Archive for the ‘Jesus’ Category

So You Know His Father Was No Help

Older Puerto Rican woman: Did you hear about the story of the Dominican woman who locked up her son for 25 years?
(disinterested friend shakes head)
Older Puerto Rican woman: He was gorgeous… beautiful. You know who he looked like?
Disinterested friend: Who?
Older Puerto Rican woman: Jesus Christ! –106th St & 3rd Ave

Infernal Wednesday One-Liners

Protestant street preacher with mic: You’re going down the Broadway to Hell. –42nd & 8th Subway preacher: When you buy a tree and put that in your house, and when you put all the presents under the tree, that’s all for Satan, not for Jesus. One day I was thinking about how the name Santa looks familiar, and I’m thinking to myself, Goddammit… No, wait, sorry. I’m thinking to myself, Santa… No, that’s Satan. You see? They kept the S but they just changed all the rest of the letters around. –Brooklyn-bound C train Overheard by: P. Mills Suit on cell: The only thing is, she’s so innocent. I need someone to curse at me and spit in my face. I need some rough, yelling-at-each-other sex. I’m like Satan and she’s the Virgin Mary. –Metro-North train, Grand Central Hardhat: I don’t know if I’m going to heaven; I don’t know if I’m going to hell… All I know is I have to change at Jamaica. –LIRR Overheard by: Rob Yuppie woman talking to herself: The devil is a liar — a fucking liar! –Outside Lincoln Plaza Theatre Overheard by: SLC kid Teacher: I’m going to burn in Hell for this… Wait! I’m Jewish! I don’t believe in Hell! I’m not going to burn! Yay! –Hunter College High

Has the Westboro Baptist Church Heard This News?

Mother of 8-year-old: I don't mind that my son is so into zombies, Jesus was a zombie technically. After all, it's a healthy way for him to find our religion.
Mother of 10-year-old: I never thought about it that way. (to son) Joseph, do you like zombies? –1 Train Overheard by: sarah-Jaana Nodell