Archive for the ‘Home, Sweet Home’ Category

Why Is This Girl Riding the Subway?

JAP: Oh my god, I can’t wait to move into the city. I can’t take my house anymore, my parents are always up my ass. Gabby, what time will you be home? Gabby, don’t forget to tell Rosa to pick up your dry cleaning! Gabby, we’re paying your tuition, you can’t treat this house like a hotel! It’s so annoying! I just wanna be on my own, I can take care of myself, I don’t need them constantly doing stuff for me!
Friend: Yeah… So where were you thinking of moving?
JAP: I dunno, my dad said he might let me move into his apartment on 89th. Either that, or a partner at his firm is selling a co-op that he might buy for me. He said I can choose. –Uptown W train

Wednesday One-Liners Don’t Grow on Trees

Crazy guy: Look at you people. All y’all paying eighteen, nineteen hundred dollars rent. I pay two dollars rent! And I get a free transfer! –Uptown A Train Overheard by: Heather Smoking girl: I’m just not going to put all of this money and time into this degree and then take a job that pays less than $100,000 after I graduate. I mean, I’m just *not*. –Outside Fayerweather Hall, Columbia University Overheard by: Ladle Bored street fundraiser for the homeless: Just one penny, people. Just one penny. Blah, blah, blah. –Union Square Park Overheard by: Farley Crazy guy: You motherfucking actors with all your fucking money and shit… I hate you… But boy did I want to be an actor when I was young. –Outside NBC Studios, 49th & 6th Overheard by: Ross Frustrated booth operator, yelling at an argumentative tourist: Lady, this subway hasn’t used tokens in over seven years! And that ain’t even a token… It’s a one collar coin! –Subway, Spring & Lafayette Overheard by: NYC Tourists Never Cease to Amaze Me 50-something ticket collector to high school girl: Don’t worry, I didn’t forget your change. (pause) I will never forget you. (walks away) –Metro-North Train Mother to young daughter running down the street: Get over here before I make change outta that five dollar ass! –168 & Broadway

Home Is Where You Hang Your Wednesday One-Liners

Saleswoman to customer on busy day: Some days you really should just stay at home. You’re cranky. –Macy’s, Herald Square Loud black lady on cell: Mothafuckah, I ain’t no one-night stand. If you think you can fuckin’ call me at 10:30 to 11:00 at night and fuckin’ pull me out of my home with my kids, then you must think I’m some other… [whispers] bitch. –Mail room, Financial District Woman on cell: Good, that way she won’t be able to beat on anyone else’s house guests! Let her sit at home and beat on her own house guests! –M14 bus Overheard by: Eyeteeth Conductor: Jessica! Jessica! Girl, you on this train. Jessica Elizabeth! I’m taking you home, girl. –6 train Overheard by: fridaholic

Can You Hear Wednesday One-Liners Now?

Judge to room packed with prospective jurors: I am going to give you a number to call in case of an emergency. You should copy this down. The number is 917-480… (pause) Oh shit! (mic becomes muffled). Um, sorry. That was my cell phone number. –Supreme Court Building Woman on cell: Our codependent lewdity shall rage on, Verizon! Take that! –113th & Broadway Overheard by: McF Hipsterette to another: Well, you shouldn't have to sleep with someone to find out if he's going to call you back. –Coffee Shop, Park Slope Overheard by: TheGreenCat Conductor: There is a C train just across the platform. For those of you who have a sudden urge for a change of plans and wish to abandon your plans to go to Park Slope tonight, you can hop off here and take the C to East New York. I hope you have a phone to call your family, you won't be home for dinner! –F Train Overheard by: Staying on the F Girl in bathroom stall on cell: Okay, my phone is dying, I will call you later. (pause) Call you from a payphone? I don't know how to use one of those. –School, Lower Manhattan Well-dressed woman walking tiny dog, yelling into cell: You know what, John? You can e-mail, don't even call me. I don't want you on my phone. (pause) Hello? –Columbus Circle

Wednesday Vaginers

Enthusiastic 20-something: Oh, is that ciabatta? Yummy! Whenever I see ciabatta, my pussy starts to swell! –Broadway & 13th Random passerby: He wants a vagina. In and around his mouth. –The Village Cute NYU blonde: He won't like, touch my vagina with his hands. That means he's gay, right? –Mercury Lounge, LES Drunk Latina to drunk white girl whose boyfriend stepped out to get a paper bag: Girl, just tell him to take you home. Tell him you want to sleep tonight. Tell him your pussy is closed! –McDonald's, 14th St & 7th Ave Overheard by: ehka Girl in gym: Everything on my body is flaccid, except my vagina. –Fordham Gym

The Wasteland Of Wednesday One-Liners

Guy to security guard: We're not fucking tourists, man, we're just trying to get back to our home in Jersey. –Port Authority Overheard by: Confabulation Nation Metrosexual guy: There are two kinds of people I will never, ever, date. One are people who are culturally ignorant. The second is people from New Jersey. –45th & 5th Overheard by: Mr. Pink Proper British woman to loud drunk guy: Go back to Jersey! –BB King Concert, Christ United Church Overheard by: bb Uptight 40-something white guy: I can't wait to get safely back in New Jersey! –A Train Overheard by: JoshBob