Archive for the ‘Illness’ Category

Welcome to the Dark Semester Of the Soul, Bitches

Professor: Apologies to everyone in advance, I seem to have the plague this week.
Student: Are you contagiously ill, or have you been on antibiotics for at least twenty-four hours?
Professor: No, not contagiously ill. It's nothing like H1N1 or anything, not that kind of plague. It's more of a the-crops-are-failing-and-women-are-giving-birth-to-stillborn-babies type of plague. Yeah. –Fordham University Lincoln Center Overheard by: Admiring Student

This Is a Drawing of a Teapot, Ma’am

Pharmacist, coming out from behind counter: So how can I help you?
British tourish: Well, I have a headache and a bit of a sore throat and [pulls out piece of paper, shows to pharmacist] I am not sure, but I think this is illegal in the United States. –Duane Reade, 47th & Lexington Overheard by: EthanK

Which One's the “Smart” Friend? Show Your Work.

Girl #1: I am just not a fan of the Jonas Brothers.
Girl #2: I don't know, the one with cancer is pretty cute.
Girl #1: What? I don't think any of them have cancer…
Girl #2: Yeah, the youngest one.
Girl #1: He doesn't have cancer, he has diabetes.
Girl #2: Oh, right! Because if he had cancer, he wouldn't have all that hair. –Washington Square Park

Wednesday One-Liner Is Murder

Black man: I can never watch you eat sausage again. It was the most awkwardly erotic thing I've ever seen. It was the perfect combination of food and female. –Pratt Coffee Shop, Brooklyn Overheard by: Maryrose Boy to friend: And then the teacher said: "and that's the history of ham"! –Queens Overheard by: alex Young woman on cell: Well, I would go to Gray's for hot dogs with you, but I can't. I gave up tubed meat for lent. –Washington Square Park Overheard by: Caroline Cute teen girl: It'd be like a floppy bag of meat… (pause) I'm not talking about dick! –Starbucks Woman placing drive-thru order: And two junior bacon cheeseburgers. Actually, I don't want the bacon. I don't want to get the swine flu. –Wendy's Drivethru, Brooklyn Overheard by: Oh the Pig-manity! Upset Orthodox Jew mother to baby in stroller: Bacon!? Who told you about bacon!? –West End & West 100th St

But There's Just One Where I Get All My News From

Coworker #1: Wow, I can't believe the space shuttle exploded.
Coworker #2: That's what they get.
Coworker #1: What!?
Coworker #2: Who told them to go into space? That's what they get for flying in the face of god!
Coworker #1: What the hell are you talking about?
Coworker #2: They shouldn't be there. Why do you think every time the space shuttle comes back there are new diseases and shit!
Coworker #1: So you're saying there is life in space!?
Coworker #3: It's true, it's true! They're coming out with new types of onions every day! –Retail Store Stockroom, Manhattan

Wednesday H1N1-Liners

Sick girl: I probably don't have swine flu…but I was in Brooklyn last night. –90th St & Lexington Overheard by: UESider Woman on cell: What's with this pig virus thing going around? It's killing people in Mexico, Europe, here in Queens… (pause) Do that many people eat bacon? –55th & Madison Overheard by: Jesus Jon High school student, watching overheated and smoking car: What the fuck is this shit?! Dat nigga's muffler got dat swine flu! –M86 Bus Overheard by: Ben Hipster guy on cell: Oh, your enthusiasm is just like the swine flu! –22nd St & Broadway Overheard by: BL Amateur rapper, walking down street: If you got the swine flu, bitch, stay outta my hood! Cause the sun it is shinin' and I'm feelin' so good. –188th St & Washington Ave Hipster guy: Abby is a total germophobe. She was like, "what have you eaten lately?" and I was like, "a raw pig from Mexico. Is that bad?" –76th St & 3rd Ave

M.E.: I’d Say She’s Been Dead All Weekend

Guy #1: Dude, are you going to that party this weekend?
Guy #2: Oh, yeah. My girlfriend has been sick all week. She was, like, throwing up and coughing up a lung yesterday. I told her, ‘You better not get me fucking sick. I am not missing this party. I will seriously kick your ass if you get me sick.’
Guy #1: What did she say?
Guy #2: I don’t know. She fell asleep or something. –Lincoln Center

Wednesday One-Liners Hope It’s Just Ketchup

Worried suit: Oh, good. I was hoping you would call. Uh yes…I’ve had bloody stool twice in the past two weeks… Yes, the blood is around it…I don’t know. What do you advise? –McGraw-Hill Building, Rockefeller Center Overheard by: HELP! I’m in the cube across from him Woman to male companion: I don’t give a shit about no fucking white people, they can suck my bloody pussy. My shit is all bloody and nasty, but I changed my drawers and shit. At least I don’t just rinse it out and hang it in front of a fan… –G Train One-eyed Armenian worker, pointing to sample bottle of Vampire wine: Would you like a taste of this wine? It’s half blood, but only the blood of pretty girls, I only drink pretty girls. –Liquor Store, 10th St & 2nd Ave MTA cop to blood drive employee: You want blood? I’ll give you blood. Just not from my arm, if you know what I mean. –Penn Station Bro: If it looks like blood, it coagulates like blood. –6 Train Girl on cell: How was Vicky’s sweet 16? [couple of seconds later] Was the blood from your nose or your ass? –36th St & Broadway, Astoria Overheard by: Cody