Archive for the ‘Homeless’ Category

Jon Lovitz, Is That You Again?

Girl #1: Oh my gosh. I have to pee so bad. Do you think this restaurant will let me use their bathroom?
Girl #2: I don't know, why don't you ask?
Hobo, sunbathing in front of restaurant: Why, of course you may use the bathroom, young lady. But you will have to pay $5.
Girl #1: How do you know?
Hobo: Because this is my restaurant and I own this building.
Girl #2: I find that hard to believe.
Hobo: Look, you can believe me or not, but if you don't pay me the $5 fee, I'm going to expose my golden privates to you. Either way, I come out on top, you see?
Girl #2: Unbelievable! (walks away)
Hobo: Why, thank you. –Times Square

Isn’t It Time You Talked to Your Kids About Wednesday One-Liners?

Creepster: Hey there… do you like drugs? … How about Gandhi? –Chambers &and West Broadway Girl on cell: So I opened the envelope on the train… Yeah it was heroin. –W 46th Ave Bum: Excuse me! Hey, hey! Excuse me! Check it out! I am going to smoke crack all fucking night, and there isn’t anything anyone can do about it, because that’s what I’m going to do, I’m going to smoke so much crack! –West 4th at Washington Square Park Overheard by: Cory Guy to hungover girl: Everyday you look more and more like you do heroin. –Relish Bar & Grill Preppy dude: I like doing drugs too much to be a Buddhist. –Arlene’s Grocery Mom to ten-year-old son: … But that’s like saying heroin is the only drug to try! –14th St & 9th Ave

Do They Make a Glade Plug-In for Wednesday One-Liners?

Little girl, running along platform: Mommy! Mommy! Slow down! Mommy, it smells like penis in here! –Grand Central Girl to another: Do you have a hand wipe? I totally smell like rape right now. –44th St & Broadway Guy to friend: She said I smelled like shit and I said, "what like, asshole?" –59th St & Lexington Girl on phone: Your hands smell like what? Your hands smell like urine? Why would you say that? –Brooklyn College Hobo on overcrowded train: Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Homeless Ed, and I am homeless, and I smell like shit. If any of you can spare some change so I can buy some deodorant, it would be greatly appreciated. –Downtown A Train Overheard by: christopher james Female grad student on cell: Have you ever done the inter-borough walk of shame smelling like penis? –Columbia University Overheard by: Ladle Conductor: This is East Broadway station, and something smells yummy. –F Train

The Wednesday One-Liner That Never Sleeps

20-something girl to friend: I'm sorry, but what is the big fucking deal with eating on the sidewalk? Back courtyard? Sure. Rooftop? Fuck, yeah! But the fucking sidewalk? Homeless people up in my face. Loud trucks up in my ears. Carcinogens up in my lungs. I mean… really? New Yorkers are all fucked up. –2nd Ave b/w 6th & 7th Overheard by: Dodd Loomis Ditzy blond tourist: New York is the most foreign place in America I've ever been to! –F Train Overheard by: Chelsea S. Indian guy on phone: I don't wanna be like the Bengali fob! I'm gonna show up and be like the original New York gangsta! –B61 Bus Bar customer to table next to him: I need to visit New York, everyone that visits is always happy. Everyone that lives here in New York is always miserable. –Chambers St Little boy, with great excitement: I just tripped in New York City! –Times Square