Teen with Bright Future: What’s that? Now that I’ve become pregnant people think that I don’t fight. Come here. I’ll kick your fucking ass, bitch. –14th Street
Archive for the ‘Kick’ Category
Wednesday One-Liners Keep It Rail
Conductor: Ladies in gentlemen, we would be moving, but there's a bitch-ass 5 train ahead hogging all the customers at 59th St.
–4 Express Train
Overheard by: Lexington
Conductor: Once again, there are no 2 or 3 trains from this station, so if you are looking for anything, don't get off the train, coz it's not gonna be there.
–Downtown 4 Train
Overheard by: Donz
Conductor: Okay, raise your hand if you want to leave!
–7 Train
Overheard by: will it help if I put two hands up?
Conductor: Do not get on this train. It is not taking any passengers, not even one. Do not even try, you will get kicked off.
–Fordham Rd, Bronx
Overheard by: The next train isn't for an hour and I'm already late.
Conductor: Attention, passengers… You cannot use chemical solvents on the train.
–NJ Transit
Conductor: The next stop will be Bryant Park, #2nd Street. What a gorgeous day! Why not take advantage of one of New York City's many fine outdoor eateries. Have you heard the one about the monk and the hot dog vendor? Hot dog vendor: "What's it going to be, buddy?" Monk: "Make me one with everything"! This is Bryant Park, 42nd Street. Have an enlightened day!
–F Train
Wednesday One-Liners Love the Rear Naked Choke
Girl to another: And she went to get into her car. I was like "you'd better get out of here or I'm gonna fuck you up." And she was all slamming the door and stopping over to me. And I was all in her face and bitch-slapped her. Well, that last part might have been a dream. But then she got into her car and left.
–NY Central Library
Overheard by: amused
Woman on cell: Hi, Annie! How are you? (pause) I'm going to get my ass kicked by a very big black man.
–Park Slope
Suit on cell: If you don't stop hanging up on me, I will kick you in the throat.
–Times Square
Guy on cell, very loudly: Yeah, but, so nobody knows about it except me and the other guys in the fight club.
–21st St & Broadway
Overheard by: Alex
20-something girl: And then she chloroformed me. (pause) I said that too loud.
–Penn Station
Overheard by: Russ
…Carry On.
Bored babysitter: Suzie*, if Jimmy* kicked you in the head, would you cry?
Suzie*, slowly: Yes.
Bored babysitter: Then why did you kick him in the head?
Suzie*: Because I want him to cry.
Bored babysitter: Fair enough.
–85th St & Riverside
Overheard by: olivia
Wednesday One-Liners Still Miss the Crocodile Hunter
Girl on iPhone: It's not like he's gone and, y'know, rescuing cheetahs…
–Astoria
Lone hobo: Thanks, god… for goats, people and buses.
–Manhattan Bridge
Woman on phone: Hi, honey. Did you find the frogs with the red eyes? (pause) Oh, do you think your mom will like the quail? (pause) It's 30% off, right?
–Lincoln Center
Subway drummer: This next one is called "moose call." it goes, "yo, moose!" (pause) Hey, I didn't write it, I just made it popular.
–Shuttle to Times Square
Overheard by: Media addict
French man: It's like doing a horse. Kick him in the ass and he will kick you right back.
–Long Island City
Overheard by: Sunny
Wednesday One-Liners, in a Nutshell.
Man in car at stoplight on cell: Yeah, so I grabbed a towel for my nuts and ran down the stairs. Yes, I covered my nuts. So I run down the stairs covering my nuts with a towel because I knew where the smoke was coming from!
–127th & Lenox
Street tough to guy in wheelchair: So you kicked him in the nuts? (shrugs) Yeah, word.
–E 2nd St & Ave C
Overheard by: Ben Couch
Crazy man: Where's Howie? Where's my favorite nut-nut?
–Hanson Place
Overheard by: JBeck
Dude on cell while riding bicycle: It's hanging off your nuts?
–Williamsburg
Mom 20-something daughter heading to Penn Station: Should we grab our nuts, at least?
–7th Ave & 34th St
Overheard by: Just don't grab my nuts
…If I Make Her.
White woman to friend: I don't know if this is a stereotype or anything, but Asian women are really subservient, you know? I mean, they all like keep the house and cook and clean and keep the place neat for their husbands and do whatever they want.
White man, overhearing: Yes, that is a stereotype. And my girlfriend could kick your ass.
–2 Train
Wednesday One-Liners' Meters Are Running
Girl to boy: You're just upset that I kicked you out without shoes, and I didn't give you cab fare.
–Black Bear Lodge, 3rd Ave
Guy, after cab splashed water on him: That cab just jizzed on me!
–Broadway & Eagerly
Waspy queer on cell: No, no, take the subway. Just for the experience. Don't take a cab. Cabs are for spoiled people.
–M23 bus
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Girl, yelling into window of off-duty taxi: Fine! We're waiting for the cash cab anyway!
–3rd & Sullivan
Overheard by: Heather
Wednesday Smells So Bad, One-Liners Can Taste It
Ponytailed girl on cell, excitedly: Maybe you have, like, bacterial vaginosis or something! Yeah! That would explain it. No, you don't wanna smell like cinnamon down there, cinnamon toast crotch!
–86th & Lexington
Girl, walking onto stinky train car: Oh, shit, yo! It smells like a whole mess of hot ass up in this piece.
–L Train
Loud singing teen, stopping in mid-song: Damn! Somebody smell like soup!
–F Train
Overheard by: bpm
Smelly woman on elevator: I'ma kick that man's butt. I don't smell that strong!
–Office Building, Harlem
Overheard by: Liz
Man: This place smells like venereal disease!
–Port Authority Subway Tunnel
Overheard by: Courtney
Guy on cell: Who knows what I can do now that I don't smell like dogshit. The sky is the limit. (pause) Yeah, no more living in fear!
–27th & 5th
Not in the Face, Wednesday One-Liner!
Man on phone: Wait, so she bit you? Dude! Wait, what? She punched you? Oh, you went to punch her? Dude, you punched her?
–Penn Station
Too young for final stage alcoholism guy: I totally held my own. I knocked the girl out and fucked the guy up.
–10th St & Ave A
Gangster: Next time I see him, I'ma kick him in his good leg.
–Uptown F Train
Softball-player-looking girl to friends: If you ever wear a tiara at your wedding, I'm going to punch you in the face.
–Wagner Park
Overheard by: mclaire
Young mother to others: Yeah, but you hafta be careful. You can't just hit your kids in public.
–Rivington & Essex
Overheard by: verbal abuse ftw!
Boyfriend to girlfriend: But if I punch you in the throat you will stop breathing.
–SoHo
Teen girl: Did you see that? I almost punched Ira's glass in the chest! That was awesome!
–AMC Theater, 19th St & Broadway
Overheard by: Katie