Archive for the ‘Illness’ Category

Wednesdays Wish They Could Be More Like One-Liners

White teenage boy to black teenage boy: She thinks I am a rapist or something.
(black teenage boy giggles) Which I am cool with, you know what I mean?

–Bay Ridge Ave & 4th Ave

Brunette Guido girl: Ohmigosh, you would love this girl, she's like, the only cool blonde person. This one time she was just like "Dude, can we just do the peace-and-love thing? Cause, I don't know how to fight."

–LIRR

Overheard by: whaaasgood

Fashion intern: I had swine flu last year, before it was cool.

–Cafeteria, Hearst Tower

Overheard by: interns are our future

Bike rider on phone, walking with girlfriend: I don't have his number, but you can call Tom* and go down there. Those guys are pretty cool. You can just go down there and give them a prostate massage.

–Riverside Park

Welcome to the Dark Semester Of the Soul, Bitches

Professor: Apologies to everyone in advance, I seem to have the plague this week.
Student: Are you contagiously ill, or have you been on antibiotics for at least twenty-four hours?
Professor: No, not contagiously ill. It's nothing like H1N1 or anything, not that kind of plague. It's more of a the-crops-are-failing-and-women-are-giving-birth-to-stillborn-babies type of plague. Yeah.

–Fordham University Lincoln Center

Overheard by: Admiring Student

Control-Alt-Wednesday One-Liners

Lady with no teeth to bathroom attendant: I love your sparkly eyeshadow! The doctor who did my second abortion had the same eyeshadow!

–Public Restroom, Bryant Park

Overheard by: Slydell

Girl on cell: I would rather have diabetes than get an abortion.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Kári Emil

Asian hipster girl: Abortion, abortion, abortion, Aids!

–NYU Dorm

Overheard by: i'll take the next elevator

Teen on cell: I've never been a fan of abortion, but if we could just make this little mistake go away.

–Penn Station

Hipster girl to friends: I mean, I think it should be a choice. Like, I'm not pro-abortion. Actually, I am pro-abortion. I think we should all have been aborted. Our parents made the wrong choice.

–2 Train

Guy on cell: I've pooped in the bushes and an abortion clinic, but never on the floor.

–The Gate, Park Slope

Overheard by: Nathan

Where's Wednesday One-Liner's Busy Bee? It Needs Its Busy Bee!!

Crazy older guy to lady in park with barking dog: Lady, you keep that dog quiet! That dog is better-looking than you are.

–W 63rd & West End

Overheard by: Beez and Newb

Guy in red shirt: You make me feel so pedophilic when I tell you about violating my dog.

–Central Park

Man on cell: You're always saying your dog is sick! "My dog has diarrhea! I can't come out!"

–Fulton & Broadway

Overheard by: would you rather she have it?

Black kid to white couple walking poodle: I've only seen dogs like that in movies.

–Harlem

Overheard by: Poodle Lady

Girl on cell: So I'm getting off the a and I see this tall girl and I know her! So I'm like "Sarah?" and she's like "I haven't seen you since middle school!" and she cut all her hair off and she's like "When did you dye your hair black?" and my hair's soooo not black! But I saw Sarah! You know, the one whose cat tried to eat my toes off that one time! So we talked and then there was this lady who was totally tossing chow all over the place! Hello! Trash can right there—hold up, I gotta go, I see a Weiner dog!

–72nd St & Central Park West

There's No Pill for What Wednesday One-Liners Have

Nervous hipster: You know, it's really true what they say about friends with eczema…

–50th & 8th

Overheard by: chris

Guy on cell: So she got cancer, big fuckin deal!

–1st Ave & St. Mark's

Man on cell: Next time they call, just politely say there's no one here with diabetes.

–Central Park

Overheard by: Lola Black

Woman exiting car: There's this bump between my ass and cooch. I think I should get that checked.

–W 4th St

20-something guy to 40-something woman: Look, I'm not saying I'm not concerned about my hand being sticky, but I'm more concerned about malaria.

–Café