Archive for the ‘Hobos’ Category

Won’t They Feel Silly When They Discover the Hobo’s Dead

Tourist girl #1: Hey, look behind me.
Tourist girl #2: What? All I see is a wall.
Tourist girl #1: No, you dumb shit — on the ground.
Tourist girl #2: Oh, it’s just a hobo. Oh my god, it’s a hobo! [Screaming] Ahhh! I’m scared of hobos! Will he rape me?!
Tourist girl #1: Shut up, retard. Just ’cause he is a sleeping hobo doesn’t mean he can’t hear you. And no, he won’t rape you.
Tourist girl #2: Oh, well, good thing I’m with you — I feel safer.
Tourist girl #1: Why?
Tourist girl #2: ‘Cause if anyone was gonna rape one of us, they would pick you to rape first — you’re way prettier — so while they were raping you I could run away screaming.
Tourist girl #1: Shut up. You’re a freak.

–Netherlander Theatre

Overheard by: rent head

Wednesday One-Liners Like the Moon

Overweight geeky lunatic protester: The perpetual battery will last longer than any of us! The perpetual battery is the answer to all of our energy problems! It will draw its power from the very vacuum of space!

–Union Square South

Overheard by: Percival

Crazy old guy with beard and hat with lots of buttons: Where is the moon? Where is the moon, where is the galaxy? Have you ever seen Men in Black? It's all about the galaxy. The earth is beneath Columbus Circle. The moon is at 64th and Central Park West. If you had to suspend reality, how would you do it?

–Uptown 2 Train

Overheard by: Jingles

Professor: Has anybody ever seen a solar eclipse? Anybody, anybody? (silence) No? Well, maybe we were all inside on Facebook when it happened…

–St. John's University, Staten Island

Overheard by: Andrea

Visiting professor, explaining "word salad": Cream cheese to the moon mother, fuckers!

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Molly Moo

Obviously sober guy: I know Vikings eat ham, but what about Saturn?

–Rotating Cube Sculpture, Astor Place

Blonde: You cannot eat in space! It sucks you in.

–Union Square

Crazy bag man with hat full of buttons: Where's the moon, where's the moon? If the globe on Columbus Cirlce is the earth, the moon is on 63rd Street West. That is a test of spatial ree-al-uh-tee. How well did you do?

–Uptown 3 Train, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Les Izzmore

Broke Mountain

Hobo #1: What’s my name, man? What’s my name?
Hobo #2: Shit…I know yo’ name…
Hobo #1: What’s my name? Yo’ name is Joe Smith. See, you don’t even know my name!
Hobo #2: I know yo’ name…but you gotta tell me yo’ name first.
Hobo #1: We in Heaven right now…if you see me, you not gonna know my name!
Hobo #2: Shit, we in Heaven right now? That’s fucked up!
Hobo #1: I told you my name like a hundred times. I’m Larry. What’s my name?
Hobo #2: You ain’t told me yet!
Hobo #1: All right…we in kindergarten now. What’s my name?
Hobo #2: Heaven. Man, that’s messed up.
Hobo #1: Man, I love you. –A train Overheard by: Mikey