Archive for the ‘Lawyers’ Category

Probably at His Krispy Kreme Office

Lawyer guy: Don’t worry about that, ma’am. We’re gonna make sure you don’t have to worry about money for a long, long time.
Hobo: Shit, you got some money? Let me hold a million dollars.
Lawyer guy: Ha, ha, ha! No thank you, sir.
Hobo: You ain’t shit, nigga. Fuck you and your gay-ass hair. Where were you when I broke my leg, Mista Lawya? –Dunkin’ Donuts, Fulton & Nassau Overheard by: Matt M

Where Do You Stand on Honky Tonk Bars?

Female lawyer #1: So we stopped and ate at Cracker Barrel.
Female lawyer #2: Oh, my husband loves Cracker Barrel!
Male lawyer #1: How come it's okay to have a restaurant named Cracker Barrel, but when there was a restaurant chain called Sambo's, they were forced to change their name?
Male lawyer #2: And what about the Washington Redskins?
Male lawyer #1: Yeah, imagine if they had a team named The Darkies?
Male lawyer #2: So how come nobody forces the Redskins to change their name?
Male lawyer #1: Cause, when's the last time you saw a mob of Indians kick someone's ass?
Male lawyer #2: Custer?
Male lawyer #1: I rest my case.
Female lawyer #2: And just what does any of this have to do with Cracker Barrel?
Male lawyer #1: You ever take a look at who eats there?

–Civil Court, Sutphin Boulevard, Jamaica

Overheard by: Big Larry

…Douchebag.

Judge, at conclusion of trial: Well, I must say I was very impressed with the quality of the attorneys for both sides. It's extremely unusual and refreshing to see attorneys acting like lawyers.
Attorney: I would suggest, your honor, that it would be more accurate to say that it is unusual and refreshing to see attorneys not acting like lawyers.
Judge: Point well taken.

–Civil Court, Sutphin Boulevard, Jamaica

Overheard by: Big Larry

…Would You Like Some French Fries?

Middle aged lawyer #1, reading newspaper: Childhood obesity is an epidemic? America is the only country where poor people are fat.
Middle aged lawyer #2: Cheap food is fattening.
Middle aged lawyer #1: Maybe so, but if they're fat, they can't be starving, right? Nobody ever starved to death while they were fat.
Middle aged lawyer #2: The reason they're fat is that they can't afford to eat healthy. Your comment is shockingly racist, hateful and ignorant.
Middle aged lawyer #1: Oh, now being fat is a race issue? Ever been to Disney World? They have white people there who could cause an eclipse.
Middle aged lawyer #2: Our agricultural policy encourages the poor to eat cheap, unhealthy calories. A Big Mac might make you full, but it also makes you fat!
Middle aged lawyer #1: McDonald's sells salads too, ya know. Who's forcing the poor to order Big Macs? Or to eat twelve of them?
Middle aged lawyer #2: If you believe you're correct, why don't you try living on a restricted budget and food stamps?
Middle aged lawyer #1: If my budget was so restricted, I might stop at the first Big Mac instead of ordering a dozen. And nice way to divert from the issue, which is that America's poor are obviously not starving.
Female court reporter: That's right. It's the middle class that's starving because they're not getting government checks and food stamps.
Middle aged lawyer #2, with air of condescension, shaking head: How compassionate of you.
Middle aged lawyer #1: I'm very compassionate. I'm just not an enabler. I'm making a simple logical argument: fat people are not starving.
Middle aged lawyer #2, shaking head: Mere words do you no justice.
(the door to the room opens, and in comes the witness, an obese black teenager holding a McDonald's bag. The smell of french fries fills the room).
Middle aged lawyer #1
: Were you listening outside the door?

Confused teen: No.

–Court Reporting Office, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Big Larry

If You're Wednesday and You Know It, Clap Your One-Liners

Young black lady to friend: I am so happy this is my last week! I hate New York City! Everybody is so rude! Today I nearly punched somebody in the face!

–Elevator, Midtown

Overheard by: thorn

Metro guy, singing: If you're happy and you know it, get a paper. If you're happy and you know it, get a paper. If you're happy and you know it, and you really want to show it. If you're happy and you know it, get a Metro.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: erkala

Six-year-old boy to mom: The things in cave paintings don't always look happy.

–81st & 1st

Overheard by: Tim

Obvious lawyer, on Yom Kippur: My finger is happy to have the day off.

–32nd St & Park Ave

Overheard by: k

Psh, Even Queens Has Moved On

Lawyer to Latina secretary: Yes, I meant do it now! What did you think I meant, tomorrow? Don't make me go all Hiram Monserrate on you!
Latina secretary: Okay, I'll do it now.
Lawyer: You don't even know who Hiram Monserrate is, do you?
Latina secretary: No, who is he?
Lawyer: I don't have the time. Google him when you get a chance. On your own time.

–Court St

Overheard by: Big Larry

The End Of Western Civilization: An OINY Short Story.

Lawyer #1: I saw this funny video on YouTube last night. I did a search for “retards” and there was this one called “retarded Britney Spears fan.” It was a retard singing one of her songs.
Lawyer #2: Have you seen 2 Girls 1 Cup?
Lawyer #1: I was able to watch about two seconds of it before I had to click it off.
Lawyer #2: Did you see the one called “extreme pain”? I could only watch about five seconds of it. A guy was cutting off his own dick.
Lawyer #1: That's some sick shit. How's your cat?
Lawyer #2: You should see her. She rolls over on her back and my dog licks her between the legs for a long time, then smacks his lips.
Lawyer #1: You should video that and put it on YouTube. Call it “eating pussy.” You'll get a million hits!

–Civil Court, 141 Livingston St., Brooklyn

Overheard by: Big Larry