Archive for the ‘Kick’ Category

If I Could Grunt and Squeak and Squawk With the Wednesday One-Liners

Middle aged man: So all you gotta do is pick up a gray squirrel holding an acorn, squeeze his belly, and hear him make real squirrel chatter.

–92nd & Lexington

Latina girl on cell: Chill the fuck out! Groundhog Day isn't till like June or some shit!

–PETCO, Union Square

Overheard by: Max

Girl: I tried a lot of things before I started kicking small animals.

–15th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Rijita

20-something guy to another: They cost a lot but they live forever. If you get a group of like 20 elephants, you're invincible.

–1 Train

Female student: But how else would you transport the elephant?

–34th St b/w Park & Madison Ave

Eight-year-old boy, running hellbent through playground, to friend: I could tell you about Archelon, the largest evolved turtle, but there isn't time.


Overheard by: Someone else's mom

Guy on cell: It was kind of like sexually penetrating cows…

–E 55th St

Overheard by: TiffanyLyn

On the Plus Side, I Get Tons Of Days Off for All Sorts Of Random Holidays

Overly enthusiastic customer: So I heard that they are coming out with a 32 gb iPhone for Christmas. Like a red product thing for Christmas. Is that true?
Overly perky Apple employee: Well, sir, I wouldn't know because I'm Jewish and whenever they have Christmas meetings, they kick me out of the room.

–Apple Store SoHo, Prince & Greene St

Overheard by: are they allowed to say that?

Do Those One-Liners Go All the Way Up to Your Wednesday?

Lady to another: I'm waxing my crotch whether he likes it or not!

–52nd & Madison

Overheard by: someguyslikethejungle

Preteen: Yo, she bit Mark's crotch!

–66th & Broadway

Overheard by: dan

Girl to another: I don't think he'd like your stiletto heel in his actual crotch. Oh, now your twat is all over the place.


Man on cell, noticing, "The Big Penis Book": Hey, I'm at this bookstore and they have this big book of penises… Oh, you have it already? The big book, with the pink cover and crotch on the front? Oh, okay, cool.

–Bookstore, Brookyln

Bimbo: Crotches are always wrong!

–American Apparel Store

Learned All About That in College

Woman #1: So, you ever have one of your guy friends crash at your place and then try to make a move on you?
Woman #2: Of course.
Woman #1: I mean, I'm in my bed and he's in the living room on the couch, and suddenly he's there trying to kiss me and slip his hand up my shirt. I was like, “What the hell, dude, I thought you were gay!”
Woman #2: I know. I always kick them out, right there and then.
Woman #3: But sometimes, I'm so drunk, I just go with it, you know?

–Fiddlesticks Bar

Wednesday One-Liners Are the Soundtrack of Your Life

Guy to friend: Dude, I'm working on a new house song right now. It's going to kick ass. It's called "Google It". It goes "Googleit, Googleit, Googleit…"

–Madison Square Park

Overheard by: Ian

Two guys: Ladies and gentlemen, we are not asking for any money, we just want to sing a little Linkin Park. (they proceed to jump around and sing Linkin Park)

–Uptown N Train

Overheard by: Hametuka

Hipster to friend: Flava Flav…yeah, he's like that skinny guy in Lord of the Rings…you know… "my precioussss…" Yeah… That's him…just a darker version.

–Subway, Brooklyn

Preteen: I won't beat my wife! I listen to Bob Marley!

–E 21st St b/w 1st & 2nd

Dude (matter-of-factly): Crazy northerners…don't quite understand that we're aware of how to speak English in the South. We just choose to say things cooler. That's why Southern rap sounds so much cooler.

–St. Mark's Place

Overheard by: another misunderstood southerner

Middle aged tourist woman: Have you heard all of these Country Western songs about little girls recently? There's like four of them, and they're all really good too!

–Pinkberry, Bleecker b/w MacDougal & Sullivan

Overheard by: Jason

One Quote. So Many Questions

Dude: Also, it was kind of fun to walk down the street hitting myself in the neck with a hammer.
Chick: I think that was around the same time as the plastic cube.
Dude: No, I wasn't wearing the plastic box on my head at that point. It would have interfered with the neck hammering.

–Lenny's Bagels, 23rd St

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Little People–Big Wednesday One-Liners

Greasy guy on cell: Yeah, there was this whole big to-do. They had all these little midgets running around–it was a whole Willy Wonka thing going on.

–42nd & Park Ave

Overheard by: Aren't They Called Little People?

Midget on mobile: Man, you don't know how tough it is, these little women are tough, they know what they want… Yeah, yeah… The are like tigers, they'll eat you up!

–Grand Central Station

Overheard by: JT

Flyer guy: Comedy show, folks–we got midgets!

–Herald Square

Overheard by: BeccaGo

Guy: High-five if you like midgets and drugs!

–42nd & 7th

Overheard by: Shannon

Suit on cell: Yeah, yeah, we're gonna do it big for my birthday. No I'm thinking more like midget strippers…eh, I haven't decided what I want it to be. (pause) Oh yeah, sorry, not "it," "him" or "her." No, I think dwarfs have magical powers, that's the deal. Not racist, dwarfist maybe.

–Chinatown Bus

Overheard by: Evan

Drunk guy with group of friends: I'm sorry I hit you, I thought I was Irish and you were four feet tall.

–41st & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: Glad I'm not short