Archive for the ‘Headline Contest Winners’ Category

Jessica Was Only Halfway Through Her Etiquette Guide

Very fat man in suit: Excuse me, miss, could you move your bag so I could sit in that seat?
Thin girl: With all due respect, sir, even if I did move this bag, there's no way your fat ass will fit here.

–Downtown 1 Train

Overheard by: thinks he should try Weight Watchers

Headline by: JohnAustin

· “”Let Me Rephrase. Excuse Me, BITCH…”” – Paul Tabachneck
· “New Yorkers: Keeping It Real Since 1886″ – Nicole
· “She’ll Be His First Target When He Becomes a Serial Killer” – Muse on the Loose
· “She’ll Gain 200 Pounds When She Gets Pregnant” – Vanessa
· “Southwest Airlines Has Already Made This Point” – Michellinator
· “Under a Fat Man, Nobody Can Hear You Scream” – Trey Jackson
· “Weigh Watchers Has a New Recruiting Campaign Called “Honesty”” – Lauren

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But I Was Going to Take You to a Comedy Show!

Comedy guy promoter to young JAP: Comedy show! Comedy show! Hey, do you like comedy?
Young JAP: Um… no.
Comedy guy: Come on, they're funny… just come!
Young JAP: Umm… no.
Comedy guy: Fine, don't come. But do you like tall skinny white men? Wanna go on a date?
Young JAP: Again: umm… no.

–14th St & Broadway

Headline by: Kelly Combs

· “Feigned Hesitation Is the Cruelest Of the Sarcastic Arts” – Aaron
· “How About Puppies? Everyone Likes Puppies!” – CJ
· “JAP Has No Sense Of Humor, Film at 11″ – samson
· “She Actually Just Has a Rare Form Of Tourettes…” – Molly
· “What About Money?! I Bet You Like That!” – Zak Santucci

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That's Why Cities Are Comparable to Pop-Up Books

Obvious tourist #1: I love it when you step out of the train station, and it's like… Bam! City!
Obvious tourist #2: Yeah. City life.

–Amtrak Train

Overheard by: broken headphones

Headline by: limescentedguy

· “I Hear Prison’s the Same Way” – time served

· “Or It’s Like … Bam! Gunshot!” – emeril
· “That’s Not the City, That’s Chuck Norris” – Matt M.
· “Then BAM! You’ve Been Mugged.” – Fresca P.
· “Tourist, The Other White Meat” – Stick’em Up
· “Two Weeks Later They Finally Found Their Way Out Of Penn Station” – BabakganoosH

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Just Spit Like I Do, It's Only Bad If You Swallow…

Brunette, looking at menu: What's cream sauce?
Blonde: I don't know, but I feel like it's really bad for you.
Brunette: Yeah, you're right. I'm getting fries.

–Cafeteria, Fordham University

Headline by: Derek

· “America’s Obesity Problem:” – catsandgnomes

· “Freshmen 15 Here I Come!” – james
· “Potatoes Are a Vegetable, Right?” – Skug Skellum

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Please Let Your Parents Be Axe Murderers

Man #1: Wow, this week sucked! I lost a few million dollars.
Man #2: Me too. I'm going to have to move back in with my parents.

–Park Ave & 39th St

Headline by: jon

· “How the Financial Crisis Brings Families Closer” – OfficeGirl

· “How the USA Became a British Colony Again” – BabakganoosH
· “We’re All Trillionaires in Zimbabwe” – erak
· “What Happens in Vegas Stays in the Basement Eating Ramen” – kwisatzdan

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Things Got Awkward When They Brought Up Aaron

Drunk hipster: God, I just loved Charlie, why did they have to kill him?
Drunk 30-something: No, I'd do Locke, even with his crazy eye.
Drunk hipster: Oh, Sawyer's a babe.
Drunk 30-something: No shit! I'd drink beer out of his shoe.

–Sin Sin Bar, East Village

Overheard by: not as drunk

Headline by: erak

· “…And Freebase the Smoke Monster” – DCGeek

· “I’d Drink Beer Out Of a Lot Of Things, Though” – Paul. R
· “This Could Totally Be Me and My Friends” – james
· “Yeah, Well I’d Lick Jam Off Sayed’s Back Bro….” – Ria

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How Dr. Phil Got His Start

Young girl: See, I was right! And you said I was stupid.
Young boy: No, I didn't. I said you had a problem, and that ain't changed.

–Central Park West

Headline by: Lusus Naturae

· “Fortunately, Most Young Girls Are Stupid, Otherwise Young Boys Wouldn’t Ever Get Laid” – Young, Dumb, & Full Of …

· “Testfiy, Brother, Testify!” – Jakal
· “The Education System Is the Problem, Stupidity Is the Outcome” – Teacher’s Spouse
· “Yep, It’s Infected” – benji

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I See You Share My Affliction, Brother

Ticket seller: Hey guy! Wanna see a comedy show?
Teenager: Sorry, I was born without a sense of humor.
Ticket seller: Go fuck yourself!

–Times Square

Overheard by: Vinny B

Headline by: Toby

· “It Would Have Been Funnier If He Wasn’t an Autistic Hermaphrodite” – Prole

· “Jimmy Fallon Turns Down Tickets to His Own Show” – walty
· “Now *That* Would Be Quite a Show…” – Green Star
· “Really? I Was Born with Tourrettes…” – Chad King

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Forty-Year-Old Wirgins

Asian guy #1: Dude, the Wii is so much better than the Cube.
Asian guy #2: No, the Cube is so much better!
Asian guy #3: Yeah, the Cube has so much more power, and the dynamics of the graphics…
Asian guy #2, interrupting: The graphics! They are soooo awesome!
Asian guy #1: Hey, guys? Why are we talking about video games?
Asian guy #3: Because we're boys.
Asian guy #2: Nah…because we're Asian.
Asian guy #3: Dude, if I could be Colossus it would be sooo cool, cuz I wouldn't have to wear my glasses anymore!

–Downtown 6 Train

Overheard by: Emma

Headline by: Doc Dan

· “And Have an Undersized Metal Penis!” – Patrick

· “Every Asian Girl´s Parents´ Wet Dream!” – Ria
· “It Was at This Moment Kim Jong-il Selected His Son to Be His Successor” – What about NES?
· “Somewhere, the Mutant Sunspot Is Gently Weeping” – wirrrn

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So We Played Naked Charades and I Guessed It Right Away

Girl to friend: So, I found out that Jon has herpes and he never told me.
(friend looks at her in shock)
: Not that kind of herpes, the other kind. But I talked to him about it. It's pretty funny, actually. But he didn't tell me. Well…we don't really talk about stuff like that.

–110th St & Broadway

Headline by: ikki nikki

· “…Until I Googled Valtrex, That Is” – keeps on giving
· “Genital Sores Tend to Speak for Themselves” – DCGeek
· “So Long As He Keeps It in His Ass, It Doesn’t Affect Our Relationship” – BenGay
· “The Line for Guest Appearences on Maury Starts Here…” – John
· “We Don’t Want Things to Get Too Simplex” – erak
· “Which Is Why He Doesn’t Know About My Three Abortions” – Jesse
· “You Mean the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” Kind Of Herpes?” – leoladie23

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