Archive for the ‘Jews’ Category

Wednesday One-Liners Would Like to Thank the Academy

Sassy eight-year-old to mother: You don't know Spanish except what you learned from Selena. –2 Train Chick on cell: Watching 27 Dresses in a cheetah robe… –110th & Broadway Overheard by: Virginia Little boy, as his mother asks for directions: Great, we're lost in New York City. It's like Home Alone! –Across from Spamalot Theatre Fag to hag: Don't you remember that time on Titanic when Leonardo DiCaprio told you not to just talk about it, but do it? He was gonna teach you how to spit like a man and ride a horse like a man, and then the ship sank and he died. This is your moment. Spit, woman, spit! –Natural History Museum (at a screening of The Shining)
Woman: Haha! How can a ghost open a door? This movie sucks! –Empire-Fulton Ferry State Park Thug to another: And she said she wanna go to the movies. And I said I don't wanna go to the movies, I want some pussy! –57th & 9th Overheard by: JPM Panhandler on train: Please, I can't afford the rent at the YMCA because they just raised it. So if anyone has some money or some food or something to drink, it would really help me out. Jesus loves people who help poor people. Also, don't forget to see the new summer blockbuster Hellboy II. It's really great. –F Train Overheard by: JB

As Good a Jew As You Are a Baptist, Sweetie

Ghetto black lesbian: Look, you are Time Magazine’s Person of the Year.
Jewish lesbian: That is so lame.
Ghetto black lesbian, picking up a card instead: What does ‘shalom’ mean? Does anybody know what ‘shalom’ means?
Jewish lesbian: You are asking the wrong Jew.
Ghetto black lesbian: What kind of Jew are you? What good are you? –Duane Reade, Broadway & Reade Overheard by: Just trying to buy some cards

An Omniscient God Doesn’t Need Functionaries

21-year-old Jewish guy #1: Is Jesus a saint?
Male Christian friend: He’s Jesus. He’s, like, the president of the saints.
21-year-old Jewish guy #1: Then who’s the treasurer?
Female Christian friend: [Blank stare.]
21-year-old Jewish guy #2: Probably whoever the patron saint of money is, huh?
21-year-old Jewish guy #1: And what about the secretary?
Female Christian friend: [Blank stare.]
21-year-old Jewish guy #2: Yeah, probably the patron saint of note takers.
Female Christian friend: I’m pretty sure it’s not really organized like that. –Grace Church, 11th & Broadway Overheard by: patron saint of laughing your ass off

Wednesday One-Linered…With Children

Old Jewish woman to very nervous Asian 25-year-old bride to be: Honey, I've been married 53 years. The secret to a great marriage? Give him lots of sex. Lots of good sex. –Dumbo, Brooklyn Overheard by: Tanya Man on cell: I told her I would convert. We could go to Vegas and get married next week, no problem. –64th & Amsterdam Woman on phone: My ex-boyfriend was 24 and he was able to support me, and you're 35 on an engineer's salary and you can't do the same. Do you know how many guys are begging to marry me, and can give me a dowry? So fuck you! –Target Store, Brooklyn Hispanic woman on phone: So where are you now? You already married him? Oh, okay. See you later. –28th & Park Avenue South Overheard by: Alie Five-year-old boy to teacher about five-year-old girl next to him: We're going to get married. (to five-year-old girl) What's your name again? –61st & Amsterdam