Flight attendant: Sir, are you looking for the bathroom?
Passenger: Yes, which door is it?
Flight attendant: It's the door right there.
(passenger walks towards the exit door of the plane)
Flight attendant: No, sir, not that door. If you open that door, you will kill yourself.
–Flight over JFK
Archive for the ‘JFK Airport’ Category
If You Eat Here, It'll End Up There in Half an Hour Anyway.
Old man: Could you tell me where a restaurant is?
Security guard: Right there (points to men's room).
Old man: I don't want to shit. I want to eat.
–JFK Airport
Esteban Has Pole Vaulted Into Our Hearts
Girl #1: Oh my god! It was so big I could feel it in my throat!
Girl #2: I know, I call it his third leg.
–JFK Airport
Your Wednesday Has Turned on the “One-Liners” Sign
Male flight attendant: Ladies and gentlemen, JetBlue welcomes you to the city which all other cities are reflections of… welcome to New York.
–JFK
Overheard by: SJK
Pilot over loudspeaker: Alright folks, get into your seats quickly. You don't have to love the person next to you and this ain't a furniture store.
–JFK
Overheard by: Allie
Witty flight attendant: And in case that you have not been in a car since 1962, I will now demonstrate how seatbelts work.
–JFK
Flaming flight attendant: In the event of a sudden change in cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop down in front of you. If this should occur, you may scream, then place the mask over your mouth and nose…
–JFK
JetBlue pilot: I hope you all enjoyed the flight. If you have any questions, please e-mail them to the Continental Airlines e-mail. Thank you for flying JetBlue.
–JFK
Overheard by: lonely passenger
…Who's Three Points Away from Getting His Hustling License
Girl #1: Yeah, but the more time I spent in New York, the more I realized it's just full of hustlers.
Girl #2, extremely emphatic: Oh, yeah! Everyone I know in New York is a hustler! (long contemplative pause)
Girl #2: 'cept my cousin.
–Jet Blue Plane Taking Off, JFK
Wednesday One-Liners Contemplate Eating Their Young
Man yelling at children: If I see it I spank it!
–94th St & Columbus
Overheard by: olivia
Mother to complaining seven-year-old daughter: Let's pretend we're the Israelites wandering in the desert.
–42nd St & 8th Ave
Mom to child: If you do that again, I swear to god, I will make you ride outside! I will strap you to the wing and make you ride outside!
–JetBlue Plane, JFK Tarmac
Woman to small child looking at store window: Jean-Claude, you simply cannot be this demanding at two and a half!
–3rd Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Paula Katinas
Mother to screaming child: You are so mean! Who raised you? Wild animals? Indians?
–Greene St, SoHo
Overheard by: Mememonkey
Mom getting on subway to small kids: Well, now you know what "burlesque" means!
–1 Train
Let's Leave This Heathen Town Before It Eats Us Alive!
Old tourist: They have a monorail here now.
Older tourist: A what?
Old tourist: A monorail.
Older tourist: A monorail?
Old tourist: A monorail.
Older tourist: Jesus.
–JFK
Overheard by: zoviet
Thug Air Flight Attendants Will Cut a Bitch
Thugette flight attendant, yelling as plane is about to take off: Sir! Turn off yo laptop!
Suit: (holds cord to show it's not plugged in)
Thugette flight attendant: Uh-uh! I can see the reflection in yo glasses.
Suit: (takes off headphones)
Thugette flight attendant: I saaaaid I can see the reflection in yo glasses, turn yo laptop off, turn it off, turn it oooooooooooooff!
Suit: (shuts laptop)
–Small Commuter Plane Leaving JFK
…If You Wouldn't Mind Fluffing and Folding Them.
Airport customs officer: Are you bringing in any fruits or vegetables or anything that needs to be washed?
Non-sarcastic tourist: I have dirty clothes.
–JFK
Overheard by: MJMJ
Wednesday One-Liners Are Fully Prepared to Dial 911
Female black security guard to male black security guard: So you got two kids that you know of…
–MoMa
Security agent: You are now entering the metal detector area, so those of you with wooden cell phones should feel free to keep those in your pockets.
–JFK
Overheard by: Jason
Security guard to teens blocking entrance: Hmm, just what I need at 9 am, a motherfucking school group.
–Paley's Museum of Radio and Television
Overheard by: scarface
Security guard on cell: Why isn't your hand on your butt?
–Duane Reade
Overheard by: Lord Almighty
Library security guard: Welcome to the library, where your wildest dreams come true.
–St. John's University