Archive for the ‘Heat’ Category

Wednesday One-Liners Swear It's Swine Flu

Sick cop to another: The way I see it, you've got seven holes in your head. If you don't wanna get sick, you just gotta keep your fingers out of those seven holes. Then you'll be good.

–ER, Saint Vincent Hospital

Overheard by: Dustin

Old-school pimp on cell: I'm sick. (pause) Naw, baby, I just want you to bring me some money and chicken soup.

–96th & Columbus Ave

Woman on phone: Yeah, I'm doing really well. I just have some cancerous issues. But other than that, I'm great!

–East Village

Overheard by: Erin

Woman to friend: So I was worried I had a urinary tract infection or something, even though it didn't hurt when I was peeing. But it turns out it was just a pube stuck in my clit.

–R Train

Overheard by: what the hell?

Guy to friend: So, I finally got athlete's foot.

–116th & Broadway

Chick to guy friend: Well, if you hadn't spent the entire morning cursing out yo momma, then you wouldn't had gotten swine flu!

–Edward R. Murrow High School, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Amused Freshman

Hippie girl on cell: Hey, mom! How are you? (pause) Not so good, actually, my bloodwork just came back and I have Lyme disease! (pause) I know…it's like 70 degrees here!

–42nd & Park Ave

Overheard by: AwkwardTwig

Oh, Get Your Mind Out Of the Wednesday One-Liner!

Angry bus driver: Get out of my rear. Get out of my rear.

–Q44 Bus

Overheard by: This is why men do not give birth

Law professor, pulling out a cough drop: Sorry guys, if I don't suck on this, I just won't make it.

–CUNY Law School

Overheard by: That's what she said

Chemistry teacher: No, it's really warm here. (pause) Feel my test-tube.

–Stuyvesant High School

Large black lady to girlfriend: I'm not gonna let him put his babbaganush in my peace pipe!

–Houston St & 1st Ave

Overheard by: ian has a face

Loud woman on cell: Yes, he stuck it up my right one, and when it was halfway in, I was like "ow, you need to take it out!" and then he stuck it up my left one, and I felt no discomfort!

–72nd & 2nd

Old lady to another: So is there an oral tradition in your family then?

–86th & Broadway

Overheard by: Frenchie

Wednesday Hotliners

Fat girl at bar: Be hot, be educated, bend me over. That's all I want.

–Kenny's Castaways

Overheard by: Richard

Conductor (bitchily): Ladies and gentlemen, if you think the car you are in is too hot, feel free to get up and move!

–NJ Transit, Penn Station

Teenage girl to friend: Yeah, right, like, "Hi, I took the school bus with you in elementary school. Now you're really hot." (both laugh)

–Hunter College High School

Overheard by: Rosebud

Man on phone: Hey man, she was hot. But listen, don't tell her I have a girlfriend, okay?

–5th Ave & 10th St

Overheard by: i'm going to break it to her gently

Teenage girl on cell: Yes, I know you're not supposed to take pills from people you don't know, but he was so hot! And then I think I had sex with him.

–Chinatown Bus Station

Overheard by: Emily

Fast Times at Wednesday One-Liners

Teacher: My father always told me, "Never run away from a fight. If the guy's bigger than you, hit him. If he gets back up, hit him again. If he gets back up again, hit him with a garbage can. If he still gets back up, run like hell, 'cause this dude's gonna kill you!"

–Stuyvesant High School

Teacher: Okay. Emergency procedures. If the fire bell rings, we run like hell.

–Stuyvesant High School

Overheard by: Goober

Chinese teacher (referring to Sichuan earthquake): They had a saying after the earthquake happened that originates from a male part. "People are supposed to rise up, and get hard!" …and be strong.

–Bard High School Early College

Math teacher: Give me your little men!

–Spence School

English teacher: I could be charged with child abuse in some states for teaching grammar in 90-degree weather. (student is silent) I'm not going to hit you.

–Brooklyn Tech

Overheard by: Julie

According to the Ancient Law, You Snooze, You Lose

(passengers start closing bus windows because of heavy rain)
Girl #1
: That window's still open.

Girl #2 (reaching over sleeping girl and closing it): Oh my god, I feel like I'm her savior.
Girl #1: Uh-huh.
Girl #2: But now it's really hot. Should we open a window?
Girl #1: Fine. (reaches over and opens the window next to the sleeping girl)
Girl #2: You're evil.
Girl #1: Yeah, like you weren't thinking of doing the same exact thing.

–Bronx Science Vallo Bus

Wednesday One-Liners Are So Hot Right Now

Big muscular man on cell: It's so damn hot, I'm glad I'm not wearing makeup.

–Outside Tribeca Deli

Overheard by: Akiko

Conductor: This is 42nd Street, Times Square. Number 3 train across the platform. Get it while it's hot!

–Downtown 1 Train

Elderly black woman to no one in particular: It's so hot my pussy is melting!

–12th & Broadway

Overheard by: lemchek

Enthusiastic girl: As soon as I saw his name in lights! His name is so hot! So I have to marry him!

–Thompson & W 3rd St

Guy: I'm telling ya that it was so damn hot in there that my balls rolled out from under my towel and fell on the floor… like they was trying to escape or something.

–Starbucks

Dude to friend: I wanna say she's hot… But I mean she looks like the type of girl who accepts Discover.

–The Village