Archive for the ‘JAPs’ Category

Coming Soon to Reality TV: Homicide or Furry Ride?

JAP #1: Oh my god, did you hear about what Aaron wrote on Brittany's Facebook wall?
JAP #2: Oh my god, yeah, that's like, disgusting. Like, she looks like a fucking koala.
JAP #1: Totally. Like, who wants to date a tree climbing marsupial?
JAP #2: Fuck no! I'd rather kill my brother!

–Saks Fifth Avenue

How Many Weight Watchers Points Are in a Wednesday One-Liner?

NYU JAP on phone to mother (enraged): Ugh, mom! No! Wearing seasonally inappropriate outerwear will not make me sweat and lose weight!

–NYU Silver Center

Overheard by: Maeve

Woman in line with friend at Duane Reade, reading can of energy drink: Wait. There's carbs in here? Like bread carbs? Carbs are bread, right? Cause when people go on, like, a low carb diet, they don't eat any bread, right? But I still don't understand why there's bread in here. Whatever. It doesn't even taste like bread.

–Duane Reade

10-year-old kid to friend: So you're a year older than me, but you're 20 pounds lighter? That's fucked up.

–Christopher St & Waverly Place

Overheard by: sharknife

Girl: You know how some people are social drinkers? I'm a social eater.

–NYU

Overheard by: ninja z

Asian fashionista: Yeah, I think I'm like a size 12 in boys.

–Conde Nast Building

Overheard by: jackattack

Loud guy on cell: Actually, I can't be bulimic anymore because I have no gag reflex. I've been sucking too much cock.

–34th & 7th Ave

Overheard by: Alis

Wednesday One-Liners for Bernardo and the Sharks

Chica on cell: He was just white. Like, a white guy. Except Puerto Rican.

–Park Terrace West, Inwood

Overheard by: Gringo Starr

Puerto Rican thug to another, both wearing Puerto Rican flag bandanas as face masks: White people better get used to us. There be like 80 billion of us in the world… Or maybe 8 thousand of us…at least.

–F Train

Overheard by: Brent

Teen on cell: Wait, you're in Puerto Rico? I'll be right there, that's by Chinatown, right? What do you mean it's an island? Like Staten Island? How the fuck did you get there?

–Colombus Circle

Overheard by: Graham Davis

JAP on phone: He called me a clingy JAP! How fucking low! I could've easily pulled the "you're-a-Puerto-Rican-from-Staten-Island" card.

–92nd & 5th

Guy (shouting): Hey guys! You like Puerto Ricans?!

–Times Square

Overheard by: CytoFox

Dad on scooter with eight-year-old girl: I don't want to hear that… Don't fuckin' push me, Joanna! You are not black, you are Puerto Rican!

–Flatbush & Fulton

Overheard by: Chelsea

Wednesday One-Liners Are One Baaaad Mother– Shut Yo' Mouth!

Cute JAP talking about all the stuff she gets: I don't need a man, I have my mom.

–Rare View Bar

Overheard by: white guy

Blonde girl to male friend: Listen, John. Fifteen minutes, your mom. Fifteen minutes, your mom.

–R Train

Annoying 40-something new mom: A good mom always has a diaper in her pocket!

–Barnes & Noble, 18th & 5th

Overheard by: I Am McLovey

Coworker: I got a bootleg mother.

–Midtown

Window-shopping tourist to wife: Look, honey! It's the dress your mother wore when they buried her!

–Union Square

Overheard by: CJ

Guy: I go over to the house for Mother's Day and she yells at me for not calling her for Mother's Day like my brother did. So I go outside and call her from my cell and say "happy Mother's Day!" and she yells at me for being an idiot.

–37th & 7th

In the 70s They Called That a 'Nose Job'.

JAP: I did the whole Manhattan/Long Island/Westchester Jew thing this year.
Guy: How’d that work out?
JAP: I think I’m going to cut that phase in my life.

–NYU

Overheard by: A. Pincus

Headline by: Still got my original nose.

Runners-Up:
· “By Which I Mean the Inside Of My Thigh” – Tadzio
· “I Realized I Can Keep the Sense Of Entitlement Without All That Extra Work.” – stoobydoo
· “I Think Hitler Tried That Already….” – Sarah Booz
· “I’ll Tell the Guy Who’s Ghost-Writing My Autobiography Later Today” – Louis
· “JAP Code for I Was Slutty and Need an Abortion” – Casual Observer
· “Sort Of a “Lifestyle Bris”” – Chris


Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Wednesday One-Liner, Huh! What Is It Good For?

JAP on cell: If more people wore glitter there would no war.

–Therapy Store

Crazy old guy: I want a dog for president. You know why? Dogs don't start wars.

–31St & Ditmars, Astoria

Overheard by: Randi and Patrick

(at an anti-war rally)
Street vendor
: Say no to war, say yes to Louis Vuitton!


–Midtown

Overheard by: Oh the irony

50-something guy on cell: You see, we are a military agency, not a government agency. (pause) So when I punched out that Homeland Security guy, I punched out a civilian.

–Union Square Park

Overheard by: Ksenia

Eight-year-old boy: I dare you to fight in the civil war!

–7 Train