Archive for the ‘Illness’ Category

Doctor, It Hurts When I Wednesday My One-Liners!

White college girl: I would definitely want to be a doctor, if I didn't have to go to medical school.

–Fordham University

Nurse to another: Well, it seems that the themes of the day were UTIs and pregnancies.

–NYU Student Health Center

Overheard by: had neither

Black male pre-teen to mother: I know all about doctors, 'cause I watch shows about that. (pause) Actually, I watch Dr Phil.

–1 Train

Guy to two girls: I had to fire my doctor, I didn't like what he told me.

–39th & Lexington

Doctor, drawing on napkin and displaying results to student: This is you…in 40 years, in a fugue state. In Turkey. Dissociative fugue–learn neurology!

–168th & Fort Washington

Over Seizure Salads

Drunk middle aged lawyer: Okay, okay, here's one…what's the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a prostitute with diarrhea?
Sober man: I'm afraid to ask.
Drunk middle aged lawyer: One shucks between fits! Haw haw haw haw. (stumbles off).
Sober man to puzzled-looking woman: I'll explain it to you later.

–Alumni Cocktail Party, Brooklyn Law School

Overheard by: Big Larry

Take Wednesday One-Liners and Call Me in the Morning

Dude on cell: I have meningitis! I have SARS! (several people look at him in concern) That's what you tell them! Just get out of doing it somehow!

–Amtrak Train, Penn Station

Overheard by: Momentarily Panicked

Irate old lady on cell: What are you talking about? She's supposed to be taking the train. (pause) What? The flu? Tell her to shove it up, I'm getting really sick of this. What kind of flu? Does she have diarrhea? A fever? Is she sneezing, coughing?

–W 66th St

Overheard by: Susan Volchok

Woman to husband: Deaf people can't hear.

–MoMA

Whiny preteen: Mom, I have diabetes. I'm not even playing around right now–I have diabetes.

–Marquis Theatre

Overheard by: Just here to see the show…

Girl on phone: I don't think I have rabies…do you think I have rabies?

–Columbia University

Dunkin' Donuts employee, sneezing near donuts, to customer: Don't worry, I work better when I'm sick.

–Dunkin' Donuts

Wednesday One-Liners Keep It Real

Girl sleeping in art class: Tony the Tiger, I wish you were real.

–LaGuardia Arts

Thug to friend: Yo, man, Tourette's is real! They've got it on MTV and everything!

–LIRR

Ditzy-sounding chick on cell: Should I buy some heart-shaped sunglasses? (pause) Why not? (pause) Should I buy some sunglasses that look like real glasses to make me look smart? (pause) Shut the hell up!

–St. Mark's Place

Guy at party: So then I said, "it takes a real man to take a nine inch cock in the ass!"

–13th St & 1st Ave

Overheard by: kdub

Young woman, yelling at a bus stop ad for Bret Michael's New Rock of Love: Just stop it! You're not even a real person!

–42nd b/w 6th & 7th

Overheard by: Couldn't agree more