Archive for the ‘Headline Contest Winners’ Category

When Cow Tipping Goes Bad

Younger guy: She was a bit fatter than I expected.
Older guy: Well, you still did the deed though?
Younger guy: Yes, of course I did. I had the beer goggles on to protect me but it was hard to keep the cattle prod charged.
Older guy: Well, it’s not the pussy’s fault. –42nd & Avenue of the Americas Headline by: chubba Runners-Up:
· “Also, Her Tail Kept Getting in the Way” – sam
· “I Learned a Lot That Summer on the Ranch…” – Mark
· “If Only I Had My +5 Armor with +2 Strength.” – Bevan
· “It’s the Whale Attached to It” – Bizzznatch
· “They Always Blame the Cat, Never the Dog…” – Steve Gotz
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Beats Waking Up in Jersey

Girl #1: Her brother died.
Girl #2: Oh.
Girl #1: Yeah, they found his body in the Hudson last week. –Chipotle, 8th St Overheard by: Michelle Headline by: Dewar Di Runners-Up:
· “His Head Was in the East, Though” – Jenny M
· “It Took A Week To Negotiate With The Fisherman For The Body” – Trey Jackson
· “Oh, That Kind Of Dead” – Josh
· “Wow. Are You Getting Extra Guacamole?” – ty
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You'll Be Embarrassed When You Realize He's Talking on His New Bluetooth

Hobo to himself: The VA wants $200. (pause) How can I give them $200? (pause) I only get $320. (pause) Maybe I'll bribe them. (pause) No, that won't work–you need money to bribe people. –Chase ATM, Grammercy Overheard by: cmk Headline by: Luminesce Runners-Up:
· “He’ll Be Running a Hedge Fund in No Time” – again
· “I Guess the Facelift Will Have to Wait” – JohnAustin
· “In the End, He’ll Use His Sex Appeal” – Daniel
· “It’s a Catch-22” – Gary
· “Or Just Vomit on Their Doorstep Until They Cave in” – Fresca P
· “You Could Try to Sell Barack Obama’s Senate Seat” – Nick Pollotta
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And It Burns, Burns, Burns, the Ring of Fire…

Homeless guy dropping cigarettes while following foreigners: A brother drops his smokes and you gets a-steppin’?! I smoke Newports! You can’t get this in no garage! Hey! Hey! How about givin’ me some money? It’s for the children, for the children!
Lady: No!
Homeless guy to lady’s boyfriend: Wow, there’s evil! So much evil comin’ from this one. You’re good, though, I can tell.
Boyfriend: Yeah?
Homeless guy: Can you feel that? Can you feel that, brother?
Boyfriend: Yes, I can feel that.
Homeless guy: You know what that is?
Boyfriend: No, what is it?
Homeless guy: It’s the feel of the crack of yo’ asshole burnin’! [Homeless guy runs away.] –Bleecker, near Sullivan Headline by: pheeze Runners-Up: · “Another drive-by psychic reading from Triumph the Insult Comic Bum” – Angus McIntyre · “Jesus Is My Roid Cream” – en_ki · “That Port Hasn’t Been New In Years” – dan · “The wrong way to hand out Taco Bell coupons” – Jon Trudel
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…Let Me Get One of Those Straight-People Double-Ended Dildos…

Man to confused ladies turning around to exit porn shop: We have straight stuff too!
Women, re-entering store: Oh! In that case… –Chelsea Headline by: Paul Tabachneck Runners-Up:
· “All Our Dildos Are Unisex…” – Jacques
· “But You’ll Need to Enter the Store Via the Front Door” – Zorak
· “Do You Have Any Dildos Shaped Like Clay Aiken?” – Clay got a bitch preggers…
· “I’ll Take 600 Of Your Finest, Blackest Dildos, Please.” – porter
· “Ironically, It’s In the Rear.” – Allison
· “It´s In the Back Behind the Curtain” – Deek
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…And He Bit My Leg.

Son: I’m thinking of an animal now.
Mother: Does it live in water?
Son: No.
Mother: Does it live on land?
Son: No.
Mother: Does it live in the air?
Son: No.
Mother: Does it live in the subway?
Son: Yes.
Mother: Is it a rat?
Son: No.
Mother: I give up.
Son: It’s a homeless person. –1 train Headline by: Johnny Utah Runners-Up:
· “Better Question: Does It Masturbate in the Subway?” – s m
· “Can We Hunt It for Sport on a Private Island?” – space coyote
· “Don’t Feed It… It’ll Shit Everywhere!” – Hobo Whisperer
· “Homeless: the Other Other White Meat” – Renee
· “New and Improved — Now with Rabies!” – greatly amused
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Sugar and Spice and Everything Ripe

Teen boy: You know, some guys think it’s cute when a girl farts.
Teen girl: That’s only until they smell it. –1 train Overheard by: anna Headline by: jay Runners-Up: · “Dr. Strangelove or How I learned not to worry and love the bomb.” – Pavel · “Find skidmarks in her panties and you’ve found a keeper” – Girls don’t do #2 · “Smells like teen sphincter” – Leon · “Then they just get jealous.” – Peacock
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Cue Fade Out to R. Kelly Waking Up

High school girl #1: Rachel*, do you really find that man attractive?
High school girl #2: His personality is perfect!
High school girl #1: He is 50 years old!
High school girl #2: So?
High school girl #3: Yeah, I second that: so what? –Central Park Headline by: Tom Runners-Up:
· “His Money Doesn’t Look a Day Over 20” – Nik
· “Mr. Belding Only Got Better with Age” – RBNY
· “Now, Let’s Make a Pact to Be Impregnated by Him…” – T
· “Who Says Santa Can’t Be a Babe Magnet?” – Nael B
· “You Might Want to Check the Expiration Date on That Personality” – kenderbard
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Why Is This Night Different From All Other Nights?

Child, after hurting himself: Jesus!
Grandma: Oh, no. Don’t say that tonight.
Child: Christ! –Seder, UWS Overheard by: bobby bo bobby Headline by: AL Runners-Up: · “Sawww-eee.” – Sameer · “All that colorful Yiddish I taught you, and this is the best you can do?” – MB · “Blasphemy is allah the same to me” – Yugan · “Either way, it’s still not kosher” – Peter · “Wait until after we kill him” – bobofthejungle
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For the Last Time Dad, Marijuana Is NOT a Vegetable

Street performer: I declare today the “Eat Vegetables and Dance Day”!
Tourist to son: See, I told you all New Yorkers are crazy and high. –South Street Seaport Headline by: AlpacaHoss Runners-Up:
· “As a Perfectly Sane Dance-Eater, I Take Exception to That Remark” – Upstanding New Yorker
· “Does She Mean the People or the Rent Payments?” – Uncle Bling
· “Now Lettuce Boogie Out Of Town” – Kevin Babbles
· “Now Let´s Go to McDonald’s, and I’d Better Not See Those Hips Shaking” – Laura
· “Now Stop Dancing and Eat This Bacon” – Jesse
· “Richard Simmons Tries to Restart His Career” – sweatin to the oldies
· “What and Break My Perfect Morbidly Obese Record?” – Nota Fatty
· “You Laugh Until You Realize That New Yorkers Get the Day Off From Work” – BabakganoosH
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