Professor: Apologies to everyone in advance, I seem to have the plague this week.
Student: Are you contagiously ill, or have you been on antibiotics for at least twenty-four hours?
Professor: No, not contagiously ill. It's nothing like H1N1 or anything, not that kind of plague. It's more of a the-crops-are-failing-and-women-are-giving-birth-to-stillborn-babies type of plague. Yeah.
–Fordham University Lincoln Center
Overheard by: Admiring Student
Archive for the ‘Illness’ Category
Control-Alt-Wednesday One-Liners
Lady with no teeth to bathroom attendant: I love your sparkly eyeshadow! The doctor who did my second abortion had the same eyeshadow!
–Public Restroom, Bryant Park
Overheard by: Slydell
Girl on cell: I would rather have diabetes than get an abortion.
–Columbia University
Overheard by: Kári Emil
Asian hipster girl: Abortion, abortion, abortion, Aids!
–NYU Dorm
Overheard by: i'll take the next elevator
Teen on cell: I've never been a fan of abortion, but if we could just make this little mistake go away.
–Penn Station
Hipster girl to friends: I mean, I think it should be a choice. Like, I'm not pro-abortion. Actually, I am pro-abortion. I think we should all have been aborted. Our parents made the wrong choice.
–2 Train
Guy on cell: I've pooped in the bushes and an abortion clinic, but never on the floor.
–The Gate, Park Slope
Overheard by: Nathan
Starbucks Blended Drinks Finally Jump the Shark.
Teen guy: It smells like diarrhea.
Teen girl: Yeah, after someone fucked it.
Teen guy: It smells all sugary and sweet.
–Times Square
Overheard by: Jennie
Where's Wednesday One-Liner's Busy Bee? It Needs Its Busy Bee!!
Crazy older guy to lady in park with barking dog: Lady, you keep that dog quiet! That dog is better-looking than you are.
–W 63rd & West End
Overheard by: Beez and Newb
Guy in red shirt: You make me feel so pedophilic when I tell you about violating my dog.
–Central Park
Man on cell: You're always saying your dog is sick! "My dog has diarrhea! I can't come out!"
–Fulton & Broadway
Overheard by: would you rather she have it?
Black kid to white couple walking poodle: I've only seen dogs like that in movies.
–Harlem
Overheard by: Poodle Lady
Girl on cell: So I'm getting off the a and I see this tall girl and I know her! So I'm like "Sarah?" and she's like "I haven't seen you since middle school!" and she cut all her hair off and she's like "When did you dye your hair black?" and my hair's soooo not black! But I saw Sarah! You know, the one whose cat tried to eat my toes off that one time! So we talked and then there was this lady who was totally tossing chow all over the place! Hello! Trash can right there—hold up, I gotta go, I see a Weiner dog!
–72nd St & Central Park West
There's No Pill for What Wednesday One-Liners Have
Nervous hipster: You know, it's really true what they say about friends with eczema…
–50th & 8th
Overheard by: chris
Guy on cell: So she got cancer, big fuckin deal!
–1st Ave & St. Mark's
Man on cell: Next time they call, just politely say there's no one here with diabetes.
–Central Park
Overheard by: Lola Black
Woman exiting car: There's this bump between my ass and cooch. I think I should get that checked.
–W 4th St
20-something guy to 40-something woman: Look, I'm not saying I'm not concerned about my hand being sticky, but I'm more concerned about malaria.
–Café
A Nasty Twist on The Three Little Pigs
Boy teen geek: You know when you push out too much shit you get hemorrhoids?
Girl teen geek: Yeah.
Boy teen geek: Well, that's what he did, pushed out too much shit and got nothing but hemorrhoids!
–Q Train
Overheard by: Blue
That, and Standing Next to You Makes Me Look Thinner.
College girl #1: I don't want a flesh-eating disease.
College girl #2: Me either.
College girl #3: Yeah, me either.
College girl #1: Wow, we have so much in common! No wonder we're friends.
–Fordham University
Overheard by: Sromeo
Wednesday One-Liners Symbolically Take Back the Power
Black dude to friend: Well, check this out my nigga! Cracking your knuckles does not lead to arthritis… Mythbusters, my nigga!
–Park Slope
Black pimp on cell: That nigger ain't even give you a little nigga baby. All that nigga ever do is just fuck you and leave your ass, bitch. You got a child yoself, take care of your real nigga baby, because that's the nigga who keeps with you. That nigga won't fuck any other sluts. (notices everybody's staring at him) What the fuck y'all niggas lookin at?
–Social Security Office, East Village
Would-be feminist: Pussy don't have no power no more, because if it did, niggas wouldn't be doin' what they do.
–Jefferson Ave & Throop Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Jocasta Spell
Polish woman, walking up to group of ghetto fabs: Yo' wut up, my niggas? (pounds fist with ghetto fab guy)
–Delancy St
Overheard by: Kirkegaard
Crazy black man on phone: When you talk like that I'm gonna call you the N-word! (pause) Don't talk like that! (pause) I want to have sex with you.
–Murray Hill
Wednesday One-Liner Is Murder
Black man: I can never watch you eat sausage again. It was the most awkwardly erotic thing I've ever seen. It was the perfect combination of food and female.
–Pratt Coffee Shop, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Maryrose
Boy to friend: And then the teacher said: "and that's the history of ham"!
–Queens
Overheard by: alex
Young woman on cell: Well, I would go to Gray's for hot dogs with you, but I can't. I gave up tubed meat for lent.
–Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Caroline
Cute teen girl: It'd be like a floppy bag of meat… (pause) I'm not talking about dick!
–Starbucks
Woman placing drive-thru order: And two junior bacon cheeseburgers. Actually, I don't want the bacon. I don't want to get the swine flu.
–Wendy's Drivethru, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Oh the Pig-manity!
Upset Orthodox Jew mother to baby in stroller: Bacon!? Who told you about bacon!?
–West End & West 100th St
Fifth: Dick.
Young woman #1, before movie starts: I'm gonna go.
Young woman #2: Why? Don't go.
Young woman #1: I'm gonna meet up with my man.
Young woman #2: Come on! Don't you want to stay for the movie?
Young woman #1: I'm gonna leave now cause: first of all… booty call. Second of all… dick. Third of all… dick. Fourth… my man is sick and I have Tums with me.
–Movie, Bryant Park