Archive for the ‘Holidays’ Category

Get Ready to Be Afraid! (Happy Halloween)

Man on cell: I have two phobias. The post office and the library. And you want me to go to the post office for you? –University & 10th College girl #1: What do you think is the saddest emotion or feeling?
College girl #2: I’m not sure, maybe fear.
College girl #1: Yeah, that’s a good one. Ya know, if we lived in Ethiopia you would have said hunger. –71st between 2nd & 3rd Overheard by: Lizz Tooher Girl: Yeah, I always wear black…I’m, like, scared of colors. –Elevator, Parsons School of Design Guy: Yo, that Hamburgler’s a scary motherfucker, ’cause you never know what that nigga be sayin’. He be all “robble robble robble robble” and shit! –23rd & 6th Overheard by: Tacologic Woman: Holy crap, you scared the hell out of me. What are you supposed to be anyway, Hercules?
Man: I’m Thor. Mighty son of Odin. –N train

Show Me the Wednesday One-Liners!

Angry teen on cell: I'm not gonna pay 18 dollars for a wedgie!

–Lingerie Department, Macy's

Overheard by: me neither

Girl on cell: I don't have a problem with camping, but why do they have to give me a sleeping bag? Can't they give me linens? It's not like I'm not giving them an insignificant amount of money.

–W Broadway & Grand

Suit on cell: At first I was only making $30,000 a year, but last year I got shot in the foot, and then I got a $1,000 bonus, so now I'm making $32,000 a year. Shit!

–F Train

Overheard by: Brittany Smith

Loud woman on cell: I like and don't mind fucking you, but I need to get paid. I'm unemployed right now.

–108th & Broadway

Elevator operator for observatory, upon leaving: Please come again! We want your money.

–Empire State Building

Old guy in dark suit to young guy in dark suit: You're not embezzling money!

–48th & 8th

Well, It’s Gone Now; Timber!

Guy: We came up on 6th Avenue so now we’re on 49th!
Girl: Does anybody know where the friggin’ tree is?
Woman: It’s on the fucking left! –49th & 6th Overheard by: Emma Little girl: I hate that tree. –Rockefeller Center Overheard by: melanie segal Woman: The big Christmas tree is in Central Park, right?
Man: Yeah. –1 train Overheard by: Hilla

Don’t Forget Grandma Today Either!

Woman #1: I got my grandmother the hugest card for Mother’s Day. She likes things that are really big.
Man: See, and they always told me that size doesn’t matter.
Woman #1: It really doesn’t matter what it says; she doesn’t understand English, anyway.
Woman #2: Do you think giving her the big card makes her understand it better the same way people think that talking louder to people who can’t speak English make them understand you? –14th Street elevator

Happy Holidays–NYC Style

White Muslim Woman: The women who were sitting here were laughing at me because of how I look. I’m a social worker. Some of my clients are OMRDD so I read lips real well. Because I’m Muslim they didn’t like my outfit. They think we don’t care about how we dress. I was actually Krishna before I was Muslim. The Christmas holidays, the spirit is supposed to be giving. My daughter’s Christian still. That’s why I’m laughing. In my house we used to have Kwanzaa, everything. I knew my husband for three years. I taught him English. I was his teacher! I just converted. Reversion, they call it. Then two weeks later we got married. English I taught him and he was teaching me Arabic. We met in a store ’cause they have restrictions about coming up to a woman’s apartment…They don’t think you understand English, but I speak Spanish and Italian. One time this lady said she thought I was disgusting. I told her “You’re disgusting!” in Spanish. I was peeing my pants. I was hysterical. –D Train