Archive for the ‘Lawyers’ Category

Over Seizure Salads

Drunk middle aged lawyer: Okay, okay, here's one…what's the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a prostitute with diarrhea?
Sober man: I'm afraid to ask.
Drunk middle aged lawyer: One shucks between fits! Haw haw haw haw. (stumbles off).
Sober man to puzzled-looking woman: I'll explain it to you later.

–Alumni Cocktail Party, Brooklyn Law School

Overheard by: Big Larry

Wednesday One-Liners Without Emotional Attachment: Myth or Reality?

Dressed up overweight 20-something girl to another: We're in our 20s. We're like supposed to be slutty, right?

–Norman & Diamond

Overheard by: Guess I missed the memo 20-something girl

College girl to another: You gotta hit it and quit it, like a dude!

–W Broadway & 108th St

Overheard by: Tess

Janky fat woman: He never told me not to tramp!

–5th Ave

Overheard by: Rob

Loud thug with neck tattoos on cell: You know Stud is my son, dude. Stud just wanna hump on women all day.

–Deli, Myrtle Ave, Fort Greene

Overheard by: Myrtle & Carlton

Hipster chick to another: I was wasted! Then I saw him in daylight and said "Holy shit!"

–Havemeyer, Grand Street, Williamsburg

Overheard by: Miss Heather

Lawyerly woman to another: I told him that just because I want to fuck does not mean that we have to love each other.

–Foley Square

Overheard by: Julio

Random guy to cute girl: Good luck, honey. What you wake up with, you're stuck with.

–Jimmy Steiny's, Hyatt Street, Staten Island

Wednesday One-Liners Want to Know What Makes the Law & Order Sound

Law professor: Sometimes you just want to tell your client, "Wake the fuck up!"

–NYU Law School

Law student on cell: Well, it's hard to locate them, since I don't know who they are.

–Columbia Law School

Overheard by: arctinus

Older looking woman on cell: No, don't fight him, Henry. We're Jewish. God gave us lawyers for a reason.

–42nd & Avenue of the Americas

Overheard by: Elizabeth

Awesome judge: If you do not have a basic understanding of the English language, you will not be able to serve. If you cannot understand what I'm saying, please come up now. Now, two translators will translate what I just said. If you understood what I said, obviously don't come up here.

–Supreme Court Building

Suit to girl: You must be a lawyer. (pause) Or a cunt.

–Bryant Park

Overheard by: How did he know?

Thug: Don't say anything to her! Don't you know anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law?

–132nd & St. Nicholas

Drunk lawyer on phone: Yeah! I convict rape victims.

–Outside Shea Stadium

For Bonus Points, Answer the Question with Two Dicks in Your Mouth

Female lawyer: Did you see that video where that girl from South Carolina was asked why Americans can't read maps?
Male lawyer: Yeah, she was a teenage beauty contestant. I tell you, I've heard drunk girls with two dicks in their mouth make more sense than that bitch.
Female lawyer: Don't call her a bitch. She was probably just nervous.
Male lawyer: Excuse me, she's a beauty contestant. The only difference between a beauty contestant and an inflatable doll is where you blow into them.
Female lawyer: Excuse me, but I was in a few beauty contests when I was a teenager.
Male lawyer: Really? So tell me, why can't Americans read maps?

–Supreme Court, Jamaica

Overheard by: Big Larry

Wednesday A1 Liners

Crazy hobo: Taco Bell is outta meat. Taco Bell… Is outta meat. I ask for a taco, they say, "We outta meat." What the fuck!? How you run outta meat at Taco Bell? You don't see me runnin' outta weed! Shit. Taco Bell is outta meat.

–Wendy's, 14th Street

Overheard by: Zack

Curious teenage girl: What is that on the floor? Ew! I hate when people leave bags of meat on the subway!

–R Train

Jewish lawyer, answering his desk phone: Weinstein's house of kosher pork. How may I direct your call?

–Newsroom, Midtown

Preppy teen: I am like, a total whore for salami.

–280th St, Brooklyn

Overheard by: casayoto

Woman on cell talking about her upcoming weekend: Mah husband's gone, my kids is gone, I'm jus' goin' lie on the floor and eat some baloney. Mmm hmm. (pauses, listens to person on phone) Das' right. I'm gonna eat some baloney, and some cheese?-I'm goin' make myself a baloney sandwich.

–4th St Station

Overheard by: Jess

Don’t Get Your Wednesday One-Liners in a Bunch

Young lawyer: My little boy finally made the transition from diapers to "big boy" underwear. On his first day back to pre-school he dropped his trousers and showed the whole class his lightning McQueens.
Young lawyer: … And it created a domino effect of three-year-olds showing their undies.

–6 Train

Overheard by: POLA

Chick on cell: Better underwear than meth!

–Harlem

Overheard by: McFreaky

Boyfriend to girlfriend looking at lingerie in window: It’s kind of cold for that.

–University & 9th

Overheard by: Mary Crippen

Skank: So I’m thinking "Now I’ve got to get rid of those panties!"

–54th & 9th

Overheard by: thats gross

Earnest teen chick, calling to retreating waitress: Do you sell thongs? I’m serious, I really need them!

–Hard Rock Cafe, Times Square

Overheard by: Amanda

Man getting into elevator: … And she was all like "Hi, whatchu doin’?" And I was like "Whaaaat?" I didn’t know what to say, she was all over me, I could see her panties. [Everyone in elevator looks at him and laughs a little.] I mean, come on, we’re all adults in here. What was I supposed to do? Smile? Say "Hi" back?

–Elevator, Empire State Building