Hoochie with kids on cell: They gave me four pills for when my period comes on… (looks at cashier) Um… They said it's gonna flood.
Cashier cutie: Looks like the flood gates already opened.
–CVS Pharmacy
Overheard by: Heater
Archive for the ‘Hootchies’ Category
I'm Not a Wednesday One-Liner — You're a Turkey!
Hootchie, about subway smell: It smells like gooood chicken in here. Like McDonald's.
–86th St Subway Platform
Overheard by: EthanK
Barnard girl, indignantly: Chickens don't have thighs!
–Columbia University
Overheard by: The Thighless Wonder
Kid to friends: Oh, shit! I forgot there's a chicken in my backpack!
–Canal St Subway Station
Overheard by: Mel
Cracked out lady on one crutch to cashier: Do you guys still carry like, hamburgers and chicken sandwiches and stuff?
–McDonald's
Overheard by: Ben
Perspiring panhandler on definitely non-organic substances holding a can and singing: I love chickennn…chicken breastsss and thighhhs…chicken heads…mmmmmmm…I love them goooood (keeps going) Thank you. (extends his can for donations)
–7 Train
Overheard by: OG Bergenfield
Woman on phone with friend: I mean he wouldn't even cut my chicken in half for me at dinner. I was all givin' him shit for it. We got in this fight and I told him, "That's what people do to show each other that they care! They cut each other's chicken in half or make them a can of soup or whateva'!" You know what I'm sayin'?
–88th St & Broadway
Wednesday One-Liner Often Wonder How It Started To Be Spelled That Way
Girl: …well it stopped working 'cause it got cum in it.
–W 27th St
Chick: I'm starving. The only protein I've had all day is an accidental cum shot to the face earlier this morning.
–SoHo
Guy to friends: If y'all was to really write it down and make a… a food chain of all of who used to date who, and who's dating who now, I bet you y'all got all the same juices running up in y'all system.
–2 Train
Overheard by: Kosi
Passing guy on cell: All I'm saying is everyone should have control over where their sperm goes.
–7th Ave
Hoochie on cell : Because I manage to get very juicy.
–L Train
Drunk girl at restaurant holding a champagne bottle: Excuse me, sir, can you open this for me? I'm afraid it's going to cum everywhere.
–Kaleidoscope, E 10th St
College dude: I bet there's semen somewhere on this grass.
–Great Lawn, Central Park
Overheard by: Liz
St. Christopher’s Starting to Get Ragged Around the Edges
Creepy hobo: May you reach your destination in safety.
Hoochie: Scuse me?
Creepy hobo: May you reach your destination in safety.
Hoochie, cheerily: Thank you, sweetie!
–Outside Pacific Street Station
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
Don’t Get Your Wednesday One-Liners in a Bunch
Young lawyer: My little boy finally made the transition from diapers to "big boy" underwear. On his first day back to pre-school he dropped his trousers and showed the whole class his lightning McQueens.
Young lawyer: … And it created a domino effect of three-year-olds showing their undies.
–6 Train
Overheard by: POLA
Chick on cell: Better underwear than meth!
–Harlem
Overheard by: McFreaky
Boyfriend to girlfriend looking at lingerie in window: It’s kind of cold for that.
–University & 9th
Overheard by: Mary Crippen
Skank: So I’m thinking "Now I’ve got to get rid of those panties!"
–54th & 9th
Overheard by: thats gross
Earnest teen chick, calling to retreating waitress: Do you sell thongs? I’m serious, I really need them!
–Hard Rock Cafe, Times Square
Overheard by: Amanda
Man getting into elevator: … And she was all like "Hi, whatchu doin’?" And I was like "Whaaaat?" I didn’t know what to say, she was all over me, I could see her panties. [Everyone in elevator looks at him and laughs a little.] I mean, come on, we’re all adults in here. What was I supposed to do? Smile? Say "Hi" back?
–Elevator, Empire State Building
Thank God the Wednesday One-Liners’ Strike Is Over
Chick on cell: We can’t let Blair and Tootie control our lives!
–LIRR
Overheard by: Poogins
Homeless crazy black guy to three scared white girls in their twenties: Time is crazy. Oh man, what time is "Desperate Housewives" on?!
–10th Street & 3rd Ave
Large latino: Yo, it was so good last night, I mean I can’t believe you missed it. It was the best episode I’ve seen yet, seriously bro… Well the main thing that happened was Heidi tried to apologize to LC and she was all like: "I wanna forget you!" I was like: "Whaaaaaat? For real?" It was crazy, you gotta catch it!
–Times Square Office Building
Overheard by: SUSAN
Redhead: The "Brady Bunch" world is a world without urges.
–Veniero’s, 11th St between 1st & 2nd
Overheard by: Ursula & Winifred
Muscular guy: He comes up to me talking all this shit, saying that he’ll bring it. Bring what? He’s not gangsta like I am, he ain’t thug like me. Skinny motherfucka looks like a damn burnt-out Screech.
–On the Bus
Fulsome girl with bad dye job: I’m like: "I watch ‘Law and Order: SVU’, I’m not getting in your van."
–15th between 6th and 7th
Overheard by: Disunionsquare
Aries Spears, in line for an Ashlee Simpson autograph: I’m the black guy from MADtv! [Grabs a random girl's camera and snaps a picture of them together and walks away.]
–Virgin Mobile Mega Store, Times Square
The Disease of Absolute Power
Hoochie #1: I can’t believe you did that!
Hoochie #2: I know, but he’s the president.
Hoochie #1: But you could get a disease or something!
Hoochie #2: Yeah, I know, but…
–Times Square
Overheard by: Haha are you kidding me…
Wednesday One-Liners, by Calvin Klein
Girl yelling to friend across street: Hey, guess what? I smelled it! I smelled it from here!
–Fordham University
Blonde on cell: So, I just took my hair down, and all I smelled was Dove and crack.
–JFK
Overheard by: spanky
Man to no one: It smells like my ex-wife in here!
–Highline Ballroom
Hootchie on cell: No joke — it smelled ripe down there. I be all, ‘Jimmy… D-A-M-N! I’m too busy gagging from the smell to gag on your bits.’
–W Broadway
Girl crying on cell to boyfriend: How could you fuck her?! Her pussy stinks!
–Union Square
Overheard by: SplendidConfusion
Thug on cell: Yo, I’m sure she smells better now, bro!
–Harlem Meer, Central Park
Overheard by: mj
Like Dogs?
Jamaican nanny on cell: Girl, I just got back from a four day vacation. Where? My bed. We fucked nonstop for four days like dogs. I couldn’t even get out to take a shit.
Mother: Excuse me, there are children around.
Jamaican nanny: Fuck the children!
–Food Emporium, UWS
Overheard by: Dan
Or Simply Consult My College Admissions Essay
20-something girl: Seriously, I love it when guys cum on my face.
20-something guy: Really?
20-something girl: Yeah, you can ask anyone.
–Greenpoint Ave & Manhattan Ave
Overheard by: Yael