get Into College, at Least College Can Get Into Her.” – Matthew N
· “Plus, There’s the Extra Money for Tutoring Her for the SATs” – Steve
· “Then Why Is She a Sophomore?” – Mikey


Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Man, Those Hobos Really Need to Take Some Creative Writing Classes

Lady to young man: Excuse me, sir, I just lost my wallet…
Young man (interrupting): And you need a dollar to get a bus home?
(lady says nothing and walks off)

–14th St b/w 2nd & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: I love Artichoke!

Headline by: Allison

Runners-Up:
· “Actually I Was Hoping for Your Emergency Condom” – “Jimmy” Wrapper

· “Asshat Misses Chance at Cheap BJ” – Leary Blaine
· “Ladies Get Turned Off by Todd’s Premature Speculation Problem” – FizzyGurrl
· “Maybe She’s Afraid Of Psychics” – tedric
· “Psh, Like Buses Only Cost a Dollar” – samson
· “They Give You More If You Just Call It a “Bailout”” – stimulated economy
· “This Might Have Worked Better If They Hadn’t Already Been on the Bus” – KateNonymous


Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Who Allowed Miss South Carolina Speaking Privileges Again?

Man to coworker: Yeah, sometimes we hike up to mount Kilimanjaro in the summertime.
Stupid woman: Oh, mount Kilimanjaro…is that in Vermont?
Man (taken aback): Uh, actually, it's in Tanzania.
Stupid woman: Where is that?

–1221 Avenue of the Americas

Headline by: k swin

Runners-Up:
· “It’s Considered the Vermont Of Africa, If That Helps” – mac

· “It’s Next to “The Iraq”, Like Such As… Uh…” – Virginia
· “It’s Southwest Of Vermont” – Edmund H.
· “Oh, Like Any Of You Can Point It Out on a Map?” – Natty
· “President Obama Is Still Weeding Out Bush’s Staff….” – kim


Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Only for Catholics

Teen: That guy is jerkin’ it right there in public!
Mother: Look away. He just has a disease.
Teen: What? So chronic masturbation is a disease now?

–42nd St subway

Overheard by: come again?

Headline by: gerard

Runners-Up:
· “Cause Dad Said Its a Cure for Fat Wife Syndrome” – angelica cayne

· “Come Again?” – Mary Beth
· “Ironically, NOT Healed by Laying on Of Hands” – JohnnyB
· “Momma Don’t Know Jack.” – jason daniel
· “No. I Was Referring To The Pus Pockets On The Head Of His Penis.” – Redneck Jedi
· “There’s Even a 12 Stroke Program” – Grantakerous
· “We’re Tivoing _That_ Telethon!” – Vera Vaughan Hough


Click here to see the new Headline Contest

That Would Explain All the Helmets.

Man to woman after hearing a man sing “Amazing Grace”: Maybe it was the all-retarded hour at church.

–Bronx

Overheard by: ClaRity

Headline by: bobofthejungle

Runners-Up:
· “Another Happy Sunday with Simon and Paula.” – again

· “But It Still Beats the All-Amputee Hour at the Strip Club.” – SNA
· “Flowers For AlgerNun” – Paul K.
· “From Midget Masses to Handicapped Hymns, Mega-Churches Pull Out All The Stops” – stacey
· “They’re Down with God” – Rostkowski


Click here to see the new Headline Contest

The long version of “I was drunk”

Spunky gay boy: It’s not like I go into the bathroom to nap… But when you’re pooping it’s just, you know, relaxing, and when I start to read on the pot I’m like Pavlov’s dog and I get sleepy!
Skeptical fag hag: That’s no excuse for falling asleep naked on my toilet bowl.
Spunky gay boy: Right.

–C train, Hoyt-Schermerhorn St

Headline by: Gold StaR

Runners-Up:
· “But Thanks For The Highest Rated Youtube Hidden Cam Video.” – Veronica
· “I’m Surprised You Can Do It Away from the Home…I Thought Your People Were Like Cats.” – ImmaculatePizza
· “Pavlov’s Log” – Brian G
· “Ring, Ring. Plop, Plop” – Chris
· “The Roofies I Gave You, Now THAT’s an Excuse.” – Duncan Pflaster
· “Then Whats Your Excuse for Doing It on Mine?” – Lezbotron


Click here to see the new Headline Contest