Archive for the ‘JAPs’ Category

How Many Weight Watchers Points Are in a Wednesday One-Liner?

NYU JAP on phone to mother (enraged): Ugh, mom! No! Wearing seasonally inappropriate outerwear will not make me sweat and lose weight!

–NYU Silver Center

Overheard by: Maeve

Woman in line with friend at Duane Reade, reading can of energy drink: Wait. There's carbs in here? Like bread carbs? Carbs are bread, right? Cause when people go on, like, a low carb diet, they don't eat any bread, right? But I still don't understand why there's bread in here. Whatever. It doesn't even taste like bread.

–Duane Reade

10-year-old kid to friend: So you're a year older than me, but you're 20 pounds lighter? That's fucked up.

–Christopher St & Waverly Place

Overheard by: sharknife

Girl: You know how some people are social drinkers? I'm a social eater.

–NYU

Overheard by: ninja z

Asian fashionista: Yeah, I think I'm like a size 12 in boys.

–Conde Nast Building

Overheard by: jackattack

Loud guy on cell: Actually, I can't be bulimic anymore because I have no gag reflex. I've been sucking too much cock.

–34th & 7th Ave

Overheard by: Alis

Wednesday One-Liners Are One Baaaad Mother– Shut Yo' Mouth!

Cute JAP talking about all the stuff she gets: I don't need a man, I have my mom.

–Rare View Bar

Overheard by: white guy

Blonde girl to male friend: Listen, John. Fifteen minutes, your mom. Fifteen minutes, your mom.

–R Train

Annoying 40-something new mom: A good mom always has a diaper in her pocket!

–Barnes & Noble, 18th & 5th

Overheard by: I Am McLovey

Coworker: I got a bootleg mother.

–Midtown

Window-shopping tourist to wife: Look, honey! It's the dress your mother wore when they buried her!

–Union Square

Overheard by: CJ

Guy: I go over to the house for Mother's Day and she yells at me for not calling her for Mother's Day like my brother did. So I go outside and call her from my cell and say "happy Mother's Day!" and she yells at me for being an idiot.

–37th & 7th

In the 70s They Called That a 'Nose Job'.

JAP: I did the whole Manhattan/Long Island/Westchester Jew thing this year.
Guy: How’d that work out?
JAP: I think I’m going to cut that phase in my life.

–NYU

Overheard by: A. Pincus

Headline by: Still got my original nose.

Runners-Up:
· “By Which I Mean the Inside Of My Thigh” – Tadzio
· “I Realized I Can Keep the Sense Of Entitlement Without All That Extra Work.” – stoobydoo
· “I Think Hitler Tried That Already….” – Sarah Booz
· “I’ll Tell the Guy Who’s Ghost-Writing My Autobiography Later Today” – Louis
· “JAP Code for I Was Slutty and Need an Abortion” – Casual Observer
· “Sort Of a “Lifestyle Bris”” – Chris


Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Wednesday One-Liner, Huh! What Is It Good For?

JAP on cell: If more people wore glitter there would no war.

–Therapy Store

Crazy old guy: I want a dog for president. You know why? Dogs don't start wars.

–31St & Ditmars, Astoria

Overheard by: Randi and Patrick

(at an anti-war rally)
Street vendor
: Say no to war, say yes to Louis Vuitton!


–Midtown

Overheard by: Oh the irony

50-something guy on cell: You see, we are a military agency, not a government agency. (pause) So when I punched out that Homeland Security guy, I punched out a civilian.

–Union Square Park

Overheard by: Ksenia

Eight-year-old boy: I dare you to fight in the civil war!

–7 Train

Drink Deep, or Taste Not the Wednesday One-Liners!

Fabulous woman: That’s all vodka under the bridge.

–55 Bar

Overheard by: Girl Margaret

Huge man to small child trying to participate in conversation: No, son, we’re not talking about your school–we’re talking about Bam! You trying to get all up in the Kool-Aid, but you don’t even know the flavor.

–C Train

Drunk girl, accidentally taking swig of vodka instead of water: This wetness is spicy!

–Bergen St, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Gnomies

Skinny teen: I wish they made diet water.

–Times Square

JAP: I’d like a Pellegrino.

–Hooters

Middle-aged suit yelling into cell: No- I want to see you drink the bong water!

–Port Authority

Overheard by: Me Too…

So Many Possible “Jam” and “Spread” Jokes–The Mind Reels

JAP #1: I hate boys who won’t kiss you after you go down on them.
JAP #2: Yeah, I know. But I don’t kiss boys after they go down on me.
JAP #1: That’s awful! If he can handle it, you should too.
JAP #2: But it’s so bitter! I’m just saying: if they sold a jam the flavor of my vagina, I would not buy it.

–27th & 5th