Archive for the ‘Jews’ Category

Thank Goodness I Had This Envelope to Blow My Nose On!

Small Jewish woman on the phone: Hey, so sorry, I'm running late. I'm just leaving my house now. I woke up with a horrible cold…
Post office worker: Miss?
Small Jewish woman on the phone: Oh wait… It's my turn… I'm actually in line at the post office… Oh and when I see you, absolutely no hugs, I am very contagious!

–Post Office, London Terrace

Overheard by: wish I had a bottle of purel

It’s Pronounced Schwartz (Happy Halloween!)

Drunk girl #1: So I think I am going to go as something I totally hate for Halloween.
Drunk girl #2: What are you going as?
Drunk girl #1: I think I am either going as a Jew or a Chinese person
or a tourist.
Drunk girl #2: Hey, you know I am Jewish, don’t you?
Drunk girl #1: I don’t care, I am definitely going as a Jew.
Drunk girl #2: Shots? –37th & 3rd Overheard by: Brian McCormick

Wednesday One-Linered…With Children

Old Jewish woman to very nervous Asian 25-year-old bride to be: Honey, I've been married 53 years. The secret to a great marriage? Give him lots of sex. Lots of good sex.

–Dumbo, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Tanya

Man on cell: I told her I would convert. We could go to Vegas and get married next week, no problem.

–64th & Amsterdam

Woman on phone: My ex-boyfriend was 24 and he was able to support me, and you're 35 on an engineer's salary and you can't do the same. Do you know how many guys are begging to marry me, and can give me a dowry? So fuck you!

–Target Store, Brooklyn

Hispanic woman on phone: So where are you now? You already married him? Oh, okay. See you later.

–28th & Park Avenue South

Overheard by: Alie

Five-year-old boy to teacher about five-year-old girl next to him: We're going to get married. (to five-year-old girl) What's your name again?

–61st & Amsterdam

Wednesday One-Liners Hope You’re Not a Cop

Man on cell: After I dropped Benny off at school I stopped by that harem.

–5th Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Nerd

Old bald guy looking at Asian call girl section in newspaper, on cell, speaking very slowly and very loudly: Do… You… Take… Veee-saaaah. Veee-saaaah. Veeee-saaaaah! Yes! Visa! No? Okay, thanks. [Same exact dialogue takes place three more times.] Bingo!

–Milford Hotel

Overheard by: not an asian call girl

Guy: I’m a good Jewish son -I got 90% off on a hooker!

–Central Park

Guy on cell: Man, I love hookers. My friend just told me about Craig’s list. Shit, there’s like 5,000 hookers on Craig’s list. I love that shit.

–Fordham University

Overheard by: who knew?

Guido in leather jacket, to suit: So did anything ever happen with the whore?

–39th & Broadway

Overheard by: Ladle

Asian girl to friend: As long as I’m slutting myself out, I might as well get paid for it!

–22nd & 9th

Overheard by: Kate