Archive for the ‘Home, Sweet Home’ Category

Bed, Bath, and Wednesday One-Liner

Hipstress to another: At least now if you find a baby on your doorstep, you'll have a dresser drawer to put it in.

–Pete's Candy Store, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Mat Freimuth

Gamer on headset, freaking out: Oh my god, why would you move the couch!? Why the hell did you move it, idiot!? When you move a couch, bad things happen! Move the couch… You stupid… Oh my god. Wanna know why we all died after moving the couch? Because we moved the damn couch!

–Glendale

Middle-aged woman backing away from pink, cushioned chair for sale: Only $199? I wonder what it would be like to fuck on that chair!

–Hamilton Heights

Angry wife: No, it's fine, at least I finally know how you truly feel about throw pillows.

–65th St & Broadway

Wednesday One-Liners Grow Hair on Their Palms

Preppy guy to preppy friends: So then she's throwing these nerf balls at me while I'm furiously beating off on her couch…

–Chinatown

Girl: Masturbation's not really my thing, but I need to be more self-sufficient.

–N Train

Angst 20-something on cell: Ya, I miss riding my bike, it made my ass look so good… Fuck! I just want to go home, smoke some weed, and masturbate.

–Central Park

Overheard by: kate

Guy: I hope this bus gets caught in a traffic jam! (looks down out of window) You may see people jacking off in their cars.

–MegaBus, Top Deck

Overheard by: EuropanGal

20-something girl on cell: Yeah, he's a big dork. Ya know what else he uses? Calculators. But that's just to masturbate.

–Macdougal & 4th

Overheard by: Billy H.

Young women on cell: Oh. My. God! You will never guess who got married! (pause) The masturbator!

–Bryant Park

Who's Gonna Hold Wednesday's Hair While She One-Liners?

Self-tanned woman on BlackBerry, pushing stroller: I'm gonna puke because you're not here with me!

–American Eagle

Overheard by: liveyourlife

Cheerful woman on cell: Oh yeah, I been getting mad nauseous on this bus! But I ain't putting my face near that toilet back there, nuh-uh. I'd rather get sick all over myself.

–Chinatown Bus to DC

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Guy waiting for n train: I just want to fucking go home and puke in my own fucking toilet!

–Canal St & Broadway

Woman: I come out of the bathroom after three hours of him barfing, and people think we were having sex! You think I'm that hot at 46 to go shag my boy in the middle of a party? And even if I were, I would have been gone for, what? Like, ten minutes? Max!

–Time Warner Building

Girl to friends: I definitely think gay vomit would be the prettiest.

–Perry & Bleecker

Overheard by: other contenders?